Lived Experience Forum

[BabyHowYaFeelin]

I've had serious mental illness for many years at various stages of relapse and recovery. It's been bad. Hospital, ECT, TMS, etc. Despite this, I somehow landed a job at the height of my industry. To be clear, I don't have, "high functioning" mental illness that some people talk about. It's debilitating, and I can tell that my cognitive functioning and executive reasoning is affected. I take A LOT of leave. My work and boss have been exceptional, but I feel guilt and know my performance is not good enough. I keep on feeling I'm not good enough and question how I even got this job. I answered honestly about my sporadic job history, but not thoroughly because my on-off job history is a long story. My knowledge about the work is good, but I'm unreliable, feel unstable and sometimes crash under stress others handle fine. My colleagues are at the top of the top. They are super-performers in all aspects of life out of work - fitness, hobbies, etc. I'm out of my league. I am doing well to stay employed and function on the most basic levels - daily shower, eating ok, sleeping, etc. I feel so inadequate. This is not just imposter syndrome. It's deep feelings of inadequacy and intense fear to lose this role. I love it so much, but I know I'm out of my league.

[greenpea]

@BabyHowYaFeelin  Hey BabHowYaFeelin can I first congratulate you on having a job! let alone a prestigious one. Speaking for myself I would love a job any job (not an abottoir as I am a vegan lol .....) but anything else would do but at the moment my brain is not functioning high enough for one. Be kind to youself and know that you are doing really well getting as far as you have. I know you probably wont believe me but it is true. Love greenpeaxx

[Millieme]

Hi, i struggle a lot iwht mental health and not able to work full time at the moment and struggling to come to terms iwth the fact that i doubt i'll ever be able to. I never feel like i am able to do enougb or be enough in any part of my life and its a crushing weight on its own. I know that it comes partly from myself but its so ingrained. I also read about imposter syndrome a while ago from a sane counsellor suggestion and it resonated iwth me At the moment im struggling to manage daily living also. sleeping and eating are a struggle. I keep getting told to keep going i guess. to use more strategies and skills for coping and all i feel like i do is survive from day to day. Not really any suggestions for you, just hearing you and sharing my own experience.

[BabyHowYaFeelin]

Thank you @greenpea What you said is so true. 3-5 years ago I was trying to stay alive minute by minute. It was excruciating. I lost my ability to speak.   I'm so thankful to have a job, especially this job. I just feel like I'm living a lie. Nobody knows "that me," ya know? 

[Kurra]

@BabyHowYaFeelin
Firstly Congratulations on your significant successes in the workplace!
I too have had similar feelings such as you have described, so I have some understanding of how you may be feeling.
Eventually I realised that the promotions indicated that the people who selected me for these positions saw a person who they believe is the person they wanted in that job. OK that realisation indicated to me that my perception of myself might be skewed. At this point I found the determination to prove to myself that even though I have a mental illness, I can be am am as good or better than the rest. I worked hard an often put in additional hours to produce work of the highest quality possible. It gave me the strength to make me go to work even if I felt white.
It took me a long time to really start believe in myself and my own capacity but I was able to continue working past retirement age.
It's obvious you are valued by your workplace. This is not something I truly believed until I was selected to be on standby and leave retirement by returning to work. I don't have a start date yet but it does prove to me that I was and am remembered as a valued employee.

I do hope that a little of my history will help you a bit. Please write back and let us know how you're going.
Hugzzz 💕

[BabyHowYaFeelin]

Thank you, @Millieme  It helps to hear from you. I once thought that exact thing. Sometimes I still think it. How am I the same person as the person who was afraid to make eye contact with anyone else? Whose biggest accomplishment of the day was to get out of the bed to go to the toilet? I saw some pics of me back then, and my eyes were hollow and blank. I thought I would be institutionalised the rest of my life. It doesn't make sense. I question if the people in my life now would still accept me if they knew about these things. As they see glimmers of my illness on my bad days, this is what I fear. Not being accepted despite conquering the biggest challenge of my life - severe  mental illness for nearly a decade. 

[BabyHowYaFeelin]

Thank you @Kurra. I think that's something I'm concerned about - my legacy. If I were to be laid off due to COVID-19, I'm not sure they would re-hire me or give me a glowing recommendation. I'm definitely not producing my best work and haven't been for about 3 or 4 months. Lots of things have happened like injury, major loss, family and friend tragedy and drama (mostly out of my control), but they have been BIG things that seem to keep coming up. They throw me and have been nearly non-stop. I'm not coping, and I don't want to be back where I was a few years ago. My partner is on the fence about staying with me because he endured the bad years but is unsure how he feels about me anymore. That adds a lot of uncertainty and pressure, too. I feel like I have to be "on" 100% at work and home because of that. I have to keep proving to him and quell his fears that I'm not going to be ill again. It's exhausting, and I can feel myself slipping into illness again because of the pressure. 

[greenpea]

@BabyHowYaFeelin  ohhh don't listen to that voice of doubt you say ' What you said is so true. 3-5 years ago I was trying to stay alive minute by minute. It was excruciating. I lost my ability to speak. ' .....  those words in themselves show how much you have achieved to be where you are. Maybe if you are on antidepressents they could be twigged a bit to help with those low moods. I know for me my antidepressents really help to take off the edge of my depressive moods. Take good care of yourself. Love greenpeax