Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Attahua]

I am done!!! Went to the hospital as planned straight after work with the dogs as the nurses said I could take partner to the beach for a walk as he loves that and he was sound asleep which was great as he needs sleep. So I took the dogs myself, then went food shopping, cooked tea for my daughter and returned to the hospital with the dogs again as promised. My partner was happy to just have them there, didn't want to go out which was good as I felt myself crashing with exhaustion by then. This is where I now need advice as I feel ashamed and embarrassed and cannot talk to anyone about this. I recently caught my partner twice over the last 12 months having a 'smoke' ....something he gave up for years because he knows it makes him unwell. Both times I flipped and told him if he ended up back in hospital as a result of THAT then to me it was a deal breaker as my daughter has been protected from the truth and I don't want her to even know that is why he is in hospital now. He has had two urine tests and tested negative however as I sat with him tonight whilst he had a smoke from his pouch I thought I caught a whiff of something that wasn't tobacco. I walked out and left the hospital. He says he had some but he has been saying that for a week and he hadn't had any as urine tests in past 7 days were negative. Whilst I was away on the weekend he had three visitors, two of them I suspect may have left him some even though they know he cannot under any circumstances have any as this relapse and delusional ramblings are the result. Maybe I am being paranoid and just thought I smelt it?????!!!! Do I betray him and tell staff???? I just do not know what to do as I said I am ashamed and embarrassed !!!I am afraid for him as will the hospital kick him out, call the police??? I am naive in this way and I have no one to turn too

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Attahua,

Sounds like a tough conversation to talk about - I'm glad that you brought it up on here. 

Just to make sure that I'm following, can i ask if smoking has made unwell to the point that he has returned to hospital?

You mentioned urine tests - do these specifically test for tabacco? I'm not sure they do because they are a legal substance. Because of its legal status, I'm unsure the police could do much if you did call them. Or is there something in particular about his condition that means he shouldn't smoke? In terms of notifying the hosptial staff, I'm also not sure they could kick him out unless there is a policy about not smoking?

Sorry for all the questions, I just want to make sure that I understand where you're coming from.

CB

[Appleblossom]

My brother was sectioned as involuntary once, because a friend brought him some green whilst he was in the old Mont park and he was found out.  I am not sure what the best approach is.  I personally could never report my brother, but he knew I didnt think it wise to take any stuff either. I maintained that approach for 10 years.

The hard thing with ultimatums is when the crunch comes ... do you stick with the words.  I somehow trained myself out of that way of thinking or speaking with my son ... but I used to use ultimatums, when things got urgent, before I separated.

The thing that is most amazing is that you do put in so much effort.  @Attahua You also do need to get rest and care for yourself.

[CherryBomb]

Well said @Appleblossom 

[Attahua]

Thank you, I am just so disappointed in him and I feel he has let me down by having some green. However I honestly believe that the 'well' him wouldn't after the first time I caught him last year.... the second time was four weeks before he was admitted into hospital but if I think back he was gradually unravelling by then anyway and not making particularly strong positive choices...I think this relapse was triggered by some green and a whole lot of stress as he has not had a great deal of work in the past few months ( not his fault) and we have been under a lot of pressure. I know ultimatums are not ideal and in all honesty I do love him and do not want to separate but if he starts to make those choices again that I do not support or encourage then I think we will have to reevaluate our future but obviously that cannot be done whilst he is unwell. The last thing I want to do is prolong his recovery as I want him home, I want the 'well' him home. When he is unwell like this he says some dreadful things and as much as I try to ignore it and I do walk away as I don't have to listen to his delusions I do find them distressing and wonder where on earth he gets these thoughts from as a well him would never in a billion years say the stuff that an unwell him says!! I think I need to stay away from the hospital for a day , actually for my own mental health I know I do but I feel guilty if I do that. Tomorrow I have organised for a friend I trust to visit him do at least he will get one visitor. I feel angry and frustrated that his own family, although they are interstate, don't come and support us.....they have rarely rung me at all to see how we are both travelling!!! I know I can't make them help us as they never have before but I still feel disappointed and let down every time. 

[JoseJones]

@Attahua,

Your posts show how much you care and value your partner, and it must be incredibly frustrating to see him indulging in behaviours that you know are harmful to him!  It must be very hard to see him in those delusional states.  I think it's hugely admirable the efforts you put into his care.  I can see you're very disappointed at the lack of support you get from his family.  It's most unfortunate to have to bear the brunt of this situation yourself.  Do you have other people who can help you?  What sort of things do you do for your own self-care?

[Attahua]

I know this may sound incredibly vain or even dare I say materish but right now I simply don't have time to care for myself as my job is a demanding one ( I teach 26 receptions , preps) so I am already quite exhausted at the end of a day. Having said that I do only visit my partner for about an hour and a half at a time which is great that I can do that as when he used to be hospitalised in the city I would sit for entire days with him and THAT was exhausting!!! What I am doing is making sure I am in bed by 10 ish and I am pretty much crashing straight away so I am sleeping quite solidly. And I am thinking of NOT visiting after work today....feeling guilty already at the thought of it but I think realistically for my own self care I have reached a point where I need to do that. I have a 16 year old who doesn't need me as much as a younger child would but still needs me around if you know what I mean. This weekend I have a lot of school work to catch up on as have reports to write but I do plan on watching Netflix and vegging as well as short visits to the hospital. My partner and I were actually supposed to be flying to Melbourne for our first holiday away without my daughter in six years this coming Easter but it looks like that will be canned and to be honest I wasn't particularly excited about spending four days with his family....especially not after this relapse so Easter should now be a nice restful one at home indulging in chocolate!!!!

[Betta]

I truly know exactly what you are going through.Going through it at the moment, and it is hard seeing a loved one unwell.I think its best to talk to him heart to heart, and yes people can be very hirtful when unwell so never take it personal. I would tell him that the more he smokes, the more time he will be unwell. Not worth it, say ot gently and its your best bet, say it calm and lovingly. Good luck!

[Betta]

I truly know exactly what you are going through.Going through it at the moment, and it is hard seeing a loved one unwell.I think its best to talk to him heart to heart, and yes people can be very hirtful when unwell so never take it personal. I would tell him that the more he smokes, the more time he will be unwell. Not worth it, say ot gently and its your best bet, say it calm and lovingly. Dont feel guilty if you need to stay away, you need to look after yourself and have done a lot! Good luck!

[Two]

His family may be a bit like mine. No-one wants to interfere or say anything so as to not rock the boat. Maybe they dont know how to deal with the situation. But when I've asked for their opinions they've been helpful. I'm the one who has to broach the subject. Have you tried talking to them?