Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[tryinghardx3]

I am at wits end. Every time I am alone with my partners kids everything just spirals out of control. If I repremand the youngest for inappropriate behaviour he starts punching walls throwing chairs yelling abuse at me that it is all my fault that he is so angry. I have yet to find a way to calm him. everything I try just makes him escalate. the oldest has ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) so he thinks he can do what he wants. If you ask him to not do something he just smiles and does it. I knew he was upset by something at school and tried to speak to him but all he did was keep running off and throwing rocks at the fence. One almost hit me in the face. He also escalates and starts kicking and throwing stuff. Neither of them show any respect to me or the house. I just do not know what to do anymore. Most of these behaviours do not happen when thier father is home. The youngest is only concerened that his dad will  be upset about his behaviour not if I am. They have spent as much time with both of us as they were living with thier grandparents most of thier life (about 8 with grandparents). I was with thier father when he re=established contact. 

[Squirrel]

Hello @tryinghardx3 Nothing sounds okay about what you are describing. It sounds awful for all of you. I am wondering if you have a family support worker as you work toward establishing your new family. It sounds like there is so much as risk for the children if they are deemed to be poorly behaved. Will Dad not want me if I cannot control my actions? If I cannot make sense of strong emotions how can I control my behaviour? When a young child is living with a sibling with mental illness they can struggle to know what is 'normal' and what is mental illness. That child will need their own special support in managing their unique family environment. What a big job for you to manage in building trust in a secure base. 

There are some really great supports available for blended families. Do you know who you might start to talk to about accessing professional support options for you all? Do you have a supportive GP? The support services you access will depend on the age of the children and your location (which you cannot reveal on this forum). I encourage you to keep posting on this forum to access support and ideas about what has helped for others in figuring out what might be helpful for you. It is great that you have reached out.

Will be thinking of you

[tryinghardx3]

We are doing counselling at the moment just the oldest is being seen. The youngest was being seen as well we thought we had made enough progress that he didnt need to go anymore but he still does. When they have done some individual we will be doing the whole family as the boys have a deep rooted animosity towards each other as they were raised in the same house by different people. The oldest by the grandfather and the youngest by the grandmother. they have very different parenting styles. I just find it frustrating that the behaviours are so different when it is just me and that no matter how I approach the situation it just escalates especially between the boys. I do not want to feel like I do not want to be alone with my kids that hurts my heart.

[NikNik]

Hi @tryinghardx3

What a tough ad stressful situation you are in.

Is your partner supportive of you? For example, when these prior incidents have happened has he talked to the boys about it and it clear their behaviour is unacceptable?

There's a great resource for parents which you might find helpful. It's by ReachOut. You can find it here

The website has some great factsheets and information. There is also an online community like this 🙂

I hope you find it helpful 

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @tryinghardx3

How are you tonight? I'm so terribly sorry of what you are going through. This is going to sound awful but children can be manipulative sometimes. My two sons have certainly been. and can be. 

My name is @PettiPatty, I am a community guide of the forum. It is supposed to mean I am supposed to direct you to thread on this site and people who may be in your situation as well. 

But at the end of the day....We are all in this together aren't we ?

On the site there is a lady called 

@FaithandHope                    who manages well with her three children who may have some strategies.

There are also mother like me who have had sons or daughters living in difficult circumstances. I'm certainly one of them. 

Hope to write soon,

PP 

[tryinghardx3]

yes @NikNik he is very supportive he is just as confused about the situation as I am. We think a lot of it has to do with the way thier grandfather treats women. Also the youngest thinks it was his fault his mum died and his fault he has moved out of his grandparents and the carerer in between so tests his theroy by being as naughty as he can to see if I will leave or make him leave. I am always telling him i love him as much as the other 5 kids and while i am not happy with his behaviour i think he is awesome. We also talk to him about his mum and how she gave him hugs and kisses and told him she loved him. She passed away when he was 3 days old.

[LJD]

My heart goes out to you and your family.  When kids have been traumatised the usual discipline actually makes things worse (as you have discovered) and sadly families are rarely taught how to support traumatised children.  The Australian Childhood Foundation might be a useful resource http://www.childhood.org.au and the Australian Childhood Trauma Group also https://www.theactgroup.com.au.

I strongly recommend you and your husband get some training about trauma as it will really help you make sense of your kids reactions and save you a lot of distress.