Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[pip]

@NSCC. Never, ever feel guilty for reaching out for help. I have seen nothing to indicate you bad-mouthing your wife, in any way. All I have read from your post is someone who loves his wife and is trying to help her. I think your wife would possibly feel betrayed if she knew you were writing here. The feeling of betrayal is partly due to her being betrayed by her father, someone every one should feel safe with. The only time you have 'bad-mouthed' anyone was when you mentioned her uncle and how you'd like to punish him for hurting her. That's a natural reaction when someone we love is hurt by someone. I think your wife could be scared to be left alone at times, which is why she becomes so demanding, other times, she needs her 'own' space to see if she can live with herself. Her mood swings are possibly because of the self loathing she may feel because of the abuse. As I explained before, when we are abused, often the victim will self-blame because we are told it's our fault the abuse happened. It's vicious cycle and one that's hard to penetrate because whoever tries to counsel her, has to first win her trust. That can take time as she only trusts you. A councillor (preferably female) would be better for her because a strange man will cause her to shut down. The 'little girl' you mentioned 'comes out' to protect her from the adult world that scares her. Try to keep reminding yourself that to her, her behaviour is 'normal' 24/7. I realize you are battling an uphill treadmill, trying to hang onto your job, keep your wife calm and take care of everyday issues. Once you can get her to see a female councillor, if you need emotional support, don't feel as though you've failed, you haven't, neither has she. If you can get the councillor to visit her at home, this would be preferable, till your wife trusts her. Talk to the councillor alone if possible first to explain how your wife 'closes' down into the little girl. when she becomes the little girl, that is a form of closing down, rather than facing something so unpleasant. You sound an extremely kind, loving husband. I wish you every success in helping her. .

[NotSoCrayCray]

OK cool thanks, that makes me feel a bit better. 🙂

She does indeed have a female therapist who she likes and is comfortable with. Ive met her and had a chat to her and given her some insite to her behaviour. I have mentioned how she becomes like a child at times. Actually theres a few things that sets it off something chronic. When shes hungry or tired, she acts exactly like a cranky 3 year old.

Thanks again. Im doing my best. I thought coming here might make me feel a bit better, and it has in a way, but at the same time, I feel like a bit of a cry baby now. If i had enough time to myself, i probably would have a good cry about it all.

Thanks again.

NSCC

[pip]

@NSCC. I'm not surprised you feel like crying. When your wife goes into her 'act', you've lost her as a wife, so grief sets in. there's nothing wrong with crying, it's part and parcel of grief/anger. You've been taking care of her for so long, you're emotionally worn out. Some of the anger she displays as the 3 year old could be because she wasn't allowed to express anger or fear when she was a child, now she's not in the same environment as she was, the temper tantrum surfaces. Children push the boundaries till the adult/parent disciplines them. Your wife is doing much the same thing. The child in her is pushing buttons to see how 'dad' in this case you, reacts. You don't quite know how to react, do you a ( Walk away, b( Punish her, c( Sexually abuse her, She has been a victim all her life so, to her, this could be normal behaviour. It's possible that, to her, the sexual abuse meant she was being 'noticed'. Maybe it was a form of punishment. These are areas her councillor will help her work through and recognize. A lot of the above statements I've made are purely guesswork, Except the victim self-blame part. Because I was a victim (I say WAS because I put my demons to death). But because victims are blamed by the abusers, they tend to believe everything that they are told. If you can cry to release tension, go for it, you're human, you have feelings and emotions and need to get those feelings out so you can carry on.