Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NeatsZiggy]

Hi Everyone, any advice would be appreciated.

I've had a really tough time supporting my partner who has been going through a rough patch, which started with losing his job late last year.  Before this, he's had a history of building up anger and resentment and its surfacing again.  

One minute he's calm, helpful, loving and caring and the next he's the exact opposite being argumentative and verbally agressive.  Thankfully, he's has asked for help with sessions beginning this week, however I'm finding that being on the receiving end has and is affecting my personal and work life considerably.  

At times I'm unsure if I should even say a word when he's like this or try and reason with him...either way, I've found that I'm damned if I do and damned if I dont.

Experiences and words of advice would be muchly appreciated.

[aristosane]

Hi, my heart certainly goes out to you @NeatsZiggy as "walking on egg shells" is a horrible place to be. We are all guilty of lashing out and hurting the ones we love from time to time when we are struggling in ourselves to deal with emotions and pressures of life, but I think when you start to see a pattern or a cycle then it becomes abuse.

Sounds to me like you are questioning yourself, your actions, your reactions and probably thinking to yourself, "next time I will try dealing with the situation differently".  From past experience, it didn't matter how many different angles I tried, the result always left me feeling belittled and fragile and disempowered and confused because my brain wasn't able to comprehend that the same person who loved me also hurt me.  The process started out gradually - I put his anger outbursts down to work pressures, then him being laid off work, then financial stresses... and so I kept convincing myself that his behavior was circumstantial.  Until I woke up one day and I had disappeared.  I was a shell of the person I use to be.

The fact that your partner is willing to seek help is a very positive sign, they must realise how much they are hurting you and that their behavior is wrong.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to give you advise as such, more understanding for what you are going through.  All the best with therapy 

[BlueNurse]

Hi NeatsZiggy,

I have much empathy, compassion and respect for yourself and your current situation. 

Your story is pretty much identical to mine. My partner of three years, is currently going through an extremely rough patch of life, and I am his only 'support network'. 

Maybe I should mention that I am a Student Nurse in the final stage of study; which I tend to blame for my extreme interest, compassion and willingness to help in regards to mental illness. 

I myself, have 'depression' but any person walking past me in the street wouldn't have a clue. I am past my rough patch, and could possibly say that I am in the best state of my life. 

Going back to 'being on the receiving end' - My partner has a history of aggravation as well, he is a very anxious, and agitated person naturally, and he always has been (excluding when he was pursuing me). Throughout our years of being together, I have gained a high knowledge of his 'triggers' and what strategies I can imply to assist him with his panic attacks. His triggers for panic attacks are 'not knowing', such as misplacing something and not being able to find it ie. Keys.

The only way you two are going to get through this as a couple, is if YOU stay strong. By the sounds of it he takes a majority of things out on you, either purposely or not. What you need to understand and keep reassuring yourself of is the fact that he is not under control of his current states, and if he was, it wouldnt have happened. 

You also need to understand that whilst he may have just been verbally abusive towards you, his mind is racing trying to figure out why he has become so aggravated, and why he has had to react in such a way etc. I found that if I walked away from an argument (we used to argue uncontrollably), and came back to him 5 minutes later, his frame of mind had completely changed and he was apologetic and absolutely lost as he couldn't understand what had just happened himself - in other words, loss of control.

This is where you understanding and reassurance comes in. 

Generally chatting about how he is feeling, even if he is repeating the same thing every day assists them. Encourage him and point out his positive aspects. If you see an improvement one day compared to the day before, make sure you mention it. Tell him you are proud of him. Make him his favorite dinner by surprise, and have his favorite dessert waiting. It's tiny little things that can impact their mood.

When I was down and out, my partner used to grab me by the waist and hand and dance with me in the lounge room. I do the exact same to him now, and I have never seen such a gleaming smile. The main thing your partner needs is a continuous positive energy that is understanding at the same time.

Most importantly, is you taking time out for yourself, even 10 minutes. I'm unsure if you watched the Mindful 10 Minutes video, but if not definitely have a look. I gained a lot from this in regards to mental stability of myself. 

 I'm currently in the process of making personal short, medium and long term goals with my partner to assist him in the process. Have a look in this? Also a list of activities which help him calm down, relax etc. Sounds silly, but definitely helps!

I hope this little bit of advice / personal experience helps.

Good Luck for all future endeavours! Your will see a change in your partner, just continue to stand by his side.

[supernova]

Hi @NeatsZiggy,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks for your post!

It can really hard to support someone through a rough patch without it taking a toll on you. You might like to have a look at a thread that @NikNik posted here that has some good ideas for ways to get support when caring for someone. There is also a good thread here on compassion fatigue which @Luigi, @fran, @maddison and @aristosane all recently contributed to that you might like to have a read of.

I wonder if anyone else has some more thoughts or advice for @NeatsZiggy? (thanks @BlueNurse and @aristosane for your wonderful posts!)

@NeatsZiggy it sounds like you really care about your partner and are doing the best you can to be there for him during a difficult time. Caring can be exhausting, but hang in there! There is lots of support and encouragement here on the Forums. We’re glad you found us and look forward to ‘seeing’ you around!

supernova.