Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[aristosane]

Hi, I've been playing with the idea of joining a forum for weeks but haven't had the courage to step out of my very isolated existence - my first thought being that nobody will understand.  Reading some of your stories I realise that I am not alone.

I have been a carer since 2007 to my twin sister who was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and Bipolar Type 1 and then in 2013 my daughter was diagnosed with severe social anxiety and PTSD.

I have literally not had a day's break from caring and at times I become bitter and angry because as much as I love my family, I am reminded every second of every day how very different my life is and that I will never ever experience "normal" again.

I'm interested to hear how you all manage to balance your lives?  Or do you?

[supernova]

Hi @aristosane, 

Welcome to the Forums! Thanks for your post and for your courage!

I’m glad to hear that reading some of the stories here on the Forums has helped you feel less alone in your experience. Caring for family members with a mental illness can be very taxing, and it can be a confusing and conflicting experience when you feel angry and bitter at people you love. But please take heart that you’re not alone in the way that you feel, nor in the difficulties that you are dealing with. There are many members here on the forums who are facing similar challenges and hopefully have some helpful experiences and insight to share. @NikNik also posted some interesting resources about “trauma-informed care” here that you might find interesting. There is also a good discussion about PTSD by @Used2Be here to get you started.

If you are interested, there are also some carers organisations out there than can offer support to people caring for family members with mental illness. You might like to give Carers Australia (1800 242 636) or ARAFEMI (1300 550 265) a call and have a chat to them about the support they might be able to offer you.

Thanks again for posting and I hope you find the support you need here on the Forums.

Take care,
supernova.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @aristosane

Welcome the Forums! Glad you took a step out to step into the Forums.

When I read your post, this thread came to mind. It's about compassion fatigue, which is when we start to feel so burnout that there's not much compassion to spare. From what you've written it seems that you share very similar experiences to @fran @maddison and @Luigi who have posted in the compassionate fatigure thread. Feel free to join that discussion. I wonder if fran, maddison or Luigi can share some thoughts here?

CherryBomb

[Appleblossom]

You certainly have a lot of caring to do in both situations and probably have lost a sense of self. 

I struggle with getting the balance right .. this thing called boundaries is important but i dont have a natural understanding of it ... ie gaining a fair idea of where your reasonable needs and responsiblities begin and end. 

How much it is fair to expect of the people you are caring for ...

I tend to keep notebooks ... jot down questions ... sometimes I get answers.

[aristosane]

Thank you Appleblossom, I will give the notebook a go... and I am feeling extremely relieved that I'm not the only one struggling with boundaries and balance.

You are spot on in saying that I have lost a sense of self.  As Carers go, I think we get so caught up in putting out the next fire (so to speak) that eventually it gets to that point where it doesn't matter what we think, what we feel, as long as the people being cared for are alive and well. 

[Appleblossom]

Having lived with a lot of attempted and completed suicide throughout early adulthood ... my tendency was to project that state of constant fear onto my son ... conscious and unconscious ... now I am trying to relax a bit ... he is not the other people in my life ... and if I am too precious ... it worries him more. That is why I made concerted effort to get a life myself ... though our lives are still very entwined.. it eased up some of the pressure he felt.... balance again ... how they are the centre of our lives without being the total centre ...

[aristosane]

Hello @Appleblossom your post has really got me thinking and I admire you for being able to do this.  It makes so much sense logically but on an emotional level I struggle, especially with my identical twin as her children have placed a lot of pressure on me over the years to make sure nothing bad happens to their mother.  My parents (who don't believe in mental illness) also put unncessary pressure on me to be there, not only for my twin but for her four children.  I had an incident over the weekend involving my youngest niece who has been struggling with anger management and when asked why this behavior esculates when she is with me, she answered that it's because she is so angry with her mum and I look like mum.  I feel like I've been tainted...