conversion therapy survivor

[rebuilding]

i grew up in a sheltered pentecostal fundamentalist christian environment in the 80s and 90s. there was CSA within and outside the family. for two decades i believed i was possessed by evil spirits, eg. the spirit of homosexuality. i lived in despair and anguish at my inherent wickedness, as no matter how many times i was exorcised, no matter how much i prayed, i would somehow inadvertently allow the demons back in. perhaps it was the secular music i couldn't help hearing at the shopping centre? at 16 i resigned myself to being destined for hell. i labelled myself bisexual as it allowed me to admit to myself that i am attracted to woman while also allowing me to have the facade of liking men so that i could fit into the worldview that had been indoctrinated into my psyche, ie. it's my god-giving duty to serve a man and have children. of course, i always chose narcissistic and violent men because i hated myself and believed i had no worth. i'm 44 this year and have only just been able to say out loud that i'm a lesbian. with the nsw anti conversion therapy bill passing this year, i feel i'm not alone. i haven't been able to find a conversion therapy survivor support group that isn't interstate. i plan on revealing this aspect of my CPTSD to my psychiatrist next appointment but im anxious about it 

[Glisten]

Hi 👋🏼 @rebuilding Welcome to the SANE land of Forum.

Big HUGS 🤗 You are perfect just the way you are.

I’d be nervous. you don’t know what reaction you’re going to get from your therapist.
If they are Trauma experienced and part of the Rainbow 🌈 family, then they will 💯 % understand.

If you don’t get the right reaction from them, get up and out 👉🏼

Narcipaths, they will punish you until you are an empty shell 🐚 with a suitcase 🧳 and nowhere to live. That is my truth.

G

[The-red-centaur]

@rebuilding hey. Welcome. 

I totally can relate. I'm part of the rainbow community and grew up in a similar environment. It's hard. I feel you here. 

Conversion therapy is devasting on our psyche, we are told who we, at our core, is wrong and sinful. I'm sorry you went through it all. Like me it, i can imagine it just adds to your feelings of defectiveness and worthlessness that comes with csa.

I'm sorry for everything you have been through. I hope your psych responds with compassion and care. 

[Chelsea9]

It’s so brave to open up and talk about such a complex trauma.

Religious trauma in general is so complex and add the layer of homophobia and it’s an absolute nightmare.

I’m 33 but left the church after 29 years of dedication. I came out at 17 and my Christian peers were mostly supportive or at least supportive of me minus the gay.

I find the hardest thing for me is to not go back to those destructive thought patterns in hard times. The blame is real.

I came on this forum to work through my BPD diagnosis hoping for other rainbow folk to talk to and get some peace of mind and help trying to move forward in life and relationships.

Keen to chat and commiserate with one another 🌈

[tyme]

Hi @Chelsea9 ,

Welcome to the forums! Great to see you here.

BPD is so closely linked with complex trauma, and I'm hearing of your not-so-pleasant experiences linked to religion. It must be so difficult and isolating at times. 

As you connect with others on the forums, I hope you feel a sense of belonging.

We are here for you.

Tagging @rebuilding @The-red-centaur @Glisten in case they missed your post above.

[Chelsea9]

Thank you! You’re right! Perhaps my loneliness at the moment is linked with the grief of leaving what was such a giant part of my identity for so long.

[The-red-centaur]

@Chelsea9 @rebuilding how are you both doing at the moment. 

Religious trauma can be hard to talk about. Especially conversion therapies. I hope you're doing alright. 

I remember when I left the church. I felt lost and isolated but also self empowered because I was living my life for me, not some higher being that always told me I who at my core was wrong. It can be hard to build ourselves up when we were torn down by the people people and god that were supposed to love us, accept us and not judge us. 

I hope you both find a place where you can love the parts of yourself that were hurt. You deserve that. To be loved and cared for, to have compassion, and to have a space where you a rent alone or judged. 

I have been out of the church for 5 or so years. I am slowly learning to be bearer of my own destiny and love the hurting parts of myself.

There is absolutly nothing wrong with us, and we deserve to future where we can be free. 

[Chelsea9]

@The-red-centaur @rebuilding 

I can identify so much with those feelings and experiences. It’s so validating to hear how similar our feelings leaving are and how empowering it has been.

do you ever find yourself missing those connections and if you had close relationships with christians that you don’t feel like you have anything in common anymore? I’ve been missing that part recently.

[The-red-centaur]

@Chelsea9 I understand. It can be isolating at first, especially when our old friends ostracise us coz we aren't part of the church anymore. 

Finding new genuine connections helped me, but it's taken me until recently to really do so.

Finding new hobbies or interests or even growing old ones can help to start those connections. It's important to find something that works for you. 

Even these online communities are a great place to start. It's a good way to explore connections safely. I found I went online a lot.

I hope you can find people who love you for who you really are, not who you try to project.