Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Prisoner]

My boyfriend is convinced he is being followed. He accuses me of setting him up and has chased me in his car one day for over half an hour and when I finally pulled up he thought I had someone hiding in my car boot. I was so scared that day I went to the police. The police have since been called twice as it is the only way he leaves me alone - I have never cheated or even entertained such an idea, but he won't listen when I tell him repeatedly there is nothing going on. We went to get dinner Friday night in a drive through but he spotted a random car in the car park and told me I was setting him up - he then chased after the car and I didn't feel safe because I really don't know what he will do or is capable of. I told him repeatedly to take me back to my car which he eventually did only to attack me and accuse me of setting him up and I'm the reason he's being followed and that I had told someone where we going that night when he was with me the whole time I never contacted anyone. I was pushed out of the car, held down and when I finally got up he chased me and threw me in the house and put his hands around my neck. I was only able to leave because police came. He tells me he loves me and he needs to spend more time with me and he will be ok. I am too terrified of what will happen next and I can't see any option of leaving this relationship safely apart from a VRO. Every time I've tried to leave he threatens suicide, I've barely held myself together and this is the first time I've told everyone what's really been happening. Im seeking help through therapy for my own sanity but am too scared to tell him. That's what I've become, a scared shattered human

[pip]

Hi Prisoner. Your bf has some serious problems relating to fear of being watched/followed. I think I'd be inclined to tell him, he either gets some professional help, or the relationship (such as it is) is not worth your fear of his anger. Have you told the person you're seeing about this? I would mention it and discuss your options with your therapist, if you're not sure what they are. It also would seem your bf is using emotional blackmail (threatening suicide) hardly a stable foundation for any relationship. He needs help, so do you. He doesn't love you, he doesn't know how to love. He's not really a bf, more like your jailer.

[Prisoner]

Hi pip, thanks for your reply. I have told my counsellor and I know I am being manipulated. I have asked him to seek help but all he wants is me to fix him and he thinks he'll be ok if I spend more time with him- which I am too scared to give. I just can't be around him anymore because I feel like I make it worse because he is so fixated on me. He doesn't work he also has medical condition but none of that matters as much as the fear I now feel inside me. Even though I have a police order in place now I'm still shaking on the inside. I tried to visit some friends last night but had to go home after 100m because I was scared I was being followed. I just can't see a resolution to this that doesn't involve court

[pip]

Dear Prisoner. You mentioned you have an AVO in place. Did you apply to the police for that? I would suggest you maybe think about relocating (I know that's a bit extreme), but if he doesn't know where you are, and you trust your friends enough that they won't say, shifting might help alleviate some of your distress. Either that or try for a safe house, till you can sort something more permanent. Having police protection is helpful, but if they get called to a serious situation, that won't be much help to you. Ask the women's advisory centre nearest you if they have any suggestions. It's almost a legal problem, but if you want to avoid court, you're going to need legal advise.

[Prisoner]

It's a 72 hour protection order the police put on him after he came to my house and pushed my window in yesterday because I didn't reply or answer his texts/calls after as Friday night. It was the first time he actually he hurt me physically but I was too scared to tell the cops. It was at his house, he lives with his mum who rang his older sister and her partner to come to the house which they did after I'd been attacked but he still wouldn't calm down and then police came, so many police and that was how I got away. Then the order yesterday. I was too scared to say he hurt me to anyone but I see the bruises. I never thought I'd need a avo to break up with someone and am terrified of the process and what it means because I do love him and want him to be ok- but without me

[pip]

Dear Prisoner. I hear what you're saying about being scared to tell anyone what he's done. How much do you know about taking out AVO''s? Have a talk with the women's legal services, there's bound to be something in your area. Have a talk with the police about taking out an AVO, see exactly what the process involves. You need protection and if this means an AVO, so be it. I'm sure, seeing as the police have been called, they would provide evidence that would get you the AVO. If he 'breaches' this order, he faces the consequences. He is not your problem, nor your responsibility. I can also understand your reluctance in not wanting to hurt his family, but, under the circumstances, I'm sure they would understand. See the police, show them the bruises and ask about taking out an AVO.

[querentxyz]

Hi Prisoner, what a horrible and scary experience for you. It seems like you will need to put yourself and your safety first, and try to leave his wellbeing with his family if you can. Have you taken photographs of your bruises or seen a doctor about them? I hope this situation will be improve for you.

[Prisoner]

talking on here has really given me so much to think about and this really isn't all just in my head- it's felt like I've been trapped in a bad dream and now I'm some kind of sleep walking through this. His mother has texted me telling me how much he loves me and misses me and how much he can't wait to see me Tuesday and how it will be some fantastic new start to us being happy regardless of how much I told her I was scared of him , that I was physically hurt and that u couldn't see how we could come back from this and it needed to stop for everyone's sake. I can't love someone if I'm scared of them can I? I'm struggling with the decision still even though I know in my heart what needs to happen - how can he think I can just accept a sorry and pretend this didn't happen or couldn't happen again ? He said he'd never hurt me and he did he said he'd change and he didn't- I will go to the police and talk to them about what happened tomorrow and find out what an AVO will mean. How long are they in place for?

[pip]

Dear Prisoner. Naturally, his mum wants desperately to believe him, most mothers need to hang on to the belief that their children are basically good and just need love. Love means being cared for, safe, unconditional love also means they know you and trust that you know them. Your bf, unfortunately is not capable of love because he doesn't understand the true meaning of love. If you continue in this toxic situation, nothing will change. When you see the police regarding the AVO, ask exactly how they work, how long are they in place. Ignore mum, she is listening to her heart, where son is concerned, she is not 'listening' to the danger you're in. Sounds also like her son has ****** her somewhat, telling her he's changed etc. Yes, you're right, it is a nightmare, but nightmares do end, this one will too, when you take charge of your life by stopping his 'control'.

[Prisoner]

I went to the courthouse today to apply for the AVO. I have been left with no choice because I want to feel safe. I go before the magistrate tomorrow morning.