Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[TideisTurning]

Hi @AFK, 

It's clear there's a lot going on for you right now trying to take care of your partner when they're ill and your family also, on top of work and looking after you! It seems like no wonder to me that you might be feeling a lot of pressure and overwhelm from trying to manage all of that. I know that feeling of having that sense precious free time might have been 'wasted' doing 'nothing'. However, something else I've come to learn is that sometimes, when there has been a lot going on, what may seem like nothing may actually be restorative and an important form of healing in itself.

I want to encourage you to take really good care of yourself and reach out for extra support if needed for you- there is Carer Gateway, or SANE also has a Helpcentre and 1:1 Peer Support services you can access to speak with a counsellor or peer support worker non-urgently. All the very best,

TideisTurning 🌼

[AFK]

Thanks @TideisTurning . Much to my regret, I'm up before the sun tomorrow and should already be in bed, so I can't really explore those links you sent me just yet, as much as I clearly need to. I'm glad to have them for later reference, though. There's definitely a lot going on for me, and having ADHD ramps up any pressure and overwhelm that would be there for anyone in my position. I like the idea of carer support services, but I haven't thus far found myself to be eligible for anything of the kind, or for any services to help my less than functional self. We can technically feed and shower ourselves, that sort of stuff, and that's apparently enough. Aargh! I know what you mean about "doing nothing" potentially being restful/restorative. I don't think I've been doing that kind of nothing, unfortunately. More unhelpful ruminating than anything, ain't no benefit coming from that rubbish.

Anyway, I appreciate your reply and the links I hope I can engage with at some not too distant point. Kind thoughts,

AFK.

[AFK]

I did end up e-mailing the Helpcentre e-mail that night before I went to bed. They've got a thing up that says expect to hear something within 48 hours. Life has taught me not to expect much, but I admit I'm vaguely surprised there wasn't even some shmaltzy auto-reply reiterating what the website said. Three days later, empty inbox. It's funny how often those last-ditch efforts to push through the mile thick wall of negative past experience and ask for help leave me giving up on the whole concept and just dealing with it myself anyway. There might be a kind soul like yourself, @TideisTurning (and I appreciate your effort) who points in what should be the right direction, but that direction comes to nothing and unfortunately the practical result is the same for me. 

I was thinking on this general phenomenon. I've spent a lifetime groping in the dark for the knowledge and tools to make things manageable for myself, and more than once I've found my hand was a few centimetres from something useful for the last 20 years and I only happened onto it by chance after suffering the effects of its lack all that time (example - ADHD diagnosis). Maybe it's melodramatic, but I feel way too much like I've lived my life with someone on one side of me with a candle and someone on the other with a match, and occasionally one says "I have a candle but I don't have a match, sorry", and the one with the match stays silent the whole while. Dude with the candle is trying but also in the dark, but the one who can help in a practical way will not. This typifies my experience with humans and why I feel so isolated and overwhelmed all the time.

[tyme]

Hi @AFK ,

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get through the Helpcentre as you would have wanted.

I hope this doesn't put you off trying again in the future. 

I want to acknowledge the effort you made in giving it a go in the first place. Reaching out is one of the hardest things.

Groping in darkness to make sense of a confusing world can be so challenging. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you before your ADHD diagnosis.

In a way, do you feel your ADHD diagnosis has helped you make meaning of your life? Or do you prefer not to have known?

Just curious.

tyme

[Former-Member]

Hi @AFK 

I like your visual of the candle holder and the match holder. Bringing things together and making things work as they should can be a challenge. It seems from the timeline you present that you have had your ADHD diagnosis since your caregiver responsibilities increased. So I am wondering if you were getting by okay before then. If you are used to acting independently it can be hard to ask for help. Even harder to realise that what help is there is limited or inappropriate.

I have sought information in the past about ADHD or ADD because of a family situation. I have found Additude Magazine resources online and on YouTube to be helpful. Also a YouTube channel “How to ADHD”. You are right I think 🤔. There is a lot more to think about than medications.

From a practical point of view. I am wondering if you could get your partner to do more of the food shopping and preparation. I have found online shopping for groceries since the pandemic started. The online app provides a list of what I have bought before which is very helpful and I also save money by buying regular purchases only when they are on special as much as possible.

Sending my best wishes to you.

[AFK]

Hey @tyme ,

I meant to answer you yesterday, but work was brutal and it was all I could do to just shower and crawl into bed, after. Urgh.

In the end I did get a belated reply from the Helpcentre. They said my e-mail went to their junk folder. Charming, and another neat little metaphor for most of my experience with humans. Anyway, I guess posting here went some way toward that e-mail being found/retrieved from the junk. We'll see in time what comes of that.

Thanks for the validation. Reaching out is definitely the hardest thing for me. A history of getting a good solid kick in the crotch for my trouble (metaphorically) when I have tried to reach out rather sours me on doing much of it. Tends to be my last-ditch option when all else isn't working.

It certainly has been a challenge knowing I'm clearly not wired like everyone else but not knowing what the deal was - why or how I was different. I just looked at where I needed to go, and when doing it how other people do it didn't work, I figured out my own ways for the things that mattered, and concluded "to hell with the rest of it". I've never really had the same priorities as most of my peers, for that matter.

I'm not sure about it "making meaning" of my life, but the diagnosis has certainly explained a lot that made no damn sense beforehand. It hasn't necessarily made things easier - the rollercoaster of trying out meds, for instance, has been a nightmare I wouldn't have gone through had I not known. I've also found that (certainly with the help of bad reactions to meds) my self-esteem has actually taken a nosedive since the diagnosis. I initially thought it was a great tool for making things better. Roughly a year of trying like you wouldn't believe to make the knowledge work for me with nothing changing for the better has left me feeling like something of a failure. Objectively I know that sounds absurd and I wouldn't spin it that way if it was someone else where I stand. But what we know logically and what we feel just ain't the same. All that said, would I rather not know? Nope. I'd rather steel myself and face an uncomfortable truth than clap my hands over my ears and try to ignore it. My current uncomfortable truth is I may never have meds that work to give me a little edge in making ADHD strategies work better for me. Looks like it's elbow grease all the way. At least I'm no stranger to that concept.

AFK.

[tyme]

You are such an inspiration @AFK .

I’m so impressed by your frame of mind. Your partner is so fortunate to have you.

I encourage you to continue reaching out here on the forums. You raise some very thought-provoking thoughts and ideas.

Much appreciated,

tyme 

[AFK]

Hi @Former-Member ,

Thanks, glad you like my metaphor. I admit I'm a bit pleased with it. 😊 You're right, I was only diagnosed with ADHD last year. I've been a carer to varying degrees for roughly two years. I'm not sure I was doing "okay" before then, but the challenges were different. I was definitely a lot more functional at home, so though I didn't exactly love my job, the stress eased up when I wasn't at work. Even without any carer responsibilities (and to be fair, my unwell partner does far more to help me than any of my fully able-bodied exes ever did), I do see a pattern in my past - when I lived alone, I kind of managed, but whenever I have lived with another human, I have fallen to chaos and an awful lot of stress. ADHD gives that a bunch of context I didn't have before. So yeah, I'm used to acting independently. Your reflections on that are wholly accurate.

Thanks for the reminder about Additude, I've read a lot of articles on their website, though not for a while. I fairly recently discovered How to ADHD, too, it's a good channel. Dunno if you've seen the new thread on here about ADHD. It's here if you're still interested in the topic: https://saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Wait-what-did-I-come-into-this-thread-for-again-Oh-yeah-ADHD/td-p/1152096

I had a little chuckle to myself when you described the online shopping to me. It's useful information, certainly - that I have an intimate familiarity with. I'm the dude at the other side of your grocery delivery, doing the shopping and the paperwork and getting grumbled at by customers when we don't have stuff in stock (or when my underlings miss a bag or hand over someone else's stuff by mistake...). It's a very demanding job, and it's become waaaay more demanding since covid hit. So yeah, we get our groceries delivered. After doing everyone else's shopping all day, I am not even slightly interested in trundling around the supermarket with a trolley!

As for shopping and food prep with my partner - he's actually pretty good with the cooking, he does a lot of it, it's just that he has rubbish motivation and needs a push from me, and generally at least my company if not my help while he does it. The administrative side - meal plans, shopping lists, ordering online... he keeps me company and offers some suggestions while I do it, his brain fog since the surgery is still pretty bad. What's tricky is getting moving on any of it in the first place. Because of our respective challenges, any and all jobs take miles longer than they should, so we end up with precious little time to just enjoy each other's company. Oftentimes we'll therefore do the easy meal - chuck a veggie schnitzel & some frozen chips in the oven - but that is one meal instead of the big batch of stuff we can freeze for later, and doesn't hold us. Then breakfast rolls around and we're hungry and don't have food. We're too tired to cook properly so it's another easy thing, but that ultimately ends up being harder because then it's dinner time and here we are again. It's a dumb cycle, and it's that sort of thing that makes me want help, even if it's just ideas for (affordable) shortcuts. Vegetarian frozen meals are unfortunately revolting as a general rule or inadequate nutritionally. We order out once or twice a week. We use paper plates for anything that won't soak through them. We'd make bigger batches of stuff when we do cook, if the freezer would hold it - thanks to his immune suppressants he can't have food that's been in the fridge more than a day or so. It's quite a thing.

Forgive my rambling. Thanks for replying.

AFK.

[AFK]

Aww, thanks @tyme . Your positive feedback is some much needed soul food at the moment. A girl's gotta have a time out from negatives!

[tyme]

So true @AFK .

I love how you can shed a different light on situations - way to go @AFK !

😉 tyme