Coping with adult child with BPD

[Maggie21]

Hi lam new to the forum. 

I need support in how to navigate life with my 28yr old daughter who has been diagnosed with  BPD. 

She has a 6yr old daughter that l am very concerned for. 

I live in rural area 1.5hrs away from where they live. 

My daughter refuses to seek professional support but continuously tell me to as l am the cause of all her mental health issues! 

She has only ever been in the paid workforce once undertaking casual work possibly for 50hrs max. She is on Centrelink single parent payments. 

I have financially bailed her out continuously throughout her life. I have used all of my savings and super and now face having to return to the workforce to ensure l have the finances to support her. 

She verbally attacks me continuously and then asks for support. The roller coaster communication is exhausting.

I feel l am often reactive in her bating me even though l attempt not to be.

I feel l cannot trust what she says to be true most frequently.  She is always the victim and other people always do her wrong.

I often feel what is projected to me is just for my benefit...to goad me into a reaction.

I do have her daughter at my house regularly and right now l feel that l should attempt to do this on a more regular basis if l can get her agreement to allow that to occur. I don't have the financial resources to proceed at this stage to make a family law court action to ensure mthly or f/tly weekend access. I do feel giving my grand daughter some respite at regular times will have a positive impact on her. 

I suppose l would just like to know how other parents cope with similar situations. 

[Ru-bee]

Hello @Maggie21 and welcome to the forums 

Trying to support a loved one who is not willing or able to seek support for themselves is such a terribly difficult situation to be in. I hear that your daughter is refusing any professional help, but does she have any other supports around her, maybe friends?

I hear your concern for your granddaughter. Are you worried about her safety in this situation?

I also want to check in on what supports you have around you? As you've mentioned, this situation sounds exhausting and very stressful, and it's important that you're seeking support for yourself.

While I'm not able to relate from my own experiences, I know that there are other community members who have experienced similar situations and will be able to share their experiences with you.

[Maggie21]

My daughter burns through friends like no tomorrow and appears to always have someone in her life that also is struggling with Mental Health issues. Her 'friends' dint last long.  I am concerned for my granddaughter but l believe  at this moment she is OK. (l think, l hope.) 

I have been seeing a Counsellor or thevpast year.  The person l share my living space with is also very supportive  and a couple of friends that l have. 

[tyme]

Hi there @Maggie21 ,

Thank you for sharing. I'm certainly hearing your struggles. As much as you are doing what you can to help your daughter, it sounds like it is really affecting you - mentally, physically and financially.

As someone diagnosed with BPD, I recognise your daughter's instability. Know that you are an important person in her life and that's why you are bearing the brunt of your daughter's emotional turmoil.

Whilst you are supporting her financially, she may not see the need to work, or to help herself.

At this point, it is also important to consider her daughter. If your daughter is not able to care for her, it may be in the hands of DHHS to decide what can be done. You may want to call DHHS in the state that you live in to see know what your options are.

Boundaries are so important. If you feel able, it might be good to find a time when she is not heightened, to discuss what boundaries can look like. Then write them down. e.g. "I will not be supporting you financially, but will support you to find work" (I don't know your situation, but this is just an example).

As for your daughter not seeking help, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

I found myself in a similar place where I blamed everyone for my issues. I eventually moved away interstate, and this was when I realised my issues followed me - I was the common denominator. After over 10 years, I eventually came to the point where I was ready to seek help. 

Please know BPD is very treatable. But they need to want to be helped.

You deserve to feel supported, rather than drained. Feel free to ask any questions you have about BPD and I will do my best to answer (only if you feel up to it).

Take care

[tyme]

How are you today @Maggie21 ?

[Maggie21]

I'm  OK.  I have not had contact with my daughter today. I have been  on a long walk with my dog and then did a couple of hrs of gardening which was most satisfying.

Oh and applied for 2 jobs! 

So l have a sense of achievement tonight.

Kept busy to keep  the thoughts at bay wondering/worrying about my daughter & granddaughter......I don't think they ever go away ..just push them back!

[imalittleteapot]

Hey Maggie21, I just read your original post and my heart goes out to you. Glad you had a better day today and good luck with the job applications !

[tyme]

How are you going today @imalittleteapot ?

[Maggie21]

I'm OK thank you

[tyme]

Do you general contact your daughter everyday? How are things going for you today? @Maggie21 

Good on you with the job applications!