Being a carer is killing me

[Lostsoul30]

Hi, I'm new here.. I'm not even sure if I'm doing this right or if I will get any help by doing this, but I'm in a desperate place and I need help!

So my story is quite difficult to explain and there is so much information to be said but I will break it down and hope I can receive some help or advice on this.

Few years ago I became a carer for my mum and dad who became very unwell at the exact same time..

Dad ended up in hospital and I sat by his bed watching him die being told to make arrangements.. which was the worst time of my entire life.. few days later mum ended up nearly dying in my care... She was unwell but because it was all a stressful time with my dad and I was alone I didn't see how bad she was, deep down I knew she was sick but I woke one morning ready to go see my dad in hospital when I found mum in her room alone and she was unresponsive, she'd had a seizure alone! Now I was being told mum was going die too.. so this destroyed me so unbelievably that till this day I'm carrying this pain and trauma inside all alone.. 

Anyway skipping ahead.. gratefully they both made it through with great difficulty and much stress and pain.

But I am a sole carer for both of them and their situation is not getting better.. dad has a very bad heart diabetes lung cancer and many other illnesses.. mum has a brain tumour and many other illnesses aswell.. 

Currently I am struggling with being their carer because I am watching them day in  and day out declining in their health and it's taking a toll on my mental health and on my body and on my soul.. 

I tell them to eat better and do things that make them happy and to stop doing things that will make them more sick.. but it is an endless battle with them, constantly fighting because I'm telling them to do things they don't want to listen too and when I mention how hard this is on me or what toll it's taking they don't seem to understand I'm doing it tough. 

I don't want to lose them because they are the only family I have.. I'm single jobless no friends and very lonely and suffer mental health issues which some stop me from having a normal life..

I feel so depressed that I have wasted time not creating my own life and when they are gone I will be all alone and I'm scared.. I don't know what to do! 

I'm sorry for the long essay I tried to keep it short as I can.. but like I said I'm desperate and I need help. I need someone to tell me how to keep going and NOT give up.

[tyme]

Hey @Lostsoul30 ,

Welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing a little about what's been happening for you. It certainly takes a lot of courage to reach out and sharing your vulnerabilities.

Do you have any supports in place? People who can provide you respite care? If not, would you consider looking into it?

I know someone who provides respite care, home care to the elderly etc. I'm just not sure if it is available in your area.

Please know you are not alone @Lostsoul30 .

[Lostsoul30]

@tyme @Thank you for replying, I appreciate that.. 

Actually yes it took all my courage to join today and open up about this as I've actually never told anyone about what's happening.. 

Currently no, I have no help from anyone.. sometimes it's hard for me to accept help.. and to be frank..my parents don't like strangers in their home so if I was to accept help they would feel uncomfortable so I don't, so they won't feel that way.. 

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Lostsoul30 

I mainly just wanted to welcome you to the forums! It was very courageous of you to open up and share your story. Thanks. I thought I would also link the Carer Gateway in case it has any information that might be helpful to you:

https://www.carergateway.gov.au/

Making you a virtual cuppa. I'm sure you will settle into the forums no probs. Welcome 😊

[Dimity]

Hello @Lostsoul30 years ago I cared for my mum and dad while my mum was ill with cancer then stayed on for a couple more years to help my dad and it was hard. I didn't have much support.

If I was doing it again I'd look into Carer Gateway https://www.carergateway.gov.au/ and also try to link up with community supports. My local neighbourhood house runs a weekly lunch for carers and also has a walking group for carers. It's really important for you to feel you're not doing it alone. Also although your parents might be a bit reluctant It's not fair if they're not accepting services they may be entitled to through MyAgedCare or elsewhere because they expect you to do it all. 

Maybe you could also think a bit about what floats your boat and look at your local council directory for interest groups - there's heaps from sport to craft to gardening to book clubs. Your local library is another great resource. 

And please explore the forum pages here and keep posting. 

Take care

Dimity 

@Shaz51 @NatureLover 

[Lostsoul30]

@Dimity thank for you reply..

I'm actually signed in with carer gateway and I did have my aged care for dad but my parents would say no to any help.. I know sounds crazy because I should be able to get some help with them refusing it.. but I don't want to put pressure on them but adding some stranger to stay with them.. it's been a couple years but not sure what services they provided and if it benefits me in any way but il look into it again see what can help me hopefully I can find something.

As for me getting into support groups or doing activities, it sounds perfect for a normal person yet Ive become antisocial and anxious and I don't know how to be in those situations.. I'm a shy person so I try stay away from things that show my anxiety.. plus I'm so exhausted by everything and my own health issues I don't have the energy to be around people.. I want to but just don't know how.

Thank you for your advice though I will take it onboard and try

[Lostsoul30]

@Ainjoule Thank you for the welcome.. this place seems very supportive and that is exactly what I need in my life at the moment.. I appreciate your comment and the link 😊

[Shaz51]

hello and welcome @Lostsoul30 

how are you going today 

I was a carer for my mum, sending you understanding hugs as it is sometimes hard to find a good balance 

[Lostsoul30]

@Shaz51 hey I'm going ok thank you for asking, how are you doing?

Yes it absolutely is difficult to find that balance.. really wish it wasn't though 😕

[imalittleteapot]

Lostsoul30 I wish I could give you a big hug right now. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job under very challenging circumstances.

Please get support for YOU as soon as possible. Do you have a GP you trust? If so, that would be a great starting point because your mental health matters. A few years ago, I was so busy with caring responsibilities that I completely neglected my own mental health. Needless to say, I ended up on a psych ward and took a long time to recover. On the bright side, during my recovery I was introduced to 2 amazing carer support workers who were the best people I'd ever met! Get yourself connected to your local carer support services and don't wait for a crisis like I did. Take care xo