Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Catsgirl-78]

So it’s been another testing week here.

My husband isn’t in a great place with his depression and fibromyalgia. And yes I also go very frustrated (and resentful at times) because of the way he is I feel like I do everything. Plus I have to go to work (he doesn’t work but is studying and currently on a 2 week break), so I’m juggling a lot.

I know he feels like he gets a lot of judgement and he feels people are ignorant to his situation. And to a degree that’s true….I can’t 100% understand what he is going through. People on the outside I’m sure are judging. But I’m a very empathetic person and do my very best to try and support in any way I can. I feel I do support by keeping all the balls in the air at home and with our daughter, however I doubt he even sees that. But this wears you down when it’s constant…it’s been literally years and yes sometimes it is incredibly frustrating and what feels unfair to me. Like me getting up early in the morning, running around like crazy getting myself ready for work and my daughter ready for school and he is still asleep. It makes me so mad at times. I’m constantly thinking, ‘why won’t you get up and help me.’ I know the sleeping is a result of the pain and depression, but it also makes me feel completely unsupported, particularly when I have to rush to get to work on time, and he has nowhere to go but only gets up at the last minute (and that’s by me nagging hime) once everything is all organised by that stage. My daughter is already dressed, fed and ready to go. All he has to do is literally get in the car and drive her to school. 

And then we get a cleaner once a fortnight. I run around like crazy getting the house in order so that they cleaner can actually clean and he does nothing. And yes, I’m pretty angry by the end of it because I have to do it all myself. And I’m trying to clean around him and he’s still in bed when the cleaner is less than an hour away. I have to ask numerous times for him to get up. He tells me he’s in terrible pain today. 
Sorry this is a bit of a ramble and rant but I just need to get it out. I know he has his issues, and they are significant. So that’s where I don’t know if it’s right to pull him up on it or just suffer in silence. He knows…I know he knows that it frustrates me. I just don’t know where to go sometimes…I can bring it up but the answer is always, ‘I’m in pain it’s not like I’m doing this on purpose.’

Anyway, once again sorry for the random ramble…I just need to tell someone who might be feeling a similar way.  

[Former-Member]

Hi @Catsgirl-78 

So much going on.

I am concerned for you.

What do you do to relax?

Sounds like no time.

A friend supported me for 8 years and then "broke down". My issue was not hers but she supported me. I did not undertsand why l was going through it and she was breaking down.

Your husband sounds like he knows he is in pain and cannot understand what your issue is.

Your issue may lead to Compassion fatigue. 

What Is Compassion Fatigue? Compassion fatigue is a term that describes the physical, emotional, and psychological impact of helping others — often through experiences of stress or trauma. Compassion fatigue is often mistaken for burnout, which is a cumulative sense of fatigue or dissatisfaction.

What can you do or stop doing to look after you?

Is your husband approachable for a good chat with you.

I think you need to find something to avoid further chaos if you burn out.

Strong people still hurt. (And break)

[tyme]

HI @Catsgirl-78 ,

I'm hearing you. I some how do not think it is uncommon for what you have described above. 

I'm not married, but I see it in my brother-in-law. He actually doesn't 'see' what needs to be done. Sometimes, I see my sister nag him and nag him, then she eventually just gets sick of it and just does things herself. Oh, they don't have 1, but 3 young children.

Unfortunately, things that may seem obvious to you and I, may not be so obvious to others. Have you tried sitting down and talking to him about some of these things? That is, really talking to him. 

Sometimes, it's easy to just let it all out when we've had enough, but maybe a sit-down chat with both being clam, will help? What do you think?