Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sally123]

I'm giving up on my own family. My home life (not including my parents and sisters) is fantastic. I love my husband and my daughter is the light of my life. My family, on the other hand, is the only stress in my life and it's becoming intolerable. I don't know how to deal with it and it consumes me.

Everyone in my family suffers from extremely low self esteem. My mother has always had this issue, even when she was younger according to my father. This has made her hypersensitive and overly concerned with what everyone thinks of her. She's never had any friends. Growing up, there was so much pressure for me to be her friend. I was forced to stay in on weekends. Forced to go shopping with her. She's become a very "fake" person, and I've never really trusted her. She's shared things with everyone (including aunts and uncles) I've told her not to tell anyone. She'll say one thing to my face, then something completely different to someone else. Her desperation to be accepted is overwhelming and being with her is exhausting. She doesn't understand boundaries, she constantly fishes for compliments and expects me to have these overly exaggerated reactions when she does something for me. When I don't go on and on about how amazing she is, I'm the bad person that doesn't appreciate her. I can't have a normal conversation with my own mother, and to be honest, I can't even imagine going to her for any advice. It feels like you're dealing with a child. She once completely overstepped her boundaries as a grandmother (this actually happens every time she visits) and pretended her stomach hurt immediately after we told her to smarten up. She spent the entire night in the bathroom venting to my dad about how terrible we are because we told her she needs to respect our parenting.

My father is an alcoholic but he would never admit it. He drinks all the time, all day. The stiffest drinks ever. I believe this is to be able to deal with my mother. My mother constantly criticizes my dad, putting him down, making him feel like an idiot to make herself feel better. It has ALWAYS been this way, even when I was a child. And when I was young, I actually believed it. Now that I'm 30, I see how unhealthy their relationship is. A few years ago, my dad was pushed to his limit with my mother and would vent to me about how miserable he was every single time I saw him (which wasn't that often). He would also constantly talk to my husband about how depressed he was and how much my mom was ruining his life. A few years back, we invited my parents over to tell them we were expecting. My mother was treating my father so poorly and acting so crazy I ran upstairs and started bawling. I just couldn't take it anymore. This led to my husband talking to my dad about how unstable my mother seemed. Given their relationship he thought this would be ok, but instead my father turned on my husband and told pretty much everyone he knew what an asshole my husband is to talk about his wife that way. We were both so shocked. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. My father never calls me, never attempts to visit me. I truly feel like he doesn't care.

Then there's my sisters. They can never be happy for me. When I got married, they looked bored out of their minds while I was dress shopping. They complained about purchasing their bridemaid dresses. No one planned my party. They complained that I didn't announce my pregnancy to them before everyone, yet never asked me how I was feeling throughout my pregnancy or even attempted to come to my baby shower. Then I had my baby, and I get angry texts from them in the hospital the next morning because I didn't have my husband phone them. I had gone through 3 days of agonizing labour. Again, no congratulations. NOTHING. Just thinking about them. I haven't spoken with my one sister in almost half a year. She knows I'm pregnant. She can't even so much as like a photo on facebook. I have no idea what her issue is. She lives far from me, but came 4 hours away and couldn't even tell me. She had no interest in seeing me at all. I've never done anything to her. I truly don't understand what is wrong.

Then there's my other sister. I just came back from visiting her for a week and the entire time I felt I was walking on eggshells because she will get offended at the flip of a switch, just like my mother, and use any little thing she did for me against me. She has such low esteem and is SO concerned with what people say and think. She got angry with me because when she asked if I had a good time, I said I did and I sure love the city she lives in. Apparently she wanted me to tell her I love her and go on and on about how amazing she is. I had just hugged her and told her I loved her and thanked her for everything! It's like nothing is good enough. Now she's angry with me, using the fact that she did so much for me during my visit. Again, apparently I didn't react to her the way she wanted me to, so she's mad and no longer speaking with me either,

I just can't win. I'm such an easygoing person and I'm happy! I'm starting to wonder why I'm even allowing them in my life. They just bring me down and I know for a fact they all talk to eachother about my husband and I. They all hate my husband because he's not a fake person. He has the biggest heart, but he's not the "fake nice", "everything's wonderful" they're looking for. And that isn't me either. Which is why they all seem to hate me. Could it be jealousy? I don't understand what I did wrong.

Sorry this is so long. It's just eating me up.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @sally123

Probably the first thing you have learned about this site is how much it helps to just vent, anonymously ....

The second thing you will learn is that as other people respond to your post they will receive email notifications that flag them when the thread is active ... so please don't become discouraged if it takes a little while to receive more responses ....

I will flag you from our coffee corner .... it's a bit of a social drop-in thread where you can meet and chat with others .... get to know some of us a bit ....

Cheers -

🌷 F&H

[Aphrodite]

Hi @sally123 - Wow, your story sounds very similar to mine in as far as my experience of my family and sisters.  One in particular is really cruel to me and has said things that are despicable, then wants to say that all families have conflicts, downplaying it - things said were out to destroy me, and just totally vicious, and I like you, did absolutely nothing to deserve her outburst - she lives on the other side of Australia, and I don't even talk on the phone to her.  She has alot of unresolved anger, and I believe me just being me and where I am brings up anger and resentful feelings towards me - you asked if it could be jealousy in your situation.  I would say absolutely 'yes' it most certainly could be - I asked myself the same questions as you and given that my sister has this anger towards me, and it is totally unprovoked and I have never done anything to her, I concluded that jealousy is what it is.  I do know that she is very jealous of my relationship with our mother - she is the oldest in the family, and I am the youngest.  She is 63, and I am 52.  Like your family, my whole family have mental health issues - I am one of 7, though my sister who was 18 months older than I committed suicide a few years ago.  Since my sisters suicide, my oldest sister and the second oldest in the family who is also a sister have both left long term partners which were both emotionally abusive, which is great, but the second oldest is displaying characteristics of probably quite severe depression and is very angry, irritable and nasty -She has become mentally unstable, and I know is not well at all, since leaving an abusive partner.  She was always a huge people pleaser, very insecure and a very low self esteem, but she has become almost unbearable to be around - recently there was a confrontation between her and I about the say she has been treating our 83 mother, and she was hysterical, screaming, calling me terrible things and telling my 12 year old son, 'Your mother is a bitch'.  I did not raise my voice at her or anything I just told her that she needed to stop speaking to our mother the way she was - it was just horrendous.  She had controlled the situation with her angry attitude, and I just knew instinctively that it would not be good if I confronted her, no matter how I did it.  Anyway, that night, I decided that I was taking my son from my mothers home, and not going back, as this sister lives with my mother.  Now both sisters have teamed up against me - it is just so terrible and very very sad, as like you, I have alot of love to give, and would have loved nothing more than to be able to go out for lunch with my sister and have a loving relationship, but unfortunately I have concluded that I am likely never going to be able to have that, and to be honest, I have given up on both of these sisters, as this last incident has taken its toll on my own mental health, and I have developed worse depression than I have ever experienced before, and I just need to protect myself from them, and of course my son.  I have 3 brothers, 2 of which have had serious mental health issues, one which made a very serious attempt on his life, and is lucky to still be alive, the other is a huge concern, and then the 3rd who is the only one in the family I feel I can be around - he has a family, and I love him and his grown children, though he has very little to do with family, so I don't get to see him an awful lot, even though he lives in the same town.  So although I am 1 of 7, I have always felt very lonely, and with the incidents with my sisters and since losing my other sister, I feel I have no family.  The sadness I feel has been terrible and the depression I have been experiencing has been a level that I have never experienced before.  To be honest, I have decided that I do not care to have a relationship with family members that do not seem to be capable of love, support and caring for one another - you can't change people, and I don't believe that because they are family that they are any different to any joe blow who is detrimental to me.  I hear how you are trying to understand why it is the way it is, asking what you did wrong - I did the same thing, and realized that I did nothing wrong.  If I ever have anything to do with these sisters again, it will be kept very superficial, and I will protect myself and my son at all costs.  Just look after you and your family first - mental and emotional issues commonly do extend to the whole family, and I am not saying that I haven't had my issues, but I do believe that I have survived quite well, and unfortunately the most detrimental affects on me have been due to family.  I hope you find that place of peace no matter how you manage your situation, and I will say again, look after YOU.  Hope to hear from you again. 

[Aphrodite]

Hi @ sally123 - Wow, your story sounds very similar to mine in as far as my experience of my family and sisters.  One in particular is really cruel to me and has said things that are despicable, then wants to say that all families have conflicts, downplaying it - things said were out to destroy me, and just totally vicious, and I like you, did absolutely nothing to deserve her outburst - she lives on the other side of Australia, and I don't even talk on the phone to her.  She has alot of unresolved anger, and I believe me just being me and where I am brings up anger and resentful feelings towards me - you asked if it could be jealousy in your situation.  I would say absolutely 'yes' it most certainly could be - I asked myself the same questions as you and given that my sister has this anger towards me, and it is totally unprovoked and I have never done anything to her, I concluded that jealousy is what it is.  I do know that she is very jealous of my relationship with our mother - she is the oldest in the family, and I am the youngest.  She is 63, and I am 52.  Like your family, my whole family have mental health issues - I am one of 7, though my sister who was 18 months older than I committed suicide a few years ago.  Since my sisters suicide, my oldest sister and the second oldest in the family who is also a sister have both left long term partners which were both emotionally abusive, which is great, but the second oldest is displaying characteristics of probably quite severe depression and is very angry, irritable and nasty -She has become mentally unstable, and I know is not well at all, since leaving an abusive partner.  She was always a huge people pleaser, very insecure and a very low self esteem, but she has become almost unbearable to be around - recently there was a confrontation between her and I about the say she has been treating our 83 mother, and she was hysterical, screaming, calling me terrible things and telling my 12 year old son, 'Your mother is a bitch'.  I did not raise my voice at her or anything I just told her that she needed to stop speaking to our mother the way she was - it was just horrendous.  She had controlled the situation with her angry attitude, and I just knew instinctively that it would not be good if I confronted her, no matter how I did it.  Anyway, that night, I decided that I was taking my son from my mothers home, and not going back, as this sister lives with my mother.  Now both sisters have teamed up against me - it is just so terrible and very very sad, as like you, I have alot of love to give, and would have loved nothing more than to be able to go out for lunch with my sister and have a loving relationship, but unfortunately I have concluded that I am likely never going to be able to have that, and to be honest, I have given up on both of these sisters, as this last incident has taken its toll on my own mental health, and I have developed worse depression than I have ever experienced before, and I just need to protect myself from them, and of course my son.  I have 3 brothers, 2 of which have had serious mental health issues, one which made a very serious attempt on his life, and is lucky to still be alive, the other is a huge concern, and then the 3rd who is the only one in the family I feel I can be around - he has a family, and I love him and his grown children, though he has very little to do with family, so I don't get to see him an awful lot, even though he lives in the same town.  So although I am 1 of 7, I have always felt very lonely, and with the incidents with my sisters and since losing my other sister, I feel I have no family.  The sadness I feel has been terrible and the depression I have been experiencing has been a level that I have never experienced before.  To be honest, I have decided that I do not care to have a relationship with family members that do not seem to be capable of love, support and caring for one another - you can't change people, and I don't believe that because they are family that they are any different to any joe blow who is detrimental to me.  I hear how you are trying to understand why it is the way it is, asking what you did wrong - I did the same thing, and realized that I did nothing wrong.  If I ever have anything to do with these sisters again, it will be kept very superficial, and I will protect myself and my son at all costs.  Just look after you and your family first - mental and emotional issues commonly do extend to the whole family, and I am not saying that I haven't had my issues, but I do believe that I have survived quite well, and unfortunately the most detrimental affects on me have been due to family.  I hope you find that place of peace no matter how you manage your situation, and I will say again, look after YOU.  Hope to hear from you again. 

[CherryBomb]

Hi @sally123 and @Aphrodite,

There's that saying that goes something like this, 'your family are the friends that you don't get to choose, this makes your real friends special because they're the people that you've chosen to have you in your life'.

It's true that sometimes are families are incapable of providing the nuturing that families are suppose to provide. This is where we can be empowered to take matters into our hands, and surround ourselves with the love that we need and deserve. If not from your family members, than from others - your friends - that can. @Aphrodite and @sally123, to me, it seems that you're establishing healthy boundaries with your family members. May I ask what is this like for you? I ask because sometimes people can feel quite conflicted about boundaries because it goes against what we typically think family's should be. 

@Faith-and-Hope pointed out feel free to get your thoughts out on here. It's a great place to vent and get perspective. 

[Aphrodite]

Hi @CherryBomb - How does it feel to set boundaries?  I get the conflict about this, and to be honest I think that going through the conflict about it is just not being ready to put the boundaries in place in that until I felt hurt enough and saw my son being subjected to really unhealthy behaviours, I have had enough - I am in a place where I am motivated by wanting to protect my son and that it is incidents in the last couple of years involving the family that has triggered depressive episodes - it is also true that the grief I have been experiencing in making the decision to not be around is also depressing, but I think that is something I will get used to easier than being around the behaviours I don't want to be around or want my son around. I am going to be reaching out and will be requesting a Mental Health Plan from my GP next week to put some supports in place to help me with the emotional stuff coming up for me. Would be interested to hear what others have to say about the conflict they experience in a similar situation. Thanks CherryBomb

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Aphrodite

I had to pull in-law family members into line, and it was hard at the time, adding incredible strain to marriage, but I could see that without taking that step, my spirit would have been crushed, my children not my own, my children suffering from the dysfunctional power-plays that were standing in for relationships, and likely our marriage would have gone down anyway .... integrity was telling me to step up or step out ....

It didn't solve everything, the family members stayed in my life, but my choices and actions changed the nature of those relationships, and threw the choice back the other way .... they ended up in the position where they were going to lose all of us if the behaviours and attitudes didn't change.

Across time we have found a working dynamic, and an appreciation grew, even if it couldn't be referred to as love exactly ....

Sometimes there is just nothing to lose. In our case, everybody gained .....

The ones you walk away from always have the choice of changing their attitude / approach / behaviour / ideas, and asking to try again .... two way street in that respect, with various levels of interaction possible.

You can remove yourself, but remain as kind and polite in the circumstances as possible. Let your integrity lead you where it needs to go.

All the best ....

🌷 F&H

[Former-Member]

Just have to let you know I understand the pain of a toxic family and the emptiness that brings to life. You really have to build up a "FRIEND FAMILY" Adopt quality mums, dads, sisters, brothers into your world. Your blood family are part of your history, with minor legal & spiritual ties, but that is manageable at a distance.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that people think what they want, about me, if they don't bother to ask & listen & care & stay in touch, then they really don't know you, me anymore, and the person they see & respond to, unfortunately, is not even who you are anymore. They see what they want to see in you. Do they even want to know for real?
" I CAN'T CONVINCE SOMEONE TO 'GET ALONG' WITH ME, WHEN THEY'RE DETERMINED NOT TO"

I use to think it was me, always my fault, something wrong with me (exactly where they wanted me). Now, a little too late in life, I realise its not all me. I have the right to feel good In my own skin and be loved.

Self-Compassion Therapy & exercises (Bk Reality Slap by Russ Harris) helps me fill the hole from being an EMOTIONAL ORPHAN. You have to nurture yourself to the point you don't need them anymore, forgive them & pray for them but protect yourself. Expect nothing.

. Well, its taken me decades and I still miss them terribly, especially since I am unwell alone & ageing. Its hard having to go out all the time if i want to try stop the pain of loneliness. None of my family have visited in 5+yrs I go to them but I'm getting tired now.

Another good book on relationships that helped me was "Boundaries" by Townsand. I've posted some quotes from his book in the thread 'Quotes that Settle My Mind' or you can
google it...

Be kind to yourself.

[Aphrodite]

Thanks @Former-Member and @Faith-and-Hope for taking the time to write your experiences - sometimes I read something that reminds me where I need to be to be able to be present even a little, though the depression I have begun experiencing is keeping me away totally because I don't think I can handle much at the moment that challenges me emotionally.  The other day I phoned my mothers house and my sister who I had a problem with answered the phone, which she normally doesn't, and I said, 'Hi, how are you?' She kept saying hello, as if she couldn't hear anything, but then handed the phone to my mother - so obviously she heard me and just played a game.  I just know that I don't have anything in me to have to try and cope with anything I don't have to.  This weekend, the 3 close friends I have have been around me and I am doing all the right things - I will take a look at the books you have mentioned and the thread 'Quotes that settle my mind'. Cheers. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Aphrodite

Baby steps all the way .....

In the same way we learn to stay within our depth in a swimming pool or the ocean as a young child, we need to learn to stay within our emotional depth when navigating relationships with toxic rellies or associates .... particularly if we can't easily walk away from them.

Glad you've got good friends on hand ..... it's a real asset.

Take courage, and we're here for you too ....

🌷💜