Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[ruskiesplin]

Hello everyone,

The girl who I used to be in a long distance relationship with, who is 17 and lives in the USA, desperately needs professional mental therapy. However, her father refuses to get it for her and says that she's making it all up, despite the fact that she's been officially diagnosed for her issues. Not only that, but he actively makes her problems worse with the way he acts towards her, despite her telling him many many times how bad it is for her.

So, I have written up a message to him to try and solve these problems.
I want to give it the highest chance of success possible, as he frequently disregards and ignores things, no matter how important they are; therefore any advice that anybody has for things that I could add or change would be hugely appreciated.

"Hi there,

I'm not sure how much of an impact this is going to have as you don't really know me and so have no reason to respect my input, but I need to try anyway, as what I'm going to talk about is very serious and urgent.
As someone who knows [redacted] better than anybody, I can say with 100% certainty that she needs to get professional psychological help immediately. Her issues, which as you know range from severe depression, frequent suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem and extreme emotional sensitivity and instability, affect everything in her life and will continue to worsen the longer they are left untreated.

Also, it is not only the lack of therapy that is making her mental health worse, but also her environments, especially her home environment, which is by far doing her the most damage.

Look, I don't want to berate you, but I've heard for myself the way you speak to her and things you say. To put it plainly, no child ever deserves to hear those things from a parent, someone who is supposed to love and support them, not mercilessly bully and put them down all the time. There's no way around it: this has had and still continues to have a huge negative impact on her, and it needs to stop if she is ever to get better.

It is extremely evident that if her mental health continues to deteriorate because of not getting therapy and not having her home situation improved, it's only a matter of time before she snaps completely or ends up actually killing herself.
Your daughter is a amazing girl with a wonderful heart, mind and soul. She doesn't deserve to go through any of this. She deserves the chance to be happy. So please, I'm begging you, take her to get help and give her the support and encouragement she needs, so she can become the person she deserves to be."

[Messedupmama]

Hi there Ruskiesplin, I am messedupmama.  I thinks it's great that you want to give it a go but if he is ignoring what is right in front of him it seems unlikely to me that he will pay any attention to an electronic message from a total stranger.  Personally I would encourage her to seek help from an adult face to face be that a relative, teacher, school counsellor or her own GP.  Good luck with it, I simply cannot image what a teenager is to do without the help and support of a loving family. Mental illness is hard enough with love, support and guidance.  I hope your friend gets the help she needs and is able to become the person she deserves to be

[pip]

@ruskiesplin. While I admire you for writing to a complete stranger regarding his daughter's MI, my first thought is, is he going to simply return your message? Did you email him? If you emailed him, I think it's possible he will just simply 'forward' the email back to you. Have you spoken to her via skype you say you've heard his attitude to her, how?. I totally agree no child needs constant berating from their parent. However, really speaking, unless this girl can talk to someone (a counsellor or Dr) in her hometown, nothing you can do will change things. Is there some way you could afford to bring her here if you feel she is in danger? Perhaps offer to her father to allow her the chance to live here. If she is in danger of hurting herself or trying to end her life, this is something her parents or Dr need to know. Does she have a mother, perhaps contacting her mother might get better results. How well do you know this girl?

[ruskiesplin]

@pip

I was going to send it via Facebook.
I wouldn't really call him a complete stranger, as he does know of me, and I certainly know a lot about him, and have seen/heard a lot of him and his interactions with his daughter whenever she and I Skype. It's just that we haven't really ever personally interacted with each other, which is why I say he doesn't really know me. 

While flying her over here to live would certainly be a solution, unfortunately it's not something that either of us could currently afford.

Her mother died when she was younger, which has also significantly contributed to her problems.

As for how well I know her, I meant what I said in the message about knowing her better than anyone. There are no secrets between us, and our love and bond feels as deep as any two people could ever accomplish. The only reason we broke up was because I unfortunately wasn't strong enough to be able to withstand some of her issues, and I was being very negatively affected by it. After a period of about two months or so of not talking, which we agreed was best for a while, we have resumed contact and talk every day.

[pip]

@ruskieplin. What an unusual situation you are in. You originally described her as a long distance gf. It's evident you are extremely concerned for her, but there's little you can do. Writing to her dad could antagonize the situation between her and her father. The father could decide that she has instigated your fb message and punish her for 'telling'. Do you know anyone who could assist her, like a close relation. If she has no-one but you and all you can do is write to her, this could also have a detrimental affect on her. Have you actually met her in the flesh or has this always been via skype? May I ask how the contact was established, did she live here at one time? All you really know is what she has told you. I'm not saying she has lied, but it might be wise to check your facts a bit more. Disciplining daughters (to some fathers) means that the fathers feel a stern hand is necessary. Some fathers believe daughters are harder to discipline than sons, therefore a firmer hand is required. Ask the father if he would be prepared to speak to you direct via skype, that way you may be able to ascertain more clearly what he situation is. I understand your concern and commend you for it, but outside interference with some families cause more problems.

[ruskiesplin]

@pip Sorry for the late reply.

The only other person she feels comfortable asking for assistance from is the school psychology teacher, which she asked for from him a few days ago, but while he gave her his phone number, he advised her to see a professional as he is not a qualified therapist.

No, we haven't met in the flesh yet. Contact was first established via being mutual friends with somebody who did personally know her in real life.

As for verifying facts, I have spoken to her 19 year-old sister who lives with them who receives the same treatment but to a lesser extent, as well as many friends of hers, and they all confirm the same information.

Also to me there's a big difference between stern discipline and being a complete bully, and he is obviously the latter. He has also previously acknowledged that he has his own range of problems, and that he takes them out on his children rather than actually deal with them. Additionally, he frequently puts his daughters on a much lower priority than other things, such as his long term girlfriend and the biker club he's a part of.

While it would be possibly a better idea to speak to the father face to face, he's quite an unpleasant character and I feel so uncomfortable about the idea of doing that, as I can't even bring myself to say a word whenever he's around when I'm Skyping with his daughter.

[pip]

Hi @ruskiesplin. I think the best thing for your friend would be to see a professional. You're here, she's in the states. It's great she has you to talk to, but if she was actually seeing someone there, she would possibly get further assistance. She's 17, still at school, so she is reliant on her father financially for everything. From everything you've said regarding this person, he is not going to take kindly to outside interference regarding his discipline of his daughter. I hear where you're coming from, but trying to usurp him as a father could have worse consequences. I would suggest you support her in seeing a professional until she is old enough to leave the house. Perhaps suggest she leave home, as soon as possible and try to save towards coming here to make a fresh start. As far as confrontation with her father, tread carefully. Remember, she is his daughter, his first thought will not be favourable with the idea of you (to him) interrupting his discipline. No matter how you view it, bottom line she's his daughter.

[ruskiesplin]

@pip

One of the main issues here is that she can't get professional help by herself before she's 18, as parental consent is required in the state she lives and her father won't give it. If she could, she absolutely would.
Sorry, I should have made this clear in my opening post.

[pip]

@ruskiesplin. As I said previously, your friend is 17, legally she needs her father's financial assistance till she can leave school. I would, therefore suggest you just continue to talk to her, support her from here emotionally, till you can help her get away from her father. I presume she is not working, maybe you could try to assist her by saving money for her, so if she can get over here, she would have some financial independence. She would need a passport and possibly a visa. these are things you could help her with from here. Does she have friends she could spend time with? If she has some independence through friends at school, this would help her. I would, at this stage, let her know you're here for her, and if at some time she could come here, she would be welcome. That way, she would know she wouldn't have to wait too much longer.