07-11-2019 01:41 PM
Hi and can I just say I am right there with you on the the total exhaustion, confusion and all round pain you're in, so please don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. I'm going to be blunt as ask why is your ex living with you and why is he your responsibility? The arrangement is clearly impacting on your health and your new relationship, your daughter has to stay elsewhere, your life is on hold and seems to be going backwards - for your ex partner? I can understand being supportive of someone you had a relationship with and have a child with but where is the boundary? I honestly don't say this with any bad feelings intended, I'm honestly confused. I have bipolar 1 myself and am not in the best of places, I am told daily that I should ditch my partner of two years because of the behaviours his schizophrenia brings and I am sick of repeating that I won't kick him out because I love him so trust me, I know how it feels to have people ask. Boundaries need to be made and enforced and it appears there is none?
07-11-2019 02:56 PM
First of all, thank you SO much for getting me through these last couple of days. We've all come up for air now and things have settled but because of all this amazing support we all have a much clearer path forward.
You have no idea how comforting it is to have people who just
@JT not at all! Honestly I've been asking myself the same question for some time now and basically it's because of my guilt.
He's a wonderful person, with a lot of talent but he had a hard life and has been abandoned a lot. His mum passed when we were still together about 3 weeks after our daughter was born. There's a lot of messy history.
We have decided to create some solid bou diaries and ask him to move out end of Jan which seems like a reasonable amount of time to sort things out.
Y'all have been instrumental. I daresay I'll be back soon haha.
Thank you thank you thank you 💖 💖
07-11-2019 03:08 PM
That's fantastic news @Nebulana
I am really glad you are setting some boundaries and asking your ex to move out and the end of January is giving him enough time to find somewhere else to live. I really hope he has figured out that he has worn out his welcome with you and your new partner - at the end of the day we all have to stand on our own feet after all
There is no need to feel guilty about defining your rights and learning ways to maintain an environment with as little stress as possible. There is no need to feel guilty about tough love. We are not responsible for other people's behaviour
I am glad we have been helpful for you - it's good to hear and yes - come back - you will be welcome - try reading other threads here and getting to know some of us - the people here are good eggs
07-11-2019 03:21 PM
I get that @Nebulana . I feel guilty about thinking of what life might be like if I took everyone's advice. Sums up my partner too only his mum is alive and equally exhausted; he just believes she isn't his mum and him real mum is dead. Good luck with the boundaries and everything. I know from experience it all gets worse before it gets better but remember it's better for everyone in the long run including him.
08-11-2019 08:13 PM
10-11-2019 01:49 AM
@Nebulana Hello i am not a carer but I have been diagnosed with BPD and I just want to say that it is OK to set boundries with someone who has a mental health issue and it is ok to ask them to sort themselves out (not in a rude or unreasonable way). His past issues should not be made into your now issues and it is sad and horrible that he didnt have a good life but that is not and should not be made your issue to deal with. yes it is hard and it isnt his fault either but it has happened and now it has to be dealt with.
I have a number of friends with BPD as well and in my experience while the behaviours are not deliberate mostly they are just a resopnse to feeling out of control inside. it is like there is a huge storm inside you all the time and you feel like you are constantly trying not to rain on everyone else so you snap at them but actually you are snapping at the storm monster that wont leave you alone for 5 minutes. have you looked into if there are any DBT programs in your area? DBT didnt get rid of the feelings but it can be super helpful with communication in relationships. actually for me it was communication in general that it helped the most. finding other ways to express myself that others could understand better and other ways to get my needs met really reduced arguments with me and my family members. some DBT programs even have options for a family member to go as well so you can do it together if that is somthing that would help. anyway i hope things are going well for you.
15-11-2019 10:33 PM
30-11-2019 12:24 AM
Remember the song, "You gotta be cruel to be kind, but in the right measure?"... the more I think about this type of behavior (not taking responsibility for one's own life), the more it makes sense.
You see, while we support these behaviors by pandering to the person's wants & needs... the more damage we do to them, as we are allowing it to continue. Sometimes walking away can help the person more, sometimes not. BUT... that is not YOUR responsibility. That is theirs. You are responsible for your own life and happiness, and if you are sacrificing your own desires because of another person who simply refuses to take responsibility... then I would move him out quick smart and make it known that it is his primary responsibility to care for himself. Sometimes letting go is the more caring option for both parties. Your primary job is to care for your self FIRSTLY. If you do not put your own needs in front of someone else's, then you are not valuing your self or own needs.
Guilt robs a person from living their own path, and at the end of the day, when you're laying on your death bed looking back on your life, you don't want to have regrets over the desires you never fulfilled, but so very much dreamed about experiencing, because you gave your life to another, who simply sucked you in to being a victim of their manipulation and self-centreredness.
There comes a point where you must draw the line - and put your own needs first. This is not a selfcentred act, it is a selfish one - one of self love.
Everyone is where they are at in life, because of the choices they've made. It's not up to someone else to be their martyr. It's up to them to take responsibility and take action to change their situation, themselves.
How can a person grow and evolve if everything is done for them and they are wrapped in cotten wool? They can't. They remain at the same level of lower intelligence throughout their lives.
Sorry if I'm ranting. This is the first time I've visited this site and posted. I'm having a hell of a time with my 13 year old son who is defiant, disrespectful, manipulative, and possibly has dark entities around him that influence his irrational violent outbursts that have become more frequent over time. He also has a loving and funny side to him. So I'm really confused. I'm starting to think differently about all of this now though. I'm sick to death of finding excuses for his disgusting behaviour... because I've been through many traumas in my life, yet I have always had the decency to treat others with respect, and I don't see how his traumas should make it ok for him NOT to. He gets totally out of control, screaming, throwing small items or punching doors, etc...and it's a mirror image of behaviours I've seen in older men. Yes there may be a nutritional deficiency, unresolved trauma, etc, etc.... but as an adult behaving in such ways... NO ONE ELSE is responsible for their life, but themselves. They are making the choice to not seek help. They are making the conscious choice to play the victim role and hand their power over to others to care for them, while they just suck the lifeforce out of their carers with their constant negativity, neediness and co-dependancy issues, never getting off the perpetual wheel of darkness. Never changing for the better. They just become a long-term burden on everyone around them, when if only they did take responsibility for their situation... they would see their entire life turn around, and for the better, in many ways. I'm not going to allow my son to take away my lifeforce. It was given to me. It is not is to have or own. He will learn that the hard way if need be. I am drained, miserable and depressed, because I know another tantrum will come in due time... but I will NOT put up with this for much longer as he has totally taken away all of my happiness. I can't even sincerely smile about anything anymore. I am angry at myself for not making him responsible in the beginning by taking accountability for his actions. But I am certainly going to make sure he does from now on. Because I am on the edge... like never before.
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