Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Mumof4kids]

Tonight I received a phone call from a complete stranger my mum was found in a disorientated state wandering into on coming traffic nearly got hit my a car. I don't live in the same state as my mum and with no family to contact to help her once again I called the police and ambulance to help her. It with tear in my eye I heard " what you just going to lock me up again" when does that get easier this will be the 4th time in just as many years . I find it so hard to cope with the guilt. I tried to support her through the second episode by staying at her house and try to ride it out but she wouldn't even see a doctor. How do you cope?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mumof4kids, 

I'm one of the moderators on the Forums, welcome to SANE. It's lovely to *meet* you.  I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through with your mum. It must have been devastating hearing about how distressed she was, and being powerless to help. I think it's really important to recognise that even though it probably didn't feel like it, you did the best thing you could have by contacting emergency services to support her.

Can I ask, when you say a disoriented state is it the result of substance use/age-related/psychosis/something else? 

It sounds like you've tried really hard to support her in all the ways you could - being with her and supporting her at home (even though she wasn't really open to the support) and by trying to aid her from a distance. There is only so much you can do before the person helps themselves I suppose  You just have to be strong in the knowledge that you've done everything in your power for right now- so you have nothing to feel guilty about. I understand that can be easier said than done though!

I hope you can get the support you are looking for on the Forums. There are quite a number of people on here who are the loved ones and/or carers of people who are suffering from mental illness. It's a really tough job. I'm glad you've come online to share your story  If you have any questions, please let us know.

[pip]

@Mumof4kids. I sort of wonder, as does concealed cows, with your mum are you talking dementia/Alzheimers/drink problems? If it is dementia/alzheimers, you may have to have her assessed by your Dr. If it's drink 'blackouts' and you suspect alcohol related problems, until she's ready to admit to having alcohol problems, you are in a catch 22 situation. Your mum is obviously scared and needs help and understanding. You said you live interstate and there's no other family to offer assistance. Do you have her Dr's contact details? I suggest you contact her Dr and ask him what he suggest to help her. If your mum continues her wandering, she may get hurt and you don't want this. If she is in the early stages of dementia, her Dr can determine this and getting her into a safe place is paramount. I do feel for you, it must be pretty hard for you being interstate, not knowing when you're going to hear she's been hurt. If she has a drink problem, she may get aggro at any suggestion of such. People who abuse alcohol really have to face it before they will accept help. They usually make excuses for the abuse and rarely readily admit it. May I ask your mums age? Hoping you can get some help for your mum.

[Mumof4kids]

Hi thank you both for your kind words and suggestions. My mum has depression and history of marijuana use. Last time she was admitted it was a combination of drug use and the fact she abruptly stopped taking her long term medication . Sadly she lacks insight it to her own illness she become paranoid and delusional , this prevent us from getting her to seek help. I know there is nothing that I can do but it is just so hard knowing how confused and scared she must be feeling. I manage to get my Aunty to take the 3 hr trip to go and check on her so hopefully she will be able to find her. My mum was reported missing 5 days ago by her neighbour so hopefully she has returned home to rest. According to the nurse in ed they gave her an injection and oral medication to calm down and the let her go 😔 It's so hard to get real help for people with mental illness they wait for the unthinkable to occur first.

[pip]

@Mumof4kids. It might pay for you to contact her Dr and let him know what's happening with your mum. With her history, the Dr should be in a position to get her admitted for her own safety. It sounds as though it's going to be ongoing, therefore she needs to be safe and monitored regularly. Talk to your aunt and the Dr, tell them you're worried and see what can be done. I would hate to think of your mum wandering and going missing.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mumof4kids, 

I'm sorry for the delay in replying, I've been offline for a few days.

As if things weren't stressful enough! Missing now for 5 days? It sounds like despite all warnings and offers of support your mum is really intent on doing whatever it is that she deems fit. Which is so difficult for her loved ones to go through. 

It's really important to make sure you are taking care of yourself in this time of extreme stress and worry... What kind of supports have you got around you @Mumof4kids? You have so much on your plate right now. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. 

I completely concur with what @pip suggests. It sounds like it's important now more than ever to get her linked in with a case manager/social worker/advocate/doctor who can manage her best interests- like keeping her on her meds, managing her depression and substance use? Have you considered looking into power of attorney with her at all? Having said that, if the main concern is her going missing and running away all the time I'm not sure that the legal side will help 😞

I wish there was more that we could do @Mumof4kids, I hope the moral support is enough for now. We'll be thinking of you, hoping your mum returns safe and sound.

[pip]

@Mumof4kids. After reading concealedcows answer re: POA. Have a talk with your aunt, see how she feels about being POA for your mum. You could also discuss this with her Dr. Being a POA means you have certain rights as far as having her placed somewhere where she would be looked after. She also has the right of refusal, if she doesn't wish to be placed. My ex MIL has just been placed into a rest home (she has dementia). Her hubby was able to sign consent, she was told she was being placed into a 'high-care' facility. Her Dr also had to sign as she was considered not to fully comprehend. POA, won't give you complete rights, only if she is unable to decide certain things. Have a look into POA and see exactly what rights you would have.

[Janna]

I'm tagging on a little late to this thread but wanted to give you some words of encouragement and advice. Crises come and go. Where your Mum is right now (or was just recently) will not last and will pass, just like other critical episodes that you've encountered with her. However, given her past the likelihood of this happening again is very real and likely. Her well-being and welfare is really important, and with the history and story about the events that you've posted, I believe that they would be sufficient to warrant an intervention, with a view to getting an involuntary admission to hospital. This may sound extreme, but when personal safety is compromised, and if the person is unwilling to get help, it is the best way to ensure that your Mum remains safe and receives the diagnosis/treatment she deserves and needs. You may just need to take the bull by its horns and do this despite all the kicking and screaming that will happen as a result of this. Once stablised in the facility, you and her, together with support services (such as a social worker) can work on establishing a safe and secure means of living for her. She may not want this right now, but IMO there comes a point in time when you have to draw the line in the sand and just do what you have to do. She sounds unsafe and concerning.  Call the local Community Mental Health Team in her area and discuss this with them.  If you can validate your concerns, together with Police and Ambulance records if need be, I don't see this as being too hard to activate.  Please call the Mental Health Access Line in your state for more information.  You Mum needs help and you need support.  It's great that you've come online to share this and I hope that "we" can help.  Please take this seriously and don't let this episode disappear into history until another presents itself.  Try to be proactive.  At the very least please discuss this with a professional and take care of yourself.  This is a very stressful situation to be in.  Although she may not like being "locked" up again her safety really is the number 1 priority.  I also wondered whether she has been assessed for dementia etc.

Janna ❤️

[Mumof4kids]

Thank all for your advice. After presenting to ed under police escort on 3 occasions she has finally been admitted as an involuntary patient. I have no doubt we have a long road ahead but thankfully she is in the right place to move forward.

[pip]

@Mumof4kids. I think you will find you will start feeling easier now your mum is being cared for. She may 'kick up' a bit to start with, but as she starts settling down and getting the help she needs, she will probably start responding positively. I'm sorry it came to this, but on the other hand it's good to know she is safe. That is paramount both for your health and hers.