Skip to main content Skip to main content

I’m looking for…

Home » Forums
Circle drop down menus with words I'm a support person interested in with a watering can and water drops graphic to the right of it
Circle drop down menus with words I'm a health professional interested in with a trellis and plant illustration to the right of it
Circle drop down menus with words I want to register for an event and two plant pots to the right of it
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Welcome & getting started

Healing_Journey
New Contributor

New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Hi everyone, I am new here looking for support as my family enters this new stage of a very long traumatic and painful journey. I have been with my husband for 30 years. I am facing a huge amount of regret though as I could have pushed him to get diagnosed so much sooner! 
We have children who are so over the confusion and I can see how traumatised they are. 
Miss 15 is now insisting I leave as I'm clearly in a "cycle of abuse". Miss 12 possibly will be diagnosed at some stage. She is currently ADHD, SPD, ODD and as soon as we can afford it will get her diagnosed with Autism as her Psychologist thinks it's a no brainer. 

I am new to this entire idea of actually having an illness to manage instead of just dealing with "episodes" that have been normalised. 30 years of him switching into an unrecognisable man at a perceived insult from me (no matter how small) and flying into aggressively destructive rages where he basically tells me I am the worst person on the planet. It's been so confusing. I was insecure myself for years and joined in the heightened moments In extreme shock and  confusion - trying to tell him I didn't actually do anything and He doesn't think the words he's shouting at me. Hard to get near him while he's aggressively shoving me off etc and hard to recover when I'm on the floor in pieces after 30 years of it and he's standing over me pointing at me in disgust, "just look at you, this is what is wrong with me, why I'm doing this and why you deserve it". 
Then he leaves. Abandoning again. He can stay switched off like that for days and sometimes I think forever, if I didn't drag him back by begging him to stop and explaining like a mad woman at this point, what he is doing again. He comes back crying in shame, looking at his WHY and cleaning up his mess, making promises he now has a new understanding, and he won't do it again. I used to possibly believe I was responsible as I thoght it was me who was damaged as a child. However I never learnt that type of cruelty. Calling me names thst would make your toes curl and telling me I'm the worst person on the planet. 
I started writing as I have written all my life. Plus I started my own healing journey and self growth 25 years ago. 
I'm better. I know my kids don't need to be witnessing this insanity and clearly abusive pattern. He's just such a wonderful man really., he loves me so deeply and would die without me. He always debriefs the kids now, possibly I've insisted, but I know he now sees the damage too. 
He doesn't want it to happen. 
I am an avid seeker of information and I keep trying to finish a psychology degree. It's all been impossible of course. I'm too busy trying to solve my husband so I can get on with healing the PTSD I was diagnosed with 3 years ago (caused by his rages) when I could suddenly see very clearly what was going on. He knows I'm not well at this point. He knows the kids can't be seeing this and trying to work out if "daddy thinks Mummy is the most beautiful amazing goddess walking the planet" or if Daddy thinks "mummy is crazy, so must leave her" and them. 
It's been insane and my regret is almost too much to bear.
My daughters now see me as a weak woman who won't leave and my son (under 10) has become my caretaker, who hardly speaks, but has told Dad (when he is in his 80% amazing understanding accountable personality), that he no longer trusts him and is scared of him, although the rages are only ever directed at me.
It's so heart breaking as my husband is so loving, kind and supportive usually. I know it's when he's under financial stress. I know it's because his culture told him "men don't cry" and labelled him the greatest sook (there's a nickname they all chanted at him if he dared to become emotional), and I know he had childhood night terrors that he can still remember.  He grew up with so much pain shoved down inside of him, and such clear expectations of what a "good wife" should do and allow her husband to do to her without a word. 
I'm from a different culture. I didn't understand the man/woman divide. I've only just convinced my husband that this it's what's wrong and it's not his fault. 29 years later. He has finally booked a GP appointment to tell the truth and not just say he possibly needs anger management as he's possibly depressed. He's not. He's happy most of the time. 
I can clearly see he ticks at least 7 BPD criteria and after his last episodes that are happening twice a day, I'm broken. I took the kids and left. I need to heal, they need to heal. We all need to start living the life I have had I'm on hold in a cloud of confusion and exhaustion as I've watched so very many years go by. 
But he's now looking within. He's reading. It's been 3 days, but I think he's finally getting it. He is now definitely losing his family, not just maybe losing his family. He can't cry in shame, make excuses and be forgiven as we are all too aware of the pattern that when he switches he completely forgets about. All the years and years of deep and searching discussions in the toilet the minute he sees something I said as insulting. He deems it bad enough to jump up and start raging. This quiet gentle man turned into a monster again. 
I'm back home today. We all have a little hope. Maybe Daddy is unwell and he really can't stop himself. He is telling us that and that he is soul searching and finally facing his own pain in order not to keep inflicting it on the person he loves most and couldn't live without. Me. 
There is so much more. But it all follows what I can see now has been the same pattern for 3 decades. He has stopped saying his childhood was perfect, that he is nothing like the men in his culture and that he doesn't want me to become his subservient mother.
As long as he doesn't become insulted - although I believe him I think - he has a doctors appointment and wants to see a specialist.

Sorry for the long vent. I have taken to writing each episode down as I had to. I needed the clarity.  
I showed him during one of my "this is the proof!" Talks with him. 84 notes in 2020 alone. A roller coaster of him loving me passionately and then suddenly, shockingly telling me he has no concern if I live or die. Then crying, apologies, explanations and promises. 
If I had only just stopped trying to get him to see all of it and stop it.
I have slowly become a shadow of myself. He is so wounded as he wants me back to me and cannot believe what he's done. So innocent in public, everyone believing him to be such a lovely kind generous man.  
My determination to keep my kids from a broken home, or me from facing life without the love of my life ... has almost destroyed me.
But he's so grateful. So horrified and so ashamed. But he worships the ground I walk on .... how can I leave him?
So a Doctors appointment. A diagnosis somehow and then hopefully when he feels a trigger, he'll remember it's not just in his wife's head and he's obviously unwell. 

But  OMG the regret I am in is terrible. I want to look forward but I'm still not sure if I can. My own PTSD has never had the space or safety to heal. We need some sort of family therapy ASAP.
I just need some guidance on what happens next.
He has all the books now. He is working hard.  But will it ever end? Will I have to keep facing the cold assassin like stranger he becomes occasionally? 

I just don't know if I have the strength as I need to heal me, the kids and I need a safe life. 
Is this how it is for others? 
I should have named myself "finally broken" but I guess I was feeling positive instead of worn down. I am really. I am consciously living, authentically me and standing in truth.

I love him. Maybe I'm stronger than I think?

Advice greatly required !!
Plus he wants he to source a BPD specialist who is able to diagnose in Perth?

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

10 REPLIES 10

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

hello and welcome to the forum @Healing_Journey 

how are you going today 

letting you know that you are not alone my friend 

@BPDSurvivor@Determined , @Former-Member 

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Hi @Healing_Journey 

I juat wanted to say you are not alone.

I can see soo many parallels in your story. 😢

 

My wife of 20 years lives with BPD and we have 3 children under 16....

We have been living in dysfunction since day 1 and I have been told by more than 1 Dr to leave because I am subject to DV.

 

It is heart breaking to read your story. It is hard loving someone who is so broken. 

I worry about my own children and the example that is set by putting up with abuse unconditionally. Abuse is never ok. 

 

I'm not sure what to say but happy to answer any questions the best I can. 

For us setting clear boundaries has helped. This was first initiated when my darling was in hospital.  You can read about tha journey   -here -

 

Take care.

 

D

 

 

 

 

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Hi @Determined ,

 

It sounds like that is a very tough situation at home for you and just wanted to check in and let you know you are not alone. If you are wanting a chat or some instantaneous support around DV, you can always reach out to 1800 Respect or contact emergency services (000) in case of any imminent risk of harm or danger.

 

It’s important you are able to stay safe and just affirming that myself and our whole community are absolutely here to support you and to reach out if you are needing.

 

Much care and best wishes,

 

Otter

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Hi @Otter 

Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate the support. 

I read my post again  and probably should clarify that while we are still dysfunctional (and I can't ever see that changing 🥴  ) things have improved from when I was given that advice (re DV) and we are all safe. It is a long road and often lonely road however. 

 

The main reason for the post was to let @Healing_Journey  know that she is not alone..  This is such an amazing supporting space.

 

At the same time @ @healing_journey I do want to reiterate that any form of violence is never ok. I don't ever want my story to indicate that I think it is 😞

 

The implementation of boundaries has helped with our situation because I no longer tolerate abusive behaviour. 

 

Thanks again. 

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

I am still getting used to the forums so hope this just adds to the end of the comments. I just wanted to say thank you for commenting and that it means a lot to me. 
I'm ok today. Still processing though and I'm worried my own hurt from all the years and my own 'triggers' to perceived bad behaviour eg a voice tone or even a negative mindset comment, won't add to his confusion further. Today I did realise that all the memories of the things he's told me when he was 'switched' Dont actually mean anything. He always loved his family. He was unsure afterwards why he had said those things and I get now that he must have been in so much pain with all that guilt and the confusion of him questioning himself eg am I just a BAD person if I can't stop? What did I even say? Omg why did I say THAT? 
So with me getting to the end of my tether recently he would also have been getting to the end of his with that confusion and guilt closing in on him as he just knew we couldn't take anymore cruel words or him storming out and off, again. He did care about the damage in his kids ... he did see it. 
I cannot wait for this diagnosis as we are both going to have freedom from it.

GP appointment in an hour. Referral to who I hope will give him the diagnosis. A psychologist ... hope I'm not wrong and need to look up a psychiatrist who specialises. 
It's the start of something new today and it's good. I need to focus on that and not the pain I'm still processing when it was just an illness all along.,

jeez. Not easy. Part of the processing I guess and me learning that I can no longer do this by insinuated guilt on his part is the bit I'm struggling with - my own comfort zone chsnge. It's fine, it's Day 1. He'll get better I hope, and I'll get better at supporting  ... 

Thsnks again for the support. I'll have a read @@determined and I hope I can see parallels as they sure help x 

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Hi @Healing_Journey,

 

I can hear from your posts just how much you love your family, and the hope you are holding onto, not just for your husband but for your family as a whole. We are holding hope with you that the GP appointment helps to provide some recommendations of services that can give you all the space and support to heal.

 

While your husband is seeking help, there is also support available for you and your kids too. 1800RESPECT and Relationships Australia are two services that can support you through this. As @Determined has demonstrated, our community is here to listen. There are so many people here who understand what you are going through, and can be a listening ear when you need it 💜

 

Daisydreamer 🌼

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Thank you @Healing_Journey for your honest posts.

 

Life can be a roller coaster for all those affected by BPD whether directly or indirectly.

 

However, I want you to know that it is a very manageable condition - takes time, but totally worth the time and effort. I've been through the journey and am still learning each day.

 

I can see how rich my experiences have been despite it being difficult.

 

Hold on. Please continue to reach out for support. Holding on does not mean accepting DV. Rather, hold on to the glimmer of hope that things can and will get better.

 

BPDSurvivor

 

Thanks for the tag @Shaz51 

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

We are all here on our journey to support each other. I am new here as well and only can relate to you as I had a kind of similar post months ago. Most of what I saw there are people who as a couple for a long time until something finally breaks. In my case, it was my son's attempt to suicide because of his undiagnosed mother's BP/ND.

When she finally got diagnosed whole new world of understanding uncovers to us. 

Sad thing is that I had to tell her that I am going to leave if she does not undertake treatment which she is rejecting.

So yeah it is though I would suggest call SANE they will find somebody. 

But just a word of cousins it takes a lot of effort and mental strength, my family is all under psych supervision, and sometimes I do not know who is crazy between us due to my wife's very clever twisting sentences.

I just started to read the book: https://read.amazon.com.au/kp/embed?asin=B00B60DRKI&preview=newtab&linkCode=kpe&ref_=cm_sw_r_kb_dp_i... 

 

There is a long learning curve. Take care of yourself (gym, friends, meditation, psychologist) and kids. 

 

Re: New Member. Where in Perth can he finally get BPD diagnosis?

Hello @eskimos @Healing_Journey @BPDSurvivor @Determined @Shaz51 @Anastasia @Eve7

 

I have read your stories, thank you for sharing and want to encourage you all to keep hoping on !!! Best wishes to you all from Melly

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance