🌻

[maddison]

I appreciate you acknowledging me @EternalFlower thankyou.

I hope you are ok. I read on your page that you are really struggling tonight. Thankyou for supporting me, when you, yourself are breaking inside. I admire you so much. I think I could sense pain in your post. I wish I could relieve, if only a tiny bit & give you relief.

I write. In desperation, I write. I keep writing, until whatever is in me is on the page. I don't know if it helps. I have the overwhelming need to...talk..

I would like to discuss details of IVO with U - I'm sure it's not appropriate! Thankyou for supporting me. I'm taking these HUGE steps, thinking, right this is the one - a few days later, I need to take a bigger step. It might be that I'm 'in it' - it's hard to see more than a day or 2 in front, because of all the constant noise. I'm relying on supports, strangers, to help me with seeing the path ahead. 

Intuition

My plans change by the moment.

I have uncovered a lot of anger & frustration in me. The endless patience I gave away, transformed. It protects me, in a way.

There is this - coursing. Pain, courage, anger. The thing is, as painful as it is, I like it... Because it's mine.... FINALLY... I feel fear, hurt, warm, love....& intense seas...I feel numb....

I'm here for you xx❤️🌸

[Appleblossom]

Oh maddison @maddison 

You are right in the thick of things and still write so beautifully.

Hare Hare helped me. Way back ...

I just liked them for being there and caring, living around the corner and then doing their kitchen in the city. It mattered to me in the dog eat dog world that people still tried.

My daughter liked it and we ate there more 10-20 years ago.

In a weird way I am reconnecting as the same person has moved and is "around the corner" again after 40 years!  The connection is not close, but a thread from the past.

I read my Gita and then re read my Bible and meditated in all sorts of ways including Buddhist and Zen, then most recently bought a Koran. 

There can be harshness in all of them. I read them as myth tho many will jump up and down that one has to 'believe' yada yada....  I believe it is important to bring your whole self to spiritual growth and I did do science and lots of literature and various theories of society and believe it all helps understanding of life. I think the harshness is a recognition of the harshness in life.  Not that we want more than we can manage, but it is often a truth.

Within in limits of human decency I do believe it is whatever gets you through ...

I love the syllable length of your poem.  Short and punchy in the best way.

I could relate to a lot.

To curtail full expression can have serious consequences in preventing us from working through our processes.  I understand the reasons behind triggers and not upsetting others, but if we dilute expression too much it loses its authenticity, so I feel we have to be careful in the sane community to tread that path ... of care ... but honesty.  As honesty often brings its own rewards.

Am loving our friendship. So thank you.  Walking with you through these difficult days.

[EternalFlower]

Hi, @maddison your writing is genuinely impressive, very well done and well written.

I hope you can keep writing and sharing your poems. They are so beautiful and give me hope. 

You have a knack for writing and can express openly in a way that really resonates and also makes me feel less alone. 

[maddison]

I too am loving our friendship @Appleblossom it was my favourite part to read... And every word was fulfilling to me.

I'm not sure what I want to say. I only know I want to talk with you.

Maybe I will begin by quickly letting you know, I'm having a grevious time today.

I feel helpless. Yes, for myself, I feel helpless that I cannot rescue others. The pain in the world. 

Why would one person be expected to change to world? Do all people feel this? Is it a delusion of grandeur I'm having? 

I feel strongly about injustice.

Admonished.

I am tired & want to let go. I'm fighting a battle inside of me. I'm looking for the place I can rest. I want to keep fighting...the cause is worthy & I don't see anyone else taking notice. 

I see each in their own room. They know their room.

I'm in my room all the time. I see all the rooms. 

Is this true? Did others get to here & find the path didn't go any further?

I can give up for me. I don't really need more. I would possibly be better, safer, with more...or not.

I can't understand why - I know I'm definitely definitely definitely not the first. Millions before me, maybe All. Did no one ever make it past? I can't see any evidence of life out here. I only see the transmission signals of what I knew of life.

Echoes. 

And the guidelines. I can't begin to tell you my frustrations. All I know is each game has it's own set of rules...(to be broken!)

Ok, that is enough of my other worldy admissions....

Admission 🎟️

I think (maybe) this is your ticket Appleblossom.

[maddison]

Thankyou  so much for your encouragement @EternalFlower I love writing poems... I think they are ok..it's art, you can't really say good or bad. If you like them & they genuinely help you & give you hope. I have to learn to trust.

I wrote a deep & sad letter to Appleblossom - then I thought about a joke I knew about panel beaters & burst out laughing- I now I've changed lanes again.

Do you ever get that horrible make up feeling on your skin. I need to jump in the shower & wash my face. 

Did you have dinner? What did you have? I had cous cous & vegetables. 

❤️

[Appleblossom]

@maddison 

Thanks for admitting me.  Pun intended.  lol 

Honestly none of the services have ever admitted me and I have been pretty needy, but in the long run I guess, I am well enough behaved to stay at home.

So glad to read your post to @EternalFlower that you burst into laughter.  Maybe thats the way our souls work, after deeply expressing angst we are more free and then able to feel and appreciate lighter things.

I think many people feel strongly about pain and injustice in the world and we respond differently. Is it because of what we have seen or values we adopt?  I did not strongly emotionally react to all the pain around me growing up. Mostly I tried to keep calm and do a little good. About 15 years ago I was in a bookshop and a man with obvious delusional conversation spoke to me.  I guess, that was one of my moments where I knew I did not have to save him, and could not save the world, I was kind and firm, still gave to the people begging out the front.  It was at a church in the city. I had another moment when my girls were young and a man came and spoke to us sitting at the tram stop.  There are limits. 

Maybe I stopping the emotional contagion by self regulating.  Got very good at self soothing.

Some have strong walls up against other people's pain, I was not good at building those walls even to protect me, still working on it as one facet of my growth.

Bottom line: the world can be a bloomin mess, but also a bloomin beauty.

Gotta go.  

Talk later.

Maybe those with strong walls or boundaries dare I say, do not feel the pain of the world as much, idk.  My make up and background

[maddison]

Hello @Appleblossom 

Thankyou for your beautiful letter to me. I am seeing a different side of you. I'm not sure exactly how to interpret. I feel quite trusting & close to 

I honestly don't know what the ticket was for - it was a moment of word association. I felt like I wanted to give you access... Only if you needed & wanted to accept..or not. Then later I was thinking.. Does it mean 'admission of guilt'..? As you said, outpourings of angst ... Creation in soul can happen 

I know that. Unburden 

Your words provided deeper clarity... Living example 

I had a psychologist appt today. Reading now, I think this is a good moment I had today. It was like a miracle. Suddenly, the world felt easy. I was in a state of wonderment. I wonder if I can get more of that?!!! It was magical, amazing - I felt very at ease & felt my location in the universe. He told me, that I tested him more than other patient/client he'd had. I didn't understand. He said, he could learn from me. He could do better in encouragement 

I didn't understand it all

Thankyou for taking the time to listen to me Apple😊 There are limits we must set. I was quiet & calm as a child too. The emotional 'intensity' - not ever been able to hide 

Sorry I don't understand everything you are telling me. You sound different 

I can hear one voice on here. I want to say the sound, it drives me..INSANE!! . . .  ¡ ! LOLs' ! ¡

U made me lol with your pun - haha - I didn't get it, I still smiled.

Thankyou for writing to me

Hello 2 @EternalFlower  Hope you are good. Your raft is maybe in clear waters, or maybe having thoughts of pretty sea shells & soft sinking sand.

[Appleblossom]

Dont worry or overthink. The ticket was fine @maddison what you said was how I took it.  I have read a lot of your imaginative stuff.

I cant believe that I actually made a joke about such a serious thing that has permeated my life. There have been more admissions in my family that tickets to see any shows. I feel lighter for that moment, so thank you ... the organic side of friendship has mystery... I have been slow to find friends but think it is finally happening for me, here and irl.

I do hope your housing gets sorted.

Also @EternalFlower I read you were in court. That is rarely an easy experience. 

Sending hugs to you both

[EternalFlower]

Hope ur keeping raft afloat @maddison 

Easy waters ?

What are U watching ? Keep sharing keep trusting the process you have all the strength inside you I think 

❤️♥️❤️

That was very sensitive how you wrote that I love words, you're right about that !!

[EternalFlower]

Today was rain 🌧️🌧️ out of nowhere and puffer coat day.

Hope U are all doing ok @maddison @Appleblossom