Is my psychologist right?...

[MJG017]

Thanks again @Owlunar2.  I've looked for support group before but the only ones I found were all interstate.  I'm in SA.  I did look up the Australian Adult Adoptees Support you suggested and only found a Facebook group.  So i've requested to join and I'll check it out.  I thought I could ask at my PASS appointment this week if they have any group meets.  If not, I've started a cancer group this year, maybe I could start another one for adoptees.

I'm so sorry to hear about your son.  As you said, he's found his peace that he couldn't in life.  I hope it doesn't bring up too much talking about this.

I think my main problem with my own cancer issues is that of acceptance.  I accepted it when I was told I have cancer and need surgery.  I accepted it when I was told the surgery failed to get it all meaning a cure was now out of the question.  Six weeks after surgery I was starting hormone therapy and 2 months of radiation... I accepted that.  I had accepted the situation when my first blood result after radiation was not zero , but very close.  I felt optimistic.  Then in December last year I had my 2nd test result, showing I had developed resistance to the hormone therapy almost straight away... I'm just having a lot of difficulty accepting this one!  It's like it broke me.  I don't know how to accept it anymore.  If feel like "why accept it, when the next bad thing may be just around the corner?".

But I am trying to.  And trying to work on my lifelong issues with adoption as well.  It's not easy by any means, but I am trying.  Talking about it helps a lot and I've never had the opportunity to talk to it with many people who have experience with the difficulties adoption can bring.

The past year or so, I've also tried to stop pleasing people and focus more on myself.  I knew I was struggling and I just didn't have the capacity to help myself while trying to please other people just so the liked me.  If people didn't like me, then fine... I tried so it's not on me anymore.  For most of my life my actions were always based on what people thought of me.  I tried everything to please people because of this.  It just took me far too long to realise if I needed to do that to make them like me, then they didn't really like me that much.  They certainly weren't going to support me when I needed them.

Take care @Owlunar2.  I'll let you know how it goes with the PASS appointment on Wednesday.

[MJG017]

Thanks @tyme.  The only free psych session I've had are the ones at the hospital and I got exactly what I paid for I guess.  Even my 10 MHCP visits were a gap of $50 each.  Well the first 6 were $32, but they put the price up for my last few.  The only free support since have been the support groups.  The only multidisciplinary I've been told about is my GP, oncologist and previously my urologist who occasionally communicate about me.  So I've been told, I have no idea what happens or what they talk about. 

I did work for a Neighbourhood centre for about 18 years, and got 'loaned' out to quite a few of the other local ones who were having IT issues.  They did have lots of groups, but they were mainly craft and social groups, and mainly retire people.  There was certainly nothing fancy like a gym or pool.  Plus, most of the groups weren't free... there was usually at lease a small donation to pay for the room hire costs.  Maybe it's just different here in Adelaide, I don't know what larger states have available... it sounds like a lot more than here.  My partner has 'encouraged' me to join a local board game group.  I still feel uncomfortable going but I do and I generally enjoy myself.  Well, I enjoy winning anyway! 😁 

Maybe I should take a look and see what's on offer at the centres these days.  It can't hurt to look.

[tyme]

For me, I go through my local council. Through them, I then attend different groups, and further from that, I attend other groups... @MJG017 

Another place that may have services was universities. Sometimes, the uni students in training run MH groups. I've done some on mindfulness, CBT and sleep program. They weren't FANTASTIC, but it was something I could learn bits and pieces here and there.

Also, are there agencies or people who can help you get subsidised or free admission for the Peer Work course? e.g. Centrelink affiliates? I'm not on Centrelink, so I don't know. But a lot of the courses can be subsidised depending on your income.

[MJG017]

@tyme I used to have access to subsided study when I was on job seeker, but i'm not sure now that i'm on a DSP.  Even then, they would only help with Cert 3 and under courses.  Although my friend who is doing the Cert IV Mental health, I'm sure he said his job provider was paying for it.  I meant to ask him, but the last two groups we go to, he's been sick or away so I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it yet.

I was hoping the woman form MHCSA I emailed, would have some info for me by now to follow up on, but still no word, so I may need to do some more investigating.

[Owlunar2]

Hi @MJG017 

Hi again - it's Monday we have new episodes of Home and Away - Melbourne weather and I need a new washing machine - and life goes on - it's never dull - that's for sure.

That Facebook account was the group I found but I couldn't post the link - I will be interested in hearing how it goes - getting into your past about your feelings about adoption will not be easy but worthwhile - and give yourself time - we all need that.

I learned that there are times when no one in the adoption triangle is comfortable - the adoptee needs parents and everyone has the right to be displeased, the birthmother may not have wanted to relinquish the child - and the adoptive parents pick up the slack. But hey - had I not adopted my son I would not be here today communicating with you - and - you are so honest and open and about the same age as my son would be now. This - to me - is a good thing.

There are things about my son's life I don't share - there are the wonderful things this intelligent and challenged child said and did that I love talking about. His death is a reality - and I can talk about that - actually it's totally okay.

I hear what you are saying about your cancer. The treatments are not going well - and you are now waiting for what's next around the corner. I get it - that is not a fun way to live - it's realistic though.

Chronic pain is similar - I have had two failed surgeries and all sorts of medication and other interventions - now I say enough experimenting - give me the medication I am currently okay with and that's my choice. Actually - the first contraindication is patient refusal - this is the way I am going. I've had the pain for a long time - my shoulder was permanently damaged in a traffic incident a long time ago and at the ripe old age of 81 - that's it. So - that's time again. Always time it seems - it's never easy.

Choice is the word - we need to look at our choices - with cancer I really don't know enough - I do read more than I write in this forum - so I do know people battle with choices and time and other people - so yeah - it ain't easy being green either.

Go for any groups or professionals you can afford. Try them and see if they work - your openness and honesty in this forum is a plus - keep it up - it's a valuable trait.

Pleasing people - I guess we all try that - and until we are compromised in anyway it's okay to make friends - if it becomes toxic - it's time to get out. And what other people think of us is none of our business - just as what we think of them is none of their business. I learned a lot when I used to watch Dr Phil. Now I don't - watch Dr Phil

I will be looking forward to hear how things go with PASS - I don't answer your post as soon as I read it - I think it through - and I find this worthwhile - and I still wish you all the best

Owlunar

[MJG017]

Hi @Owlunar2 It's been a bust few days and tomorrow is going to be another one so i;m trying to catch up on some stuff now while I can.  I had a quick look through some posts on that adoption facebook group.  Maybe it's just a very narrow slice by looking at the most recent posts but there does seem to be a bit a anger towards being forcibly adopted.  That's not really my situation, but I do plan to make a post and see how it goes and try to find out more about that group.

I did remind me of an international forum I found when I first got my adoption records. I joined there and found it helpful for a while.  But I found reading people telling about how close they had come to be with a newly found biological parent/sibling to be just too hard to read about.  I found a post on this facebook group of a woman sharing a photo of here and a half sister and how they had become very close.  It brought back all those memories from that forum a few years ago and I had to stop looking through the facebook page.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to hear stories like that.  It got like that 3 years ago, so i'm not sure if i'm ready yet.  No one is happier for them than I am, but from a personal point of view I just find it too upsetting still.

Choices and time seem so interrelated.  Choices on reflection seem good or bad after time has passed.  Choices change over time.  Like with medical treatments.  Over time, they can start to become too much and our choices change.  Not because we see things differently now, but we had to deal with effects of those treatment over time and it can become too much.

Thanks again for your reply.  I really appreciate reading your perspective and support.  I'm still looking forward to my PASS appointment tomorrow and i'm sure it will give me a lot to think about.

[Owlunar2]

Hi @MJG017 

I will be thinking of you tomorrow as you have your interview with PASS - I have no doubt this will be challenging for you - you must have questions and maybe you are not sure if you want the answers. 

I guess you can ask the questions though - letting the people know you are not sure about the answers - it's something to think about - how far do you want to go? Personally - I have the need to know everything about what I am researching - other people want to be more selective - and it's a process - these things are always a process.

If you feel your adoption wasn't forced - or you know it wasn't - that's a good thing. My son's adoption was forced but I hadn't heard the term until I read your email - then I had to look it up on the internet of course - adoptive parents are left out on that website. This is okay for me - I already knew it. This was a new learning experience for me though - reading all that.

I did have a brief interaction with my son's birth mother through the Adoption Information Services which was satisfactory - I never went further though - so I guess this would be true - we only go as far as we feel okay about delicate situations

It's understandable that you are unsure about reading happy reconciliation stories. Do you really want that or not? That is the question - I don't need to know the answer - maybe you don't know it yourself at this stage. But you are searching for something - so asking questions is okay. Take your time - keep yourself feeling easy about it.

About these decisions and your medical decisions - I will quote you a line of poetry I love - from T S Eliot

In a minute there is time for decisions and revisions that a minute will reverse

There is always time to change your mind - but I wish you the best as you go forward - and success too

All the best

Owlunar

[MJG017]

Thanks @Owlunar2 

I think i'm ready to ask anything and everything.  I really just want to find out as much about why I am the way I am, and why I've struggled so much to make connections with anyone in my life.   I really did struggle so badly with this for so long.  It was only about 14 years ago that I started to try to change things.  It always just seemed pointless even trying before that.  Looking back I think I was in a far worse mental place that I ever thought at the time.  I always just thought I was a bit shy and lonely and, when alone, a bit sad. 

But now, I think it was a lot more serious and I just lived with it like that until I started to see real problems as turning 40 rapidly approached.  I guess those are some of the things i'm looking for answers for and what I can do to continue to improve.  I just don't know how easy it will be to talk about that.  It's all that really deep, deep personal stuff that you keep buried in the darkest recesses of your mind and never talk about.  The thought of losing control emotionally worries me.  I've talked to people before... mentioning little bits about this, and I could feel myself starting to lose control then.  Maybe its a guy thing?  I know I have to open a few doors in my head that have never been opened before and that's scary.

That's a very good question about my adoption being forced or not.  I hadn't thought about that until I read it in your reply.  I know mum was unmarried at the time of our births.  It got me thinking about what my bio sister told me about mum.  I think she did want to keep me, but a lot of pressure was put on her to give me up.  I remember my sister telling me stories about herself as a baby being hidden in a drawer when people came around.  Mum was so scared of losing her because someone would take her away.  I came along 18 months later and I guess she couldn't hide it this time... the people around her had learnt from my sister. 

I'd never thought about it like that until now.  It makes me feel even closer to mum I think.. and even sadder for not getting to know her earlier.  It's like we were both equally wronged.  I am so happy though that I did get the chance to speak to her and that she knew I held no hard feelings toward her at all and was just happy to finally meet her.  But yes, I guess I was a forced adoption as well, if my assumption about it's meaning is correct.  Maybe I should pay a little more attention to that facebook group. Almost 54 years in and I'm still learning so much about this.  I'm sort of glad that I didn't really know of this forced adoption before.  Had I known that growing up, I think it would have been so much worse mentally.  But maybe it would have been better... the fear of risking being rejected by my mother again by finding her would be greatly reduced and without that fear I would have tried to find her much, much earlier.  Wow... it's a lot to think about.  I'd probably sit here all night writing thoughts about it as they swirl through my head, so i'll stop now.

I was happy to read stories about people having very successful reunions, it was emotional, but in a happy way and it gave me hope that it was a possibility.  But as time went on and I started to have doubts about my own biological family, it got harder and harder to read about.  First it was my biological brother who stopped replying to calls and messages after we met in person for the first time.  My two sisters told me he had always been like that, even with them so I begrudgingly accepted it. 

Then after mum died, my sister stopped contacting me.  My other sister (the eldest out of all of us and also adopted out) I still hear from every now and then.  She's commented on my recent facebook posts about the media stuff I've been doing in relation to the fundraiser and even donated to it.   I think it's just that i've formed the exact same relationship with them that I have with all my other family... even my partner's family.  One where we all get on, when we do meet up, we sit together and we will talk and have fun, but if I don't keep contacting them, I never hear from them.  I'm never invited to anything and I certainly don't calls asking about how i'm going with my health.  So I can only do that for so long before I just get the feeling I'm the only one trying, and eventually give up.

I guess I will have more of an idea tomorrow about 11am when my appointment is over.  That TS Eliot line does remind me of me a lot though.  I may be reading it out of context, but to me it reminds me of all the times in my life I made a decision to change something about myself, or do something I wouldn't normally do only to change my mind... always due to lack of confidence/self esteem...  and end up never changing anything.  If there was ever anything that summed up my first 40 years, it is that.

Thanks once again @Owlunar2.  I feel like you have me about as prepared for tomorrow as I'm ever going to be.

[Owlunar2]

All the best for tomorrow @MJG017 

Owlunar

[MJG017]

@Owlunar2  I just back home from my appointment and it went really well.  We talked about forced adoption and she is sending me information on all the latest information surround that closed adoption period of the 40s to 80s.  It sounds like it was much worse that I thought with so much pressure put on women (especially those that were unmarried like mine) to pressure and force them to give up their babies.  The federal government apparently apologised for it a few years back and some state governments have introduced, or are looking to) redress schemes for mother and adoptees.  It as quite shocking and it will be interesting to read mor when she sends me that info.

They also have a couple of support groups for adoptees which was great news.  Unfortunately the night one is every first thursday of the month which conflicts with my mens group but they also have a day group which I can attend, so she sending me the info on that as well.  We also talked about a few other things with peer support which was great and I came out feeling like I, and my mother, are more victims that anything that was ever wrong with me.  Which is a big change in my outlook and I think will really help me going forward.  After so long, i'm still getting used to it all.  I'm still getting used to the whole idea that my mother very likely never wanted to give me up in the first place.  An idea that only entered my thoughts last night after reading your post.  So I have a lot to think about and process and a lot to go forward with.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and your support.  I hope your day has been as good as mine.  Take care Owlunar2.