Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Theodora]

Hi,

I have a young adult friend who I’ve supported through the last few years. It’s come to my and others attention lately that she is becoming over reliant on me and is being here with my family at the expense of her own family and friends.

she has a history of trauma and loss, and is emotionally unstable. She shows all signs of an anxious anxiety style. 
we don’t know how best to advise her. We all feel like although it will be hard, the best thing for her is probably to break the habit of being here.. she does not agree.. at the same time there is also the thought in my mind, that babies grow most independent if they are securely attached and so maybe she actually needs more security around her place here rather than less.

both opposing ideas and so it’s very difficult to come to an agreement with her support network, not to even mention her, as to what is the best way to go about this.

Thanks for any advice 

[hanami]

Hi @Theodora 

You sound like such an amazing person, caring for your friend so much. I can see your dilemma though in now knowing how to move forward regarding what's best for your friend. It's not healthy for her to cling to you but on the other hand you want to ensure she feels safe and that you can offer her that safety. I hope others can reach out and offer you some wise words. 

I'm wondering if a forum like this would be helpful for her. It would be a small step towards making some connections with like-minded people. I'll also link here to some information and fact sheets that you can have a read of and perhaps show here. 

Keep reaching out, 

hugs,

Hanami 💮

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Theodora,

Thank you for you post. It speaks a lot of you that you are concerned about your friend's wellbeing, you are obviously a good friend with her best interest at heart.

I understand about your concern regarding your friend's reliance on you, her attachment styles and the fact that she seems to be pulling away from her own family and friends somewhat.

I'm just wondering how does your friend's dependence on you sit with you and your family? It's great that you want to support your friend but is this okay with you and your family too? I can see your concern for your friend (which is great) but sometimes being a support person can impact our own needs - sometimes boundaries are good for both the person you are caring for and for the carer.

In terms of what is the best approach, perhaps taking into consideration everyone's needs involved, including your friend's, would be one way to approach the situation.

Wishing you all the best - your friend is lucky to have you.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[maddison]

Hi @Theodora 

Thankyou for posting and sharing your story. I find your experience & the two opposing thoughts you hold so interesting!

I think I can understand what you are saying & I agree with both @FloatingFeather @hanami responses. I would also like to echo how wonderful it is to know about your sernse compassion for your friend.

As mentioned, the best way to look at this situation could be in relation to the boundaries of you & your own family being respected. If only to fill your own cup, so that you can provide ongoing support to your friend!

Perhaps another way to look at it, would be to suggest some type of compromise. Maybe suggesting something like a 'temporary short break' with clearly defined time line - & then possibly re-group & discuss how each member involved felt affected by it? A sought of trial?

Perhaps, your friend would be open to taking on some type of responsibility that you could possibly allocate to them. Is there something you could suggest that would possibly give them an increased sense of self, an ability to feel stronger in themselves to move towards be more independent?

Maybe, if neither party feels completely comfortable with the idea of detaching just yet, each of you could work on some small goals that may help to ease this worry in a small way?

Thankyou for being a supportive friend, to your friend!

[Theodora]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It’s really helpful just to hear outsiders ideas, those without the emotional investment! 
We have been reading and thinking and think that detachment is step 2. Her secure attachment to me was disrupted 2 weeks ago when I went away for the weekend (another reason we want to reduce this…it’s very stressful when I go away- for her because she thinks I’ll never come back, for me because she is so super clingy and pulls out all sorts of things to try and stop me going and then has drama when I’m a long way away and so I can’t enjoy my own time) .. so we think step 1 is allowing her to securely reattach, and then start practicing detachment in small ways and see how we go.