Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Attahua]

as I have posted in here many times of late you are probably quite familiar with my situation. But in a nutshell my partner of 6 years has schizoeffective disorder and was recently hospitalised for the third time in the last six years. As we were able to keep him in our local town hospital as they now have a brand new pysch ward it means I can visit regularly and I do. I work all day, go home and cook my daughter dinner so she can reheat when she is hungry, do the daily washing etc then pile the dogs into the car and head to the hospital to basically sit for an hour or do and listen to how my partner is running the world's finances, curing all diseases etc etc but then can perfectly normally and accurately tell me how much money should be in our account after loans been taken out!!!!! Quite remarkable how the brain works! He is currently very unwell, he is rude, arrogant and argumentative towards staff and at times myself, when he does it to me I now walk away as I know from previous experiences that one of the basic rules of caring for someone is to look after the carer and how there is no point wearing myself to a point of exhaustion when he will have no idea of how destructive he is being!! Easier said than done as he rings me to ask when I am visiting daily. I thought after last Thursday night's visit I might have had a few days Grace as he believed I was an imposter and not the real me.....we went through that stage of his illness the last time he was hospitalised and it lasted a week so I did not feel guilty not visiting but this time it lasted just a day ( a good sign) but I was thinking I may have a few days break (selfish of me?????) He rang last night asking when I was coming as I had not been in all day so I went in and took my daughter, his step daughter as well as she had not seen him since he has been in. Unfortunately he was not at his best, he was rude, arrogant and apparently had been threatening to staff!! He yelled at me of course but that was because I was harping on about him not taking his orals.....really a pointless exercise as when he eventually comes home he won't take them anyway, never has so we just rely on the fortnightly depot to work its magic and up until now it has and does work. I know it will just take time and a few more depots in the hospital before he gets back on track, he will be well again that is a certainty but in the meantime I am exhausted, frustrated and quite cross at him as he reverted back to old ways and had a bit of green and THAT is what has landed him back in this situation , something he could have avoided but chose not too so I also feel extremely let down! Thanx for letting me rant!

[Zahlia]

Hi @Attahua !

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story again, I love to read how you are coping with your situation. You share so much detail of your personal life, which I think is very corageous and also very comforting for other members who may be in similar situations. It makes it so easy to relate to you, so thank you.

With that being said, I honestly do not think you should feel guilty about not going to see your partner on a particular day. Sometimes we need a bit of a break to regroup and get our own mental and physical health in check. No one would ever look down on you for that trust me! You are there for him when he needs support, and one day I hope he realises how good you were to him through his difficult time. So for now you just need to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and also need to take some time out and do something special for yourself! What do you usually like to do? Something fun with your daughters? 

Wishing you all the best,

Zahlia

[Attahua]

Thanx, my daughter is 16 so fun with mum is off the cards haha....my own mum has come up for Easter to support me but all she has unintentionally managed to do is make me feel inadequate as although my homes is neat, tidy and dust free my cupboards were a bit chaotic so she has cleaned out and rearranged my kitchen cupboards, linen press and fridge ... she also tells me she is concerned for my health because I shouldn't feel THIS tired!!!! I just want to lie on my bed and watch Netflix for an hour or do.....that's my time.....this is my Easter break away from teaching five year olds so without sounding up myself , for want of a better expression, I think it's okay for me to just want to chill for a bit but now I feel guilty again......am tired of guilt

[Zahlia]

And I 100% agree with you 🙂

Don't let the guilt get to you, if you want to lay for a few hours and just watch Netflix, then you deserve to do so! If I had that opportunity to do that I would definitely take it. Our lives can become so chaotic that we sometimes feel it's not ok to take time out and relax a bit, we feel like we should be running around and doing all the things that need to be done.

It seems like people around you are making you feel this guilt: your partner and your mother. It's great your mother is concerned for your health, but she wouldn't know everything that goes on inside your life... Have you talked to her about what is going on, and that you genuinely just need some time out to yourself? Or is she not someone you can really talk to about this stuff?

And yes, 16 year olds are quite difficult to have fun with hehe! 

Zahlia

[ivana]

Is your daughter able to cook for herself?

If not,perhaps you could make up the weeks worth of dinners in one batch on one day and then freeze them and she can defrost them as needed?

Regarding your partners "difficulties" with staff members-is he like that with just some staff members or all of them?

If its with just some staff member then could possibly those staff members actions,reactions and attitudes also be contributing to the problem?

Eg:does your partner perceive hes being treated with dignity,respect and being listened to in the ward?

If he doesn't and he is angry,that then is not necessarily part of his mental illness.For example a patient on an Oncology ward or Cardiology ward may also get angry if they feel they are being mistreated but its taken as normal human reaction and isnt taken as a mental illness symptom.

[Attahua]

Thanx, mum is someone I can talk to but as she hasn't really spent time around my partner when he is becoming unwell and then unwell I don't think she fully appreciates how exhausting that alone can be..................until tonight!!! Tonight the hospital staff have let my partner come home for dinner and he has talked non stop about his delusions etc but is also now busy organising the back yard even though it's half eight at night!!! I think after tonight she may have a little more insight hehe!!!! 

[Attahua]

Hi Ivana, yes my daughter can cook but she has so much study, part time work and sports training that her timetable is quite full as well.... I do like the idea of freezing meals though.... might do some cooking tomorrow!!! You know I think some staff are less experienced than others dealing with someone as acutely ill as my partner so it may very well be that he is not treated with as much dignity as he should be. As I cannot be there 24/7 I just have to trust they are doing the right thing and as I go in daily and they can see I love him and I tell them how hard working and family oriented he is when he is well I hope they can just understand that he is very unwell and needs protecting!!

[Lily]

Hi Attahua,
Please try not to feel guilty! I know it's hard, but it's just not what you need to feel. You have nothing to feel guilty about, your doing your best under curcumstances most people never have to deal with.
I'm so glad to hear about the psych ward in your town that is great. And no I don't think you don't need to visit every day if you don't feel up to it, he is being looked after by professionals, and like you said about him thinking your an impostor, definetly time for a break. it's heartbreaking, some of the things our loved ones think and say when they aren't well especially when it's about us.
I hope he is doing better soon! Xx