Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Yuki]

Hi everyone,  

I am not sure even where to start....I did post months back about my partner of 4 years.  I feel we are on a rollercoaster ride.  Good moments and bad moments.....the good moments used to be 90% of the time, of late the bad moments are out weighing the good moments....  He suffers from severe depression due to the loss of two of his children on seperate occassions....he blames himself for their passing.  He is on meds but I don't think they are helping him anymore.  I have suggested that he go back to the docs and get it looked at.  Maybe try a different med. He is totally against that.  Tells me I am not his mother.  or I am fine.... I don't beleive he is telling the doctor the truth about how he actually is.  Mind you, he only sees the doctor when he has to get his sript renewed... He has told me he knows he is getting worse but won't do anything about it.  Instead, I get his angry state...it is like he is blaming me.  He just pushes me away, says nasty things like 'I don't know if I want to be here with you anymore', 'just get out of my face'  'I don't know what i want anymore' 'leave me alone'  etc...so he puts doubt in myself - maybe he really doesn't want to be here and that is why he is so angry and distant.  He never apologises for how he speaks to me, never accepts responsibility or wants to talk about it.  I asked him what he wants me to do.  He says, 'just be normal'  How does a person be normal when they have been verbally abused?  I love him with all my heart.  I don't want the relationship to end, but I really don't know how much longer I can take this.  I have had bad news of late too and have had some very emotional days....when I cry he doesn't hug me, I ask for a hug and he says "again!"  "we are not 16 anymore, we don't need to hug all the time"  Really?  how can he be so cold..He was not like this when we met, infact he was totally the opposite.  It has been in the past i-2 years that I have noticed him get progressively worse.  I offer to go to the doctors with him, no he won't even go unless he has to get his script renewed.  I say I need to go to see someone as I am not dealing with all this very well and ask him if he will come with me, he ignores me.  Whenever I try and have a chat (as I feel he is in a better place) he then just shuts me out and says, 'would you just stop, i don't want to talk, this makes my depression worse...'   When someone is depressed, do they really say hurtful things like this?  do they push people away?  do they blame everyone else?  never take responsibility or apologise?  when he has good days he is great.  we have a wonderful time together. I worry though....I have not been out with my friends as much as I am not sure what he will do.  He has had nights of drinking and playing the kids funeral songs and then plays his funeral song!  He is in a really bad place....the lenght of these depressive states is getting longer.  it used to be for a day or two now it seems to go for a week to two weeks or more... I have no idea what to do.  He won't talk with me about it.  He just gets angry if I broach anything about getting help or support.  He ignores me if I tell him I am not coping with it all very well and he is bringing me down too....  There is so much more but I would be here for quite a while writing everything.....  I am not a quitter and I don't want to give up on him, but at the same token, I need to know if he actually wants to be here with me.  He has said a few times now he doesn't so my self esteem is low and I have doubt.  I also need to know he wants to help himself.  I have tried so hard to offer support, be there for him etc. and I just keep getting pushed away, getting told I am not his mother, or I am a grown man and I don't need your help or anyones.....  What do I do?  I am feeling drained and very emotional....I just want to cry a lot of the times.  I need the emotional side of the relationship too but he just can't seem to return it.... 😞   any suggestions on how to cope, how to help him and how to help me would be great.  Cheers 

[NikNik]

Hi @Yuki

I remember you first post in the Forums - I'm sorry to read things haven't improved.

 You have been such a wonderful person to your partner - it must be really hard when you're not feeling the same support reciprocated.  I've seen you 'around' the Forum tonight - and am amazed at your compassion. Even though you are going through so much yourself, you are connecting with other members and checking in with them.  

As every other person in a relationship - you have every right to want affection, support and feel appreciated. Your needs are just as important. I understand though - as we see so often in the forums - at the moment you're putting your needs aside to find the best support for your partner.

I hope you're finding connecting with other members helpful. Their advice and support will have more weight than mine, as they have 'been there' 🙂 But I did want to share one suggestion (which you may have already tried) -

Have you looked into organisations that specifically work with people who have lost family members / children? If you partner doesn't want to talk about the depression or seek help for it, would he accept help if it was through an organisation like Compassionate Friends, who provide friendship and support to bereaved parents and their families following the death of child at any age and from any cause. I'm not sure which state you're in, but they also have state specific branches.

Just thought I'd suggest another angle to approach your partner with.

Take care

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Yuki

Australian male culture can be very stubborn and tough with themselves when it comes to feelings and grief. His comments seem very typical of that mentality ... and maybe less about you.

am wondering if you did withdraw a little from your partner but still keep some opening ... for the relationship ... a temporary separation not with ultimatums .. but for you to gain your own self back .. away from the negativity of depression .. or massive reactive grief ... do you have any possibilities there?

I dont know what happened with his kids ... but parental self blame can be a huge sticking point .. when he may really not have been able to prevent the deaths at all ... but he just whips himself.

I feel for you both in this difficult time.

[Yuki]

@NikNik Thank you... I will look into the organisation, I haven't heard about it. Hopefully can get him to talk with them... I will contact them though as maybe they can help me to help him if he won't talk to them... I am in South Australia. Yes connecting with other members is helpful...I will take on any advise given. Thank you again Cheers

[Yuki]

@Appleblossom Thank you. I am trying really hard to 'withdraw" a bit. It is hard for me to do this as I hate to see him suffering and feel the need to always be there for him... I can not do a temporary separation...I have no family here and I would not burden friends by moving in with them even if short term. I can not afford to rent temporarily anywhere... so 'withdrawing' and going out more is what I will continue to do. His first child died not in his care at age 14... then his second child died at 17, He has one surviving child. He blames himself for both deaths Both he could not have prevented or helped at the time. Yes, he just whips himself.... has been doing so for years and years.... I will hang in there and hope for the best outcome whichever that may be. Thank you Cheers