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Rp79
Contributor

Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

Hi, my daughter has recently been diagnosed with bpd (amongst other things) and she was using drugs and alcohol for years to numb everything. She has given up the drugs and she did stop drinking for a while after her first admission in to psychiatric care.

 

She started slowly drinking again (2 large bottles of wine once a week or so if she had an exceptionally good or bad day) and then it started happening every couple of nights especially before she was due to be admitted for the 3rd time in 18 months. Her excuse then was that she wouldn't be able to drink for a month so she was doing it while she can.

 

She went from sort of working (she was going home early almost daily) to studying which would only last a couple of months tops before quitting. She worked for 2 or 3 months, 3 days a week at the beginning of the year but had to quit. She went back to studying for a couple of months before quitting again.

 

She is now applying for disability as she knows that she will be unable to work or study until she gets more treatment. I am fine with this as I understand her problems.

 

She has been living back at home with me for a little over a year. I have been paying all her medical expenses, food and clothing since she came back. She did help with meds and some counselling sessions while she was working part time but that is it. She does help around the house vacuuming and washing the floors plus some extra things if I ask.

 

In the last 2 weeks she has been drinking almost nightly. The money that she spent on that would have paid for all the meds she needs this week plus some of her food not even considering what alcohol does to your mental health. I have spoken with her previously about her drinking and the overall affect but with no improvement. I won't give details but with BPD, you can surmise what her reaction is. I know I'm lucky that she at least doesn't get abusive but I feel like I can't tell her anything without it resulting in a trip to the emergency room. 

 

There is little more help that I can get for her without winning the lotto on Saturday night (although I'm still praying that I might win at least enough to get her the treatment she needs). I know that things may not get better for a few years or more because of the limited treatment options thanks to covid and the idiots in the federal government.

 

So I really would like to know if anyone has any tips on how to word my conversation with her so that we may be able to move forward.

 

I'm sorry for the length but I thought background info may help. I'm barely holding things together right now. I was only paid yesterday but am almost out of money already. It's now almost 4 in the morning here, so it's going to be even less sleep than normal. Sorry, this wasn't really relevant, I just needed to let it out.

Thank you for your time and patience.

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

Hi, just an update. Tonight I came home late from work. I had spoken to my daughter earlier and asked if she could get the potatoes ready for dinner as I knew I'd be late. I rang before I left and found out that she had done the potatoes much earlier and were more than ready. She sounded obviously sober but a little annoyed that I was still at work (it was after 7).

When I came home she hadn't been drinking but did come out to say that she was going to get 1 bottle of red as she has decided that she is going to see the new year in sober for the first time it is has probably been at least 5 years so tonight will be her last night.

As she was in a good mood (thankfully), I spoke to her about how I was unable to sleep last night worrying about her drinking and how that affects her treatment (?). I also mentioned that I was unable to buy one of her expensive meds (off label for ADHD so not as important as the others) which she would have been able to buy herself if she hadn't drunk so much. Honestly, as soon as that came out of my mouth, I mentally smacked my head as I know it's important on how I word things but she apologised and said she understood my issue.

She has also committed (as much as she truly can) to reduce her drinking in the new year as she is getting bariatric surgery next year to lose the 50kgs that she has put on in the last 12 months due to her medications and depression struggles. For the surgery to be successful, alcohol should be avoided for up to 2 years which she knew about before telling me that she wanted to do it. We also have to pay a $250 deposit for the surgery next week which she has promised that she will contribute.

 

So anyway, she stayed true to her word and only bought a single normal sized bottle. That was 2.5 hours ago and she is still sober or at least not drunk. 

 

For the first time she is also in a positive mood regarding her psychotherapy treatments next year. Normally she is only like this when she is undergoing group therapy in the clinic. We are looking at doing some equine assisted therapy sessions next year that she researched (normally I'm the one who does it).  She has also admitted that her best psychologist she had when she was 14 worked so well because they did art therapy in that she did art while talking with the therapist. I still would like her to do MBT and schema therapy but I have suggested that we find someone who does art therapy as well. 

So all in all, I'm feeling much more hopeful tonight. I know that this isn't a straight line but that I should remember that the positive times do happen and to remember them when we're in the middle of a crisis. It is so easy to give up when things are bad and to get sucked in to the negativity of the time but I will try to remain positive.

Thank you for letting me share

Re: Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

So she hasn't gone and gotten a bottle of wine because I got upset when she told me she was going to go down and get one despite what she said last night. We were supposed to spend the night together sober and now she is holed up in her bed looking at her guinea pigs. I've just heard the little handheld vacuum cleaner start up so she's cleaning their cage. I suppose it's better than her doing nothing except putting herself down. I asked of she was going to come out and she just said maybe. What a fitting end to yet another year. I just hope we don't end next year like this one or worse.

Re: Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

Hi Rp79, keep up the fine fight

 

My son has just been diagnosed with BPD and i totally get what you are saying

Its been 10 -15 years of hard slog and drama after drama especially when alcohol is involved

 

It is such an insidious disease and unless you have it or live with with someone who has it it can be very very hard to understand 

 

I take my hat off to everyone who works so hard to do their best for their loved ones. It takes its toll. At times many hours of being out searching, not knowing where they are such as I have done twice over the last week. Putting up with outbursts that seem to come out of nowhere because of the inner turmoil they are experiencing. Picking up the pieces after theyve done something at the time they where in breakdown mode

 

It certainly at times feels like ou have lost all control of your own life and thats probably because you have

 

As i said keep up the good work and that goes for all of us parents, carers etc who keep fighting in the hope that they can improve and have some quality of life x

Re: Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

Thanks @Rusty7 

Today was a bit better. I go to see my Stepdad every Sunday to visit and help him with things, so I was away for a bit today but my daughter seemed pretty good and came out and spoke to me a few times.

I'm still researching some new therapy options and spoke to her about some of them and she was positive about some when we were talking about them. And she's now out of money for another week so at least she won't be buying more alcohol for a bit. 

Re: Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

Ok, has your daughter tried DBT 

 

My son is about to start it. I am hoping it will help. Have a good day

 

 

 

Re: Alcohol and BPD advice on a conversation

Hi, yes she has. She had a 12 week group course as an outpatient. It was good and we did see improvement, however it was by no means enough. 

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