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Casual Contributor

I don’t matter

I am glad I found this site, hope i matter here... I am a mother of 2 adult kids.   I left my country when they were 5 and 6yrs old, for greener life opportunities here in Australia. Indeed their lives are now much better and I don't matter to them now.  At this pandemic times, most parents are very much cared by their children, whereas me, at 60yrs old, living on my own and so alone, no calls, no replies to my pleas...  I wish covid takes me instead of those who are wanted and loved by their families.

8 REPLIES 8
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Re: I don’t matter

@ChokingV  Oh sweetheart you do matter. It is hard getting older when the children move out and start making lives for themselves. It is a chance however to re-invent yourself. To make a new you through work or study. To meet new people and perhaps make new friends. Even through such things walking groups for example which are free and advertised online.

 

ChokingV you are always welcome here and are valued here on the Sane forums. We are a caring group who have many threads which you might find of interest. For example the good morning thread which actually goes on 24 seven Smiley Very Happy. Have a look around the forums and when you feel up to it post or maybe you would like to start your own threads the choice is yours. I hope to see you around. Love greenpeaxxx

 

ps: if you want to talk to anyone put a @ infront of their name like I did for you and they will receive a notification of your post..

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Re: I don’t matter

@ChokingV I am hearing your heart - and holding space for your sadness.   

 

It is a difficult place to be when your children are becoming more independent and perhaps not as focused on caring as they could be if they really understood how their lack of connection makes you feel. 

 

Have you considered having an open conversation that is not about how they have failed you but about how you feel about the lack of connection with them.  ie Not shaming them for not meeting your expectations, but focuses on how you feel about the absence of them in your life.  ie I really miss you and I feel lonely when I am unable to connect with you regularly and I would really value having some time with you.


A story to highlight why not shaming them is important.  My husband's grandmother was from Germany.  We have a saying in our family - "You don't ring, you don't come around", which we pull out and parrot when one of the family members is not engaging with the rest of the family.  This saying comes from my husband's grandmother whose regular complaint to any family member who would listen, on every occasion when you visited her, was, "You don't ring, you don't come around".  Nowadays she is passed, but the legacy of her complaint remains.  When she was alive the whole family groaned when she repeatedly said this to the family members.  She would ring up and complain about their absence in her life, which made them less motivated to visit her because when they visited she would repeat the complaint.  They were always being made to feel like they were falling short of her expectations.  It was not helpful for the relationship and hindered a real warm connection that respected each person's choice to be engaged in the relationship.

 

I really hear your loneliness and I appreciate that the COVID pandemic is accentuating that feeling of being alone.  It may be a time for considering how you are looking after yourself.  I know for me, as a carer of five family members, I have had to take stock of myself.  I have started a weight loss program because I seriously had not had the energy to focus on myself as so much of my energy has been focused on keeping my four children alive through the horror teenage years and supporting my partner who has been very incapcitated with mental and physical health issues.  I am starting to get some good air into my lungs again because of the good nutrition after a long time of running on empty.  But I have had to make decisions that I matter and that I need to put my needs to the front.

 

As human beings we tend to be a bit focused on how others should be meeting our needs and less focused on how we can be proactive in having our needs met.  Often times the need for support from those we most want to be connected to gets communicated as demands or disappointment at not having that need met, which perpetuates the need not being met.

It may also be helpful to suggest a regular meeting time with your family members and be intentional about making that a fun time to get together, whether it is a skype or zoom conversation once a week, fortnight or month or a planned face-to-face meeting.  The connection is the important thing and having a purpose for the connection can be helpful. For example, I have just started meeting intentionally with my youngest daughter once a week/fortnight depending on her availablity.  Prior to my initiating this time when I could pass on some wisdom to her, she had been so independent that I rarely head from her.  Lucky to hear from her once a month or more as she was living independently and working and had a boyfriend.  Now I see her at least once a fortnight and our time together is really rich, as I am helping her and there is something tangible in the connection for her.  Perhaps if you could consider what might make it attractive for your kids may also be motivating to them.  ie a meal together, a meet up at their favourite place, a sharing of some family wisdom or information etc.

 

Anyways, just some thoughts from me.  Connection is vitally important. Stay connected here.

 

Cheers

Hayley

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Re: I don’t matter

@greenpea... do they have to shut their mother out from their lives now after nannying my grandkids for years?  I just want a relax living at 60 yrs old after those years of childminding so I moved out but the price is heartbreaking... I am blocked!  I asked nothing but relationship with my children😢😭😢

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Re: I don’t matter

@ChokingV  Have you spoken to your children and expressed the pain that you are in? I can feel it in your words. It is heartbreaking to hear you so sad Smiley Sadxxx

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Re: I don’t matter

@HayleyFromWA ... thank you, such a comfort knowing there are kind hearts here for me.   So much to tell but my heart is so heavy, my only one kidney is so stressed and I am afraid I can not pen them all here.  For now I can only tell that after 5 and half years of living with one of my kids nannying my grandkids I decided to move out and rest my aching body. The price I pay for my independence is rejection!  I am blocked, can't even see my grandchildren.   I tried reaching out again and again, pleading and begging but the more I am despised. Their rejection has now landed me to cardiologist visits as my BP is affecting my only kidney😭😭😭

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Re: I don’t matter

@greenpea Yes I called many times but not answered.  I sent text message If we can talk but the only reply from my son was, he'll think about it. I waited and waited but no calls.  Their rejection is weighing me down.  This distress has now landed me to cardiologist visits as my only one kidney is hurting too.  Nothing can make me sane but relationship with my children😭😢

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Re: I don’t matter

Hi @ChokingV ,  

Thank you for sharing your experience with us 🌻 

 It is great to see you connecting to some of our members already! Please know we are all here for you on the forums to support you through this difficult time Smiley Happy

 

I am sorry to hear how your distress has affected your physical health. Besides the forums, have you talked to someone about these feelings? If you feel up for it, I want to recommend the SANE Help Centre. They are available weekdays (10am-10pm) via phone (1800 18 7263), webchat, or you can also book a call with them here.  

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Re: I don’t matter

Hello @ChokingV 

I highly recommend calling the help line, it helped me. I'm sorry you're sad, you do matter ❤️

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