Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Lost1]

Just wondering what techniques or ideas you all might have for letting go, accepting, getting over all the bad stuff that happens because of caring for someone with mental illness......

My husband is schizoaffective and when unwell and in psychosis he just says the most horrible things.....most of the time he never even remembers any of it yet it's stuck running through my head day after day. I tell myself that it isn't really him doing or saying things but as time goes on and things build up I just get overwhelmed and then thoughts start to creep in like 'what if he really thinks that' or you start believing things.

In his first psychosis he told me that I was sexually abused as a child because I must of liked it.........I was gutted and it was so cruel to me but he remembers nothing and talking about things when he is okay just triggers his feelings of guilt and his depression....It ruins him.

So what can I do in my everyday life to forgive and forget so I can enjoy the days when things are going okay?

[Attahua]

My partner is schizoeffective as well and he pretty much says stuff like that to me as well. The first time he had an episode it was all very new to me so I pretty much believed all the crap that came out of his mouth.....three more episodes later I pretty much walk out of the hospital when he talks like that so that he gets the message that it is not okay!!! Although very difficult I remind myself it is the illness talking not him and once he is well into recovery I tell him some of the vile stuff he says as otherwise it builds up inside me. Naturally he has no recollection and is mortified. This is one of the hardest things to deal with in the illness!!!! It can be so damaging to us as partners. I don't think people understand quite how hard it is unless they have been in your shoes!!! Anyway, like I said....I deal with it by talking at an appropriate time with him about what has been said, although it cannot be 'unsaid' it still amazes me how they have no recollection and again it is the illness talking not them!! Take care!

[Lost1]

Thanx so much for replying you've helped me feel a bit better about maybe having some more conversations with him when he is in a well state. Like your partner he does seem genuinely mortified when I relay things back to him but yes fustrating when he doesn't remember. Sometimes I feel like yelling at him 'Well how bloody convieniant for you' LOL

[Attahua]

lol yes I have yelled at my partner about him being lucky he can't remember some of the crap!!! I just wonder where these sick thoughts come from, nothing in his past indicates abuse of any description ! It can be so embarrassing though when in a hospital visiting and he is yelling vile stuff at my back.....as I walk away !!! That does my head in!!!!And I cringe at some of the stuff he randomly says to strangers when on a day pass out of hospital.....I generally opt for places to go with wide open spaces and few people around!!! Lol And I don't know about you but my partner has had me do some crazy stuff for him just to keep the peace ie take a pillow case full of seeds and plants he has collected around the hospital home, give him lemon peel to mix eith his tobacco because he reckons he doesn't smoke as much etc etc and when we talk over the phone when he is in hospital I have agreed to deliver messages to strangers, made up whole stories of the crazy requests and missions I have fulfilled on his behalf......of course I have done no such thing but as he has no memory of it when he comes home i just go along with it all.......better to do that then cop a mouth full of abuse!!!lolHis family live interstate and are big believers of 'onwards and upwards' and always insist I never speak of his time in hospital and the things he has said and done to him but I find that unhelpful for my mental health and his accountability as without a community treatment order in place my partner tends to stop taking meds. I tell him in the hope that it gives him a reason to stay well as a person can only take so much!!!!!!

[Lost1]

I have to laugh cos I too go along with some ridiculous requests and conversations - sometimes it really is easier to 'keep the peace'.

And yes cringing at the things my hubby says to strangers or things he says out loud which are clearly directed at people, I've given up dying of embarressment. Took him grocery shopping today....he's started back on meds but still not out of the psychosis....and an old guy happened to comment to me on our daughter choosing a chocolate - just normal polite chit chat and as we walked off hubby rather loudly starting on a tangent of 'what gives men the right to think they can talk to my wife, must be the genetics and not being able to control things in their stomachs'  Oh god I think my voice turned sing songy as I tried to disguise what he was saying at the same time as dragging him away faster LOL

[Attahua]

haha I hear ya!!!! Sometimes you just have to laugh or else you cry!!!! When my partner is on a tangent he has a habit of ringing 'the bank of Hong Kong'. asking where his millions are?????? Then I have to ring afterwards when he is out of earshot and explain that he is unwell!!!! It feels like he is a tornado when he is pyschotic and I have to trail behind in damage control!!! Haha. His Aunty always tells the story of when he was early 20s and in a ward he spent an hour telling a pyschiatrist how the hospital could conserve water etc and then he spent another hour under the shower!!!! I remember one time he was in hospital and they were in the process of turning some of the land into a car park and he went around at night and moved all their land marks etc!!!! However putting 'bird poo' in our petrol tank to save on fuel has to be one of the most outrageous things he has done......one of!!!! Wow how do you manage with your partner still not 100% at home?? Does he have a 'team' that visit daily at this stage?????

[Lost1]

 ..... Our lives sound like bad comedys on paper LOL

It is hard to deal with him at home but I don't have a choice unless I admit him against his will. He has had some very traumatised mental ward stays/visits so it just compounds things further especially the bipolar part. He is literally scared to go in there. It puts me in a bad predicament because I get feelings of guilt and to watch him crumble in fear is awful but then I cop everything if he is home. Sigh, it's so hard some days.

Plus I don't think he has ever forgiven his mother for admitting him via the police the first time it happened so I am scared that if I have to do it, it will be ammo and hell against me too.

[Attahua]

lol bad comedies most definitely!!!!! I find even the most well meaning of people/ friends just don't get it!!!!! I have certainly lost some friendships as a result when they have questioned my alliegance and relationship , basically implying , why do I put myself through this? My response is the usual one.....' would you leave your partner because of a physical illness???' Having said that I do, especially after the last episode, question why am I doing this? Why am I putting my 16 year old daughter from a previous relationship through this but it has been almost seven years now and we do have a pretty strong bond when he is well.....I say 'pretty much' because like other couples we still have our normal battles and I am trying to support my teen through her last two years of secondary school too and my partner , I feel, doesn't seem to have a whole lot of empathy for other people's struggles which astonishes me considering the roller coaster he has put us through over the years!!!! Admittedly though this time around he is on a monthly depot as opposed to a fortnightly one and seems to have more energy, is able to work more, does a heck of a lot more around the house as well but I swear that I can tell when he is due for his next one as he starts yo unravel in the slightest of ways..... or maybe it's me simply looking for the signs now.....that's the problem....am always looking for those little signs!!!!!!!Of course the BIG signs are always quite obvious.....how's this one......a few years ago I got home from work to find a 'for sale' sign on our house..........clearly he had forgotten to inform me that we were selling!!!!! Needless to say house was off the market pretty much as quickly as it was put on!!!!!! I had actually forgotten about that crazy moment until now!!!! Lol. I really feel for you having your partner home when still unwell though....last episode mine was sent home too soon and it was hard but he seemed to LAND pretty quickly too once home and in his own environment. I was not happy though that he had been discharged from the hospital as we have minimal support being in a rural area but as he was in a 'city' ward five hours drive away they just assumed he would have the same 'after care' as they claim city clients have.......

[Rosa]

I find that  when my life was consumed by "mental illness" issues they seemed to intensify. & erode the simple pleasures life offers. After an anger management course I find great comfort in taking time out from the ugly issues and strive to fill it with the "norms" which once seem long forgotton.

Allowing rest & recovery at home during recovery did become positive once my expectations decreased. Relying on MH services is a treadmill I want out of. Our new norm is the now. The word "illness" is ugly, in every sense. SO we ditched it totally. Not a head in the sand attitude but my/our survival relied on it. I hope you can find happy thoughts and activities to check mate the not so happy ones.

The depo is a beast. One alcholic drink with that rubbish and all the ugly is amplified & altered.  1+1=3. MH Services in Qld have a more is better attitude. The up is more up the down is more down. This then they say is "symptoms". Less medication, more positive actions has seen my son very well. The protocol of adding more medication to a crashing patient is cruel to say the least. They then are not just recovery from the relapse but also suffering the affects of all the other random meds to knock them out. You love your charge you hang in there and empower your mind with the good not the ugly. All the best