Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Luigi]

I sure can. My mother had serious mental illness nearly all my childhood. My father died when I was 5. I mothered my mother and a brain injurd sister (from car accident).

i nursed my mother and my then husband through dementia. Now my beautiful second son is suicidal, has severe OCD, acute anxiety and depression. Has just had to give up his teaching career and go on pension. 

I just feel devastated. Just too much. My son has had this for about 26 years and for the first 20 I was pledged to silence within our family. It was so hard.

now I just feel I have nothing left to give. Angry? Yes. Tired? Beyond exhaustion. I wish I could just float away. 

[-karma-]

I hear loss and grief in your story @Luigi 

This is not what you had planned for yourself, right? Or for your son!

It appears that anger is a secondary emotion that is more easily expressed and accepted in our society, but more difficult to address are those emotions of hurt, abandonment, resentment and sadness.

How would you feel about connecting with other carers @Luigi?

The support and understanding of those in a similar role can be like honey.

It's time for you to be nurtured and replenished

[Luigi]

I am very nervous. I have held on so tight for so long I feel if I ease off the hold on myself, I might just disappear in millions of tiny sharp pieces. I Have always been the strong one, the cope with everything person. Since my son has got so much worse & had to give up what was his dream, I feel kind of defeated at last. Hopeless. Thank you for listening. There is no one else I can talk to. Luigi

[NikNik]

Hi @Luigi

I'm sorry to read that you're at this point. There is definitely more people you can talk to.

There is a discussion here which outlines some different support options.

...and of course, you have this community.

I hope you utilise this support and find it helpful - you deserve it.

[maddison]

Hi @Luigi,
Sorry I do not know you, my name is Madison. I know you feel alone, but you are not. I know this because I feel alone and can acutely identify with your perfect description of breaking into millions of tiny sharp pieces, and that acceptance of total defeat is strange comfort.
I know the courage it takes to post on here. Maybe, in the moment it just feels like venting, but it is very good just write.
I have no one to vent to and feel very unsupported/isolated at times. I go over, in my head, what would I say to explain a current problem, if I did have someone to listen to me, and feel I could not explain, even if I wanted to - sometimes, even to me.

Anyway, just thought I would say hello 🙂
Bye, Maddi

[fran]

After reading the posts on this topic, and just airing my feelings have helped me a lot.  I find it so interesting, even after all this time, that even though I recognize I have fatique, and from what, it doesn't connect till I read something.  I seem to just ignore my symptoms and carry on.  I don't think I am explaining myself very well, but after reading these posts, I felt the burden on my shoulders float away, and I am in a better frame of mind about myself and what I need to do that is good for me. Weird. 

[CherryBomb]

@fran your post makes complete sense to me. Sometimes just knowing that there are others who really 'get' my experience can take a load of the chest. Knowing what we're feeling is abnormal and a common and shared experience with others. 

@Luigi and @maddison I often think that with every strength comes vulnerabilty. Like with light there are shadows. Being a caring and compassionate person is a strength, but the dark side is that it means that we can forget to care for ourselves and it drains us. Finding a balance is hard. 

If you could have one day to yourself to do whatever you wanted to do outside of your caring role - what would you?

[maddison]

Hi @CherryBomb,
Thankyou for mentioning me.
I can recognise what you are saying. Yesterday (40'c in Melbourne) was a perfect example for me, of where I lost my patience after spreading myself too thin in an attempt to appease the demands of my housemate. He was clearly unhappy and hostile and I was trying to offer comfort/distractions/compassion, but it seemed, the only resolve was that he badger me until I was unhappy. Well, he won, and I lost my temper, I yelled at him trying to defend myself and then I felt very shameful that I acted like that, and said horrible things to him.

Answering ur question, a day to myself would just be spent doing not much, relaxing and focusing on me.

[CherryBomb]

@maddison Yes! I can relate. Over the years I've started to take notice of when I'm starting to loose my cool with the people that I care about. It helps me take a step back (not all of the time though!) to gather myself before I attempt to give more of myself when I'm starting to where thin, which otherwise would lead to reactivity and/or negativity.

An example of this is when I had a friend stay with me. They had ended up homeless due to conflict with their housemates. At the time, I was working a lot, as well as studying, which made it hard to be there for my friend. To make things worse, I'd come home after 12 hour days, exhausted to find that she hadn't even gotten out of bed (at 9pm!). I found it so hard to keep my cool that I would be harsh rather than assertive. I'd focus on the problem (thinking about how lazy she was), rather than look at solutions (e.g., what can be done to help get her up in the morning).

When I do behave negatively I can also feel quite ashamed. For me, what it boils down to most of the time is that I need to be in a good headspace if I want to stay calm when confronted with challenging behaviours. When I'm tired, things can go down the drain and I can get reactive. 

As for my day off: A few years ago (too long ago) I treated myself to a massage every couple of weeks. It really helped make the hassles in life, roll of my back like water on a duck's back. 

[fran]

Just read this through Facebook - "It is through compassion that we learn to heal old wounds and hurts, and it is through compassion that we discover our true acceptance towards others and ourselves."

I know when I am in that way of being, everything works so much better for me and the person I care about.

Answer to the question. A swim, a movie either at home or cinema, then just chilling out at home with my husband.