Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[maddison]

Hi @tyme , I am over here.

I didn't want to discuss on Apple's lovely page. Thanks for offering support. I'm sure it seems to be a night time thing. Usually it's lonliness, depression. Tonight, the anxiety is starting. I prefer that.

I had a good productive day. Went shopping. Texted a friend. 

I had an IVO taken out on housemate. I didn't specifically, I requested & police put in. You can delete if I'm not allowed to write that. This all happened in last 2 days. It's a good thing for me 

Are you ok?

[tyme]

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened @maddison . From what I know, you have invested a lot of time in helping your flatmate.

Do you feel safe?

I here with you.

PS, I am very well - thank you for asking.

[maddison]

Yes @tyme it has been 19 years we have known each other. I realised I have been living here maybe 12 years. I had a big cry last night. It's sad to lose the good times we had together.

I feel lots safer. I don't feel safe. I don't know if I 'll be happier on my own. I hope so. I have to go through all my junk & work out what I want to keep. I have good idea. The animals are maybe try to biggest stress. They won't like moving to a new house, & they have so many accessories it's difficult to get my head around. I think I'm doing good with organising. I'm kind of amazed at myself.

I'm glad you're well. You sound good.

[tyme]

@maddison - Hugs to you.

I'm so sorry it has come to this.

I'm ready to walk with you through this transition.

I'm sure you have many things you can be amazed about. You have achieved so much and overcome so many hurdles.

[maddison]

Thanks @tyme I love your support. I need a friend to walk alongside me. 

[maddison]

I am ready too 

[maddison]

@tonys I deserve and need clarity from you 

[Shaz51]

Ohh hugs my @maddison , sitting with you my friend xxx ❤

[maddison]

@tonys Verbosity Incoming ⬇️

I saw my case worker this morning. I think she might be a person I have most respect & awe for my entire life. She told me today that she, or her organisation only work with females. It was in regards to the IVO. She had been notified, & she explained to me that it was protocol that my living person would be contacted to access 'anger type counselling' for men.

I already have her, but if I didn't - then I would have been contacted by an agency for domestic violence counselling. I didn't know, or expect follow up. It's impressive.

The living person has not been contacted as far as I'm aware. I hope he gets help for himself.

Now I have this tightness in my chest, it's been there all day - before the appointment. I woke up relaxed & happy. Big good mornings to my babies 😻

I walked into the kitchen to make my tea. Kitchen was occupied. I said how long are you going to be? He said, I'm nearly done. I got instantly annoyed, & walked back into my room. I don't know what nearly done means. 10mins? 2 mins? I get annoyed that he is always in my way - in my space. 

Took my meds, tea, vape, yoghurt, cats out, cats in, breakfast, got dressed, makeup, you know all that. I listened to Eminem The Marshall Mathers LP in the car. Funny.

My case worker & new psychologist chat to each other about me - I gave my permission. My last psych appt. was confusing & shit. 

My case worker kept wanting to talk about it. 

I was getting that trapped feeling inside.

I liked her response lots better than psych. 

Now, all day I'm having this feeling on my chest.

It's the second day I've ever noticed it.

It happened on Monday.

It's repression. 

I think it's good, amazing I finally know what it is. It's not.....

(PAUSE 3PM I LOVE YOU 1 MINUTE IN THE MIRROR)

yeh, it's not getting my emotions out. I didn't have this before. I was repressing repression. 

It's good. I must have changed, grown. I'm understanding now that I'm repressed - I'm repressing myself. 

I have to work out how to express & not worry. Dancing, art, ...I have strategies. 

I need to express myself to people better.

If I feel trapped. I think I need to express & if other person still makes me feel trapped - I need to EXIT.

Movement.

☮️

[maddison]

@tonys are you reading these? I think you are. Are you feeling any better? Get well soon.

I think I'm realising what it is.

You said once - do we leave a place or are we inextricably pulled to the next. Yeh? And I said inextricably.

Right now I'm both. God I want to leave this place. I don't think I need to explain to you how much I want to get out.

That is the dominant factor.

I'm not being pulled inextricably. 

I'm thinking there is part of me that has not fully let go. I don't know why I'm keeping myself trapped here.

I think it's likely fear. Like what if behind the door there is nothing?...or another door...?

I get mentally, what I have to do.

So many years, lifetimes, expecting disappointment. It's like I am comfortable & safe here.

That's what is keeping me. Institutionalised.

I don't know what I can do to break out of this mindset. I want to be free... I'm not sure I know how to believe..I do believe.

I need a miracle.

Everyone keeps saying to me, these things take time...& baby steps... It drives me crazy. 

Why can't I see?

Thanks for reading. I really hope you're recovering from lung illness. I hope the animals are keeping you company & healing. I like all the animals.❤️