Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Snowdrop]

My son is late 30's and suffers from depression and also severe sleep problems. He lives in another state so our communication is via phone, text and email. He holds a job and works hard although finds the going tough due to his issues. He is single and lonely and his life is full of issues over his lack of sleep, his depression, his loneliness etc. He receives treatment, although I think when he starts to feel better he gets a bit lazy about appointments with his therapist. Even hospital stays at a sleep clinic have not been able to resolve his sleep issues. He does have some good days but they are outweighed by his lack of sleep, lonliness and depression. He is on medication.

I wake and worry about him and then spend the day worrying, when he rings I worry, when he doesn't I worry. He is not speaking to his siblings due to arguments caused by him not believing that they understand him and give him the full understanding etc that he feels he needs from them. I understand him but I understand them, he is short with them, blames everything on everyone else then yells when they don't respond in the way that he thinks they should. He then complains fully to me about how awfull they are (I won't use his words) because they don't care that he is on his own and has problems and they are selfish etc.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I want to say that he can't expect to talk to them that way and they will take it but I can't because he is likely to hang up on me and feel that I also don't care about him. He will also snap at me I know and then blame me also for not caring for him.

The thought of him being so alone, tired, depressed and feeling generally unloved is awfull and I dont know what to do. I want him to be contented - even if he can't be happy. I would like to feel happy and not feel dread at hearing the phone ring.

How do I help him and also myself. I don't have friends I can talk to and my husband does not understand and actually seems to not be interested in even trying to understand. He just says tell him to give his job up and come and live with us and we will look after him. (almost - close in sight then out of mind) But it is his work that keeps my son going. Living with elderly parents in a place he doesn't like is not the answer.

Sorry it's so long. But any suggestions would be welcome. Even comments from people who have been in a similar situation and have learned some coping processes would be so good.

Thank you

[Amelia]

as the mother of a child with a mental illness it is a challenging place to find yourself. I also suffer from bipolar myself which gives me understanding & turmoil because I know what she is going through and that hurts. My children have difficulties relating because the other two don't understand but anything spoken between them can be seen as an attack by my unwell daughter, mainly because she is super sensitive due to her mental state which varies at any given time. So do take that into account when problems arise and speak positively to your son. Another help has been to not discuss in depth what it's happening with my daughter with her siblings and just deal with her issues so she doesn't feel threatened by being discussed.   When my daughter is in a dangerous place with mood/depression I find it very challenging not to worry but as she has a health professional she's in contact with, and I trust him , it elevates some concern. Of course we always have a mothers heart .

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Snowdrop

Firstly I think your husband's option is probably the worst to follow unless it comes to that by the life choices of your son.  You are right; his work give him many things not just money and distraction from his worries.  In my current carers group I have heard a few stories which have resulted in adults with mh issues returning home .. it has not been easier .. and as you are the sensitive one and the mother .. the main burden would fall to you.

There is a concept in family therapy that says that the "patient" or symptomatic person is embodying an issue that the family have not looked at properly.  As in the other family members have extruded that aspect from their psyches and so one person carries it. 

Competitiveness between sibs can get out of hand .. and maybe your husband doesnt realise the potential of its destructiveness in close relationships.

I think you are probably doing the best thing .. but need to develop some other creative activity that will help you distract from your anxiety about your son's welfare.

I have a similar issue with my adult children .. and to be honest I am disappointed in the "successful" ones lack of concern and selfishness ... but that is me. I am on alert when there is too big a power or economic gap between people.  For a group to be harmonious we do need to think beyond our selves .. even beyond our own offspring ... or over indulgence occurs ..

the break down of extended families into nuclear ones ..

may not have been the best development in our society.

[suzanne]

Hello @Snowdrop, welcome to the Forums.  You so clearly care deeply for your son.  He's lucky to have you still listening and wanting to help.  I often think that being a parent is like wearing your heart outside of your body where it can get so easily bruised.  But we need to learn to live with our worries.  @Amelia and @Appleblossom have given you some good suggestions about trusting his treatment team and having sufficient distractions in your own life.  

It must be hard for you to have to listen to your son criticism his siblings.  The outlet is no doubt useful for him but it comes at a price for you.  Do you think he's able to understand that?  And to agree to email these parts of the conversations rather than unload them directly on you?  That way he still has an outlet but it's not aimed quite so directly at you.

I wonder if you would feel able to tap into the carer networks?  Each state has its own carer support organisations - often a general one plus one specifically relating to mental illness.  One of our SANE speakers, Jo, is the mother of an adult son who has a mental illness.  Even though he doesn't live with her presently she's been active in receiving carer support.  Those organisations can provide counselling, education and peer support.  A chance to talk with people who also live with your concerns.  If you're unsure of where to go, you can give the SANE Help Centre a call between 9am and 5pm AEST and we can provide you with the contact details.  Hopefully this can help you feel less alone in this situation.