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Littleshining1
Contributor

Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

My partner has been chronically  I'll the last 18 months since his early childhood trauma surfaced again, he has stopped working and is home all the time. 

Last September I reached the end of my tether and almost left as I had big stress at work, my own prod to deal with and he was refusing to get any help. He finally started getting help, he went to a men's help group that helped, but it's very slow going. It has taken til now for himto find a Therapist he feels comfortable, third times the charm!

what I'm really struggling with is We have a real lack of intimacy a and also he is really easily triggered so normal romantic things can spin him out for days. I firstly feel like I'm starving for affection and connection, though there is a lot of love between us. And I end up walking on egg shells, it's like holding your breath. I feel so miserabl. I go through phases where I just make myself busy so I'm not at home. 

I do my best to look after myself with yoga and exercise and nice treats but I just don't know what else to do to cope. 😞 

id really love to here how others cope with situations like this, I really love him and believe he will get better but it's so hard.

18 REPLIES 18

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

Hi @Littleshining1

Welcome to the forum.
Unfortunately I don't have any answers for you but I just wanted to touch base to and say you are not alone.

While our individual circumstances may be different what you are saying re intimacy sounds like a parrot of what I constantly think but have never had the courage to say out loud, even to a councillor.

Intimacy and affection I think (for me anyway) are basic survival needs even when things are going well but more so when was as individuals are struggling ourselves. Sometimes it would be nice to be the one being held and told 'it will be ok' rather than the other way around. I too love my wife and will do what ever it takes to support her but it can be quite lonely at times without that connection.

As far as what I do to cope? I just accept it (sometimes more grudgingly than others) by trying to understand that engaging is just as hard for my wife as lack of engagement is for me. I would also be interested in anyone else's thoughts as to coping strategies.  

I trust you can find the strength to get through this and support your partner while remaining well yourself.

 

 

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

Thanks. It's painful but I'm hanging in there. Went out with some friends tonight. Self care, self care, self care!

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

Welcome the the forum @Littleshining1

You're absolutely right about self-care and nurturing yourself will do a lot to keep you going through hard times like this.

Have you considered getting some therapeutic or counselling support for yourself? I'm sure there are groups or counsellors who do one on one work who might specialise in areas such as intimacy. Hopefully your partner begins to feel ready to explore this with you again once his own inner work starts to impact him for the better. 

I certainly hope you find solace and support on this forum.

Shel49

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

@Former-Member have a psychologist and psychiatrist and other than helping me deal with my stress by supporting my self care and choices about what is best for me, (and manage my own mental health I have bipolar and ptsd) they seem to  to have nothing else to contribute.

i am aware of other specialist to work on intimacy and sex therapy and maybe that will be helpful in the future.

my partner is willing to work in the intimacy issues and is getting help from a psychologist...it's just gonna take time. 

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

Hi All 🙂

@Littleshining1 it sounds like you've got a lot to try and manage at the moment. Your sense of yearning for intimacy, connection and affection is understandable and something I'm sure others can relate to. Sometimes sucha topic is hard for people to talk about so thank you for bringing your experience into light here. I wonder if connecting with others here on the forums can help, even if only in an ever small way. 

Sane has a number of blogs we write and I had a look through to se if any might be of interest to you. They can be found below. 

Looking after yourself as a carer

Sex, intimacy and mental illness

@Sherry has a partner with PTSD. Perhaps she has some thoughts or discussion that she might like to add? There's also this thread where @Determined and @Darcy write about the up and downs of having a partner with a mental illness, which you might like to take a look at.

Take Care and I hope you all have a nice weekend 🙂

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

Hello @Littleshining1 Heart

How are you tonight xx

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

Hello @Littleshining1

It can be quite difficult to raise matters of intimacy, but I have had to speak up. My husband was given a drug whilst on a treatment order that resulted in sexual dysfunction. After being in hospital over 4 months he finally had day leave and he was really upset when things went pear shaped. I was the one who had to let the doctors know. It was really upsetting for him and his confidence which was already low took a further dive. It was not till a couple of months later they began to taper the drug down. After discontinuing the drug he found intimacy very difficult and a I had to give a lot of encouragement for him to even try, I would not ask often, but it took 4 1/2 months for him to be
able to perform successfully.

However, since being in hospital he tells me his libido has dropped, which will in part be due to the meds he is still on. He still does other things for me but I no longer get the gentle touches and I miss them. To get some bedroom action, sometimes I need to remind him of the importance of demonstrating our love for each other in this way. I think it is really important for him to know that he still needed in that way. A lot of people with mental illness end up on their own due to difficulties finding or maintaining relationships and a common denominator of what they feel is lacking is a desire for a partner and employment.

It is not easy, we went out for our wedding anniversary this week. He hardly spoke through the meal, we ate, came home, he was agitated about something and went to sleep on the recliner. A typical mental health non celebration.

I am fortunate in many ways, Mr Darcy does not self medicate with alcohol or drugs, he is compliant with medication. He does do things for me like getting brekky ready each morning giving me an extra 1/2 hour in bed. I do thank him for doing these things and letting him know it is appreciated.

Darcy

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

I don't have any advice but feel like I'm in a similar situation. Especially with the walking on egg shells. I'm so angry at him but fear any critisism will push him over the edge so I'm just focusing all my attention on him and forgetting about myself.

Re: Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)

@Former-Member thankyou for sharing your intimacy problems - sorry struggling to find the appropriate words to use in this conversation - I feel like nobody else can understand my feelings as my Partner is also highly medicated, changing meds in hospital at times and seems to be unlikely to ever magically become super functional , employed more than casual basis occasionally and maybe never again quite the interactive, intimate, sexy partner I met 20 yrs ago and fell in love with ... the guilt about feeling sorry for myself re our lack of intimacy and considering finding it elsewhere secretly is overwhelming ... I haven't cheated or seen a sex worker YET ... but not sure I want to live a sexless life myself ... and YET I love my partner sooooo much and never want to betray or upset or cause more damage than they have already experienced at the hands of others in younger life ... I feel sooooo stuck - I lose my integrity or I lose sex ?
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