Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JessesGal]

Hi Everyone, 

Last week a friend made an attempt to end their life. They put me in a situation that I really didn't want to be in - where I had to choose between a friendship that I've had for decades, and my legal requirements to report. I am so angry at them - not for their attempt, but for their seemingly blissful ignorance of the impact that their choices had, and their lack of action. I have known this person since childhood, and I have tried to get them to reach out for support more times than I can remember. I've provided them with phone numbers, I've gone to appointments with them etc, I've sat up for hours on end for countless nights just listening to them and being there for them. It didn't have to reach crisis point, if they had have taken the support that I and so many other people have told them they need. I know I can't make them get help, no matter how much I want to, and maybe they needed this to happen to be a wake up call, but it's just so frustrating that all of this could've been avoided. I'm at the point where I am dreading and avoiding contact with them because I'm wondering what they are going to need from me next? They don't realise that last week, instead of doing the things I needed to do for myself and my family, I was at home making phone calls, and contacting resources, and bawling my eyes out worrying over them. Then again, how would they know, because I've never told them? I'm hiding from them and the whole world at the moment. 

I have reached out to all of my supports, I'm prioritising my self-care and I'm doing everything right. I'm just trying to understand what is going on in my own head? 

Thanks for reading. 

[Jynx]

Hey @JessesGal welcome to the forums, I'm glad you've found this space, especially with everything you're dealing with at the moment. 

I'm curious if you've ever heard the term, 'compassion fatigue'? It is associated with burnout and vicarious trauma, and refers to "the profound emotional and physical erosion that takes place when helpers are unable to refuel and regenerate". You can read more here about the difference between the three terms. I bring it up because in my experience, frustration and anger can be signs of this kind of fatigue/burnout. When we devote so much time and energy towards caring for someone, and then to see them still struggling and unable to engage with the support you've been trying to provide or help them access - yeah, it can hurt us. If this idea resonates with your experience, it might be worth exploring further with a mental health professional if you have access to one. You could also buzz the SANE Support Centre (1800 187 263, Mon-Fri, 10am-8pm) if you wanna unpack it further with one of our counsellors. 

What you're experiencing is not abnormal. It does NOT mean that you don't care about your friend if you need to step away for a while. Whether or not you tell your friend about how you feel is up to you; it could help to communicate your needs, but it could also be a conversation that happens down the track once the crisis has passed. 

Hope you find some solidarity here, and do reach out to us if you have any questions or concerns 💜

[JessesGal]

I have definitely heard of compassion fatigue, and I am without doubt experiencing it. I wasn't aware that it could present as anger and frustration though. I will look into to it more. I have been working on setting personal boundaries more, and tonight I wrote a letter to my friend. I'm not sure if I will ever send it, but I think it will help me to have a way of expressing my anger and frustration in a safe way. 

Thank you 🙂 

[tyme]

Good on you @JessesGal ,

It's certainly a start in that you wrote that letter. Sometimes, it just lightens things a little.

I can relate to compassion fatigue. It can really burn a person out, and therefore, setting some healthy boundaries is certainly encouraged.

Please know you are not alone @JessesGal 

We are here for you.