Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[creative_writer]

@PeppyPatti boundaries are so important. I grew up with a lot of enmeshment, I had to learn to develop boundaries and I’m still learning

[PeppyPatti]

I realised after reading these answers was that I needed to acknowledge my beginning to enmesh with my ex husband. 

I needed to be stronger. 

I'm still learning too. 

 

[PinkFlamingo]

Hey there @PeppyPatti 🌺💜

Sorry for the delay - sounds like dating scam profiles on the web site to me. 
these can be reported to the dating website administrator, or to the police if money has been coerced out of someone (it’s considered a cybercrime). 
I hope otherwise Mr Buddha can get some help around recognising scams while still enjoying what he wants to do. This I’m guessing could be done by his support coordinator by accessing support workers specialised in awareness of these things 🙂🌺

like social workers, financial advisors and occupational therapists. 

I hope it’s getting better 🙂💜🌺

[PeppyPatti]

Unbelievable @PinkFlamingo 

I was not caring for me I need to put more boundaries in. 

But if he continues, I'll need to contact his NDIS support coordinator ....

[PinkFlamingo]

Yes very important there @PeppyPatti to look after yourself - its hard when we are helping others that we care about, not to get overly invested, however knowing there is a place for care but how best to do it is the hardest bit. 

Take care of yourself, and I think discussing it with someone else who is in a trusting position and ask them to get supports in place might be helpful indeed 🙂

[PizzaMondo]

Hi @PeppyPatti 🙂

I love that you were able to share with your partner that that you both need to care about yourselves first - I think that's incredibly important, especially so we can support the other people in our life too - having that energy.

I feel like keeping your word about not telling the doctor is important, at the same time, if you think your ex is a risk to themselves or others - I think it's important to let the doctor know. In the meantime, maybe this is something their NDIS support worker jump in and support with.

I am curious about your comment of "I fell down a hole and I can't get out" - may I ask what thoughts or feelings were coming up for you at this time? (if you have been able to reflect on this since).

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

[PeppyPatti]

Dearest @PizzaMondo 

I care very very much for my ex husband. 

However putting up this thread has made me feel about boundaries and self care. 

I feel myself sinking into his issues because he can't stop blowing his money on these girls who are much younger than him. 

Last night I messaged him that he won't be getting $20 per week from me anymore and I don't want to hear from him again if he's keeps on doing this. 

I don't know what to do because he's very poor but ......

He at last after all these years is doing silversmithing. He sells his beautiful jewellery at a store. He is going to give this money to them for showing their boobs to him. 

I don't know what to do. 

[PizzaMondo]

I can see that you really do care for your ex husband very much @PeppyPatti
I can also see that it upsets you to see some of the money you are helping them out with is going towards other areas that are not necessarily in line with what you may wish for him - in the sense for his wellbeing rather than extra curricular adventures.

I feel it would be important to be clear with boundaries and it sounds like you are, but you mention he is very poor, and I wonder if NDIS or other external supports can help him to have some financial security as this is not your responsibility (unless you have chosen to support him financially).

While I believe that once we gift or support another with money, it is their choice for how they want to spend it - especially in adult hood - I can also say that if someone is not using that money to feed themselves, or putting it towards basic needs or medication, etc that is needed - I don't feel comfortable enabling when there is already such generosity involved.

Please correct me if I assumed anything or said something out of line.

Warmest,
PizzaMondo 🙂

[PeppyPatti]

Dear @PizzaMondo 

 thank you.  

I help him financially because I know him very well and I know his past. 

I'm struggling financially too just like many many other people. 

I don't want him to take advantage of my generosity as well. The money usually doubles or whatever every week. When you give the money it's with an open heart but I'm not going to give money knowing what he's doing. 

His NDIS has been doing well. At last, hey getting a little life.  Someone with an average of 150 IQ  gets something he  he loves which is silversmithing and he sells his jewellery. 

He likes buying a couple of  people in his class a coffee each and I help him facilitate this. 

But truthfully, I'm emotionally drained. 

My partner doesn't need to feel he is in a relationship with two people. Me and him. 

I want to be free to see my adult children without obsessed with him 

Or be in a relationship withot him contacting me all the time. 

 it's come to this but I'm mindful I need my own life today and the crew from @Sane show me this. 

I saw my Psychotherapist today. She has verbally told me that if he calls his NDIS support coordinator, get the payments happening she will see him. 

It just feels so terribly unfair he's missed out on so so much...

how can I wrench myself free fro this ?