Lived Experience Forum

[Calmblueocean]

I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me or anything like that. I just need some advice about how to deal a bit better with the loss of a friend.  Whenever i go somewhere or see something that is really nice or any little thing it always goes through my head " oh yeah  i will tell my friend about this" and then i have to keep telling myself that i can't because he's dead. It happens everyday. All the time. Like i have to keep reminding myself that i will never be able to talk to him ever again. I find so many things i want to tell him about but he is gone.  I miss him a lot. I know it is supposed to get better with time but this constant forgetting that hes dead and then reminding myself is really hard. I go for a drive in town and keep seeing his car thinking o there he is i will wave.  He was not a boyfriend or anything like that but he was a good friend for about 15 years and he taught me so many things and i could ask him anything. I feel a bit lost.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Calmblueocean , I know you said you don't want anyone feeling sorry for you but that's so sad, I'm very sorry you went through that.

I understand grief and losing loved ones, not friends, but family for me.

I really do understand how hard it is, feeling like you can see and talk to them then reality sets in.

For me, sometimes I like to look at things that remind me of them whether it's an item you have, a photo, whatever.

I also like to try and remember the good moments, laughs, etc. although I understand that it's hard because you can no longer recreate those memories and make more.

I'm sorry for your loss. Sorry that I probably didn't help much but I hope that helps you in some way. You're not alone, good on you for reaching out for some advice.

[France]

Yes of course. I did that and to some degree with the loss of my daughter. 

I would pass a pretty dress and the first thing coming I to my mind was how she'd love this green dress or shoes. Then I would burst into tears.

All I can say is that the more we love and are close to someone, the harder it is. 

They say grief has stages and we all go through this in some kind of degree.

What has helped me was drawing and I studied social work and help others. Also, joining a group of mothers who lost their children did help me more that I'd like to acknowledge. I suppose it's the peer support. Works so well.

Hang in there. 

[Former-Member]

@France I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter

[France]

@Former-Member 

Thank you

It was 25 years ago.

[Calmblueocean]

Thanks @Former-Member . I am trying to stay happy and just carry on as normal because that is what he would want. The problem is that every thing that made me happy i would tell him about because he would be happy too. Where ever i go i see places we would go. This whole place has memories even out in the bush. I think it is just really raw still. I have had others die but he was different. A bit of a mentor i guess. No one will ever replace him. I guess every new day will get easier. He put up with my little idiosyncrasies and treated me with respect. Hard to find people like that. Thanks for your advice. I will remember the good times and laugh to myself. What the hell. I am already a bit crazy. 

[Calmblueocean]

I can't begin to imagine the loss of a child. I have a son and sometimes i think he's the only thing keeping me going. @France thankyou for sharing that with me. The memories stay with you don't they. 

[France]

@Calmblueocean 

Yes memories stay a life time.

[Former-Member]

@France I'm so sorry, the pain and grief never goes away though. I lost loved ones in 2013 and 2015 (family) and still grieve for them everyday.

@Calmblueocean you're welcome, I really do understand how difficult it is. I'm glad you had a lovely friend and that they were happy when you were and about the same things. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry my advice isn't the greatest, thats just what I try and do personally, some days it helps, some days it doesn't. I guess it's different for everyone.

I also tell myself there's no time limit on grieving, not just the anniversaries of the passing or birthdays, or other dates.

[Former-Member]

@Calmblueocean , sorry for the lost of your friend. I know your pain. 

I lost my best friend 6 years ago, she was only 29. We use to joke that she was my wife and my husband would have to share.

I don't think anyone can really help with tips because grief is personal, it's different for everyone. Remembering all the good times is definitely a good suggestion but if it's still raw that will almost always upset you. As much as it sucks it is just time. 

I talk to Kylie like she is still here, I pause for her response, I laugh and cry with her when I need her and hell I even get angry at her for leaving. All this is apparently normal grieving. With every milestone that our kids have I miss her. When my husband left me I missed her because she would have moved in to look after me. I am sorry I am probably not helping. 

Take your time grief is hideous and no one can tell you how long you should grieve. ❤️