Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JustWhelmed]

TW: mention of self harm, un-aliving oneself, violence.

Well. Hard to know where to begin. I married an amazing person 4 years ago; we both had 2 kids each from previous relationships, and are now settled in our dream home with our kiddos, too many pets and an ongoing renovation…. ☹

It is a LONG story, I will keep it as brief as I can, but…. It’s a lot.

My partner is Autistic (unofficially dx by his psychiatrist), very likely has ADHD (awaiting assessment!) and CPTSD due to an appalling upbringing and an abusive and neglectful ex (mother to his 2 kids). My husband is incredibly intelligent, as in quantum physics is easy to him intelligent.

He’s medicated for anxiety and to help with sleep, but doesn’t like what it does to his ability to think, and it can make him a bit less focussed. Things can be ok for short periods of time; he does struggle with life admin and just knowing when to do normal life stuff like chores, hygiene (not his so much as his kids), is a struggle..... and while I HATE that I need to tell them how to exist….. I also understand that these things can be tricky for neurodivergent folk (I have ADHD myself). So I have to organise and push him to do that, every day.

When something triggers him though….. he ceases to function. No chores. Can’t stick to the kids boundaries/rules. Devastated by his own mistakes, absolute inability to make decisions or consider options without losing it. Invasive thoughts of self harm/suicide. Sits and stares at his phone for days. Oblivious to everything and everyone. It recently came to light he was TOTALLY UNAWARE of some of my own (I have many) health issues... like.... WTAF. I did not realise he was THAT absent.

For seemingly minor life events (his ex being a jerk, minor incidents, disagreements with service providers) most folk would just move along with life. But he hyper fixates and spirals out of control.

And I get it. Like this is NOT his fault, he is NOT useless.

But it means I have to carry all 6 of us; try to give all the kids some connection/time, keep on top of the FREAKING ENDLESS LAUNDRY AND DISHES, make sure my step sons shower and brush their teeth (they don’t at their mums which is disgusting), cook every meal, make sure his boys actually eat something other than sugar, tidy everything or chase the others to do it, organise everything, pay everything, make sure everyone has clothes and undies that fit them (for both houses for my step sons).

It means I can’t try to sort our house/lives because he will get triggered; we are currently using 3 recliners for 6 of us in our living room…. It is stupid and easily remedied with a sofa from marketplace. But that would require moving the caravan to get the trailer that’s full of junk because he can’t take it to the dump because every week there is drama (I can’t drive with the trailer, I should learn!). I can’t book our car in to be repaired because the super minor accident he was in triggered him and he will get upset/suicidal we have a $600 excess….. Like…. What do I even do?

It is obviously awful for him; I don’t want to criticise him endlessly, but I also just can’t do it all. Last week I kinda lost it when he suggested getting a giant pool for the kids (because I know it will be ME who has to maintain it, and we are still living in chaos from the last cool project) and that tipped him over the edge into wanting to hurt himself.

I do all the usual things of time to myself (I have an amazing giant garden that is an absolute haven), but taking time out to see friends or whatever means the thread we are hanging by will likely snap; stuff won’t get done. Which makes me feel worse. I burn out every few month because I am juggling so much. Tonight I just want to go home, have a glass of wine in my garden and relax. But he won’t drive the kids to skating so I’ll have to do that instead I guess.

I just have no idea what to do. I can’t put things off forever. I can’t do everything. I’ve reduced my hours to try to keep on top of the family workload, and can’t increase them without finding another job. I don’t want to leave him, but I worry this will legitimately result in me having a stroke (I have high blood pressure PURELY because of life with him). And I think it would result in him hurting himself.

Sigh.

[tyme]

Hey @JustWhelmed ,

I'm hearing you.

I witness this EVERY DAY of my life. 

My sister, who is highly capable and independent, runs the house while her husband, who have his own mental health issues and is on medication, can't do anything without being told. It's not because he's a bad or dull guy, but the trauma he suffered as a child caused him to delve into drugs and then the mental health issues began - paranoia, hallucinations etc. He's clean now, but the effects of drugs can be seen all the time.

He needs to be told to move a plate. He needs to be told to put the shopping away. If you tell him to put the shopping on the bench, he'll dump all the bags of shopping on the bench without taking them out of the bags.... I see my sister EXHAUSTED. She sometimes gets so tired of everything and just yells, "Why do I have to do everything?"

They have three young kids aged 2,5,7. 

Yet above all, my brother in law loves his wife dearly and vice versa. My sister went into the marriage knowing he has mental health issues and is willing to work with it. Is it easy? No. Does she feel exhausted? Yes. 

But she chose him and he chose her. By looking at the strengths of both parties, that is what keeps them going.

Will he ever change? No.

Will my sister have to tell him to do things all the time? Yes.

It is what it is.

But I hear you @JustWhelmed - it's exhausting....

[tyme]

Hi @JustWhelmed ,

How are you going? I just wanted to check-in with you.

[JustWhelmed]

Hi Tyme

Thanks for checking in! You know the drill... Same s--t different day. My partner is doing ok right now which absolutely makes my life a lot simpler, although forever chaotic still. I wish I knew how to maintain a good streak for them.

[tyme]

Hey @JustWhelmed ,

I hear you. It sounds difficult as you never know when the 'weather will change'. 

I hope he will be able to reach out for support for both his family's sake and his children.

It's also good to remember that there ARE days where he is okay and things are simpler. It sounds like part of what's happening is his condition is speaking, rather than his real self? What do you think. Sorry if I've confused you.