Hi everyone .... 😊💕
My hubby's mi is and eating disorder, and these are based on control issues ....
Here's my essay ....
Without being able to secure a diagnosis over him as he is in denial that it is an eating disorder - his take is that it is a supremely healthy lifestyle choice with a personal vice thrown in - the main advice I was given by support services was to learn as much about e.d.'s as I could. That was imperative to understanding what he was going through, and what was blinding, or binding him.
Second level of understanding was becoming familiar with the Stages of Change model. This helped me to understand the path of progression he is on, and although it's possible for e.d.'s to last a lifetime, I now believe that the stage of denial doesn't last that whole time. My understanding is that the sufferer reaches the point of understanding that they are ill .... but whether they are prepared to seek help, follow advice, accept support, and struggle towards recovery is another thing. That's the part that can last a lifetime .....
What is obvious to me in our situation is that the mi amplified aspects of my hubby's personality or nature that were already present ... control issues being a part of that. When you look at the pre-emotive conditions that exist in the development of an e.d.it becomes very clear what those influences are and how they developed. It is probably wise to add in here that it's nobody's fault per se ... although there were choices made as he grew up that shaped him in this direction, which is why educating society about these influences is so important.
Some of those influences contribute towards other mi's .... perhaps not specific to e.d.'s, such as a child being made to assume an adult role and shoulder responsibilities they are not mature enough, grounded enough to cope with .... the consequences of those responsibilities is the real weight on their too-young shoulders. There are many examples of this ... children growing up in abuse situations .... in our case it was emotional damage from wartime trauma in the parents and grandparents, and the effect that had on the next generation, who suffered displacement as well.
While we had addressed some of these issues, particularly control issues, within our marriage, not only did the mi (which I hadn't recognised as such in its former form) amplify pre-existing personality traits, it also drew him back into the mindset of HS childhood programming, undoing a lot of the relationship work we had done during our courtship and early marriage.
This has left me feeling betrayed, and that I hardly know him anymore. The next piece of counselling advice is just as critical .... that the husband I know and love is still in their somewhere, and the recovery process will involve him trying to fight his way back out of the mess the mi has created all over us.
Another hard part of that is that his birth family values are supporting the mi .... MIL in particular, but siblings also, regard the resulting body image as ideal, and the "self-control" as an excellent virtue .... therefore supporting the e.d. and aspiring to follow his example. In a strange sense it is having a positive effect of inspiring others to take their health and welfare more seriously, and family and friends are losing weight through lifestyle changes .... that is a very positive thing .... but most are not privy to how extreme my hubby's regimen is, and if they were they would likely recognise that it's an issue. If they were aware of the c / s "vice" .... well .... I think that one announces loud and clear that there are emotional problems ruling him ... that behaviour is the one with the greatest power to unmask him. It demonstrates that the mi is actually controlling him.
Learning what I have has taught me that education and support for the families and carers of mi sufferers is so important. Unfortunately in our state, we can only access this support when a diagnosis has been made ... an of course hubby is in denial and masking the symptoms and behaviours - the mindset in particular - that would allow diagnosis to happen. Over-riding him will shatter our relationships.
