Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

Hi @Dark_Olena,

I agree with @Ellu that you should plan to do something really nice for yourself on Xmas day. You know, things will always keep changing... sons grow up and move on... it's inevitable. Nothing stays the same. Make a new tradition for yourself.... something just for you.

I am thinking maybe you have friend who dislikes Xmas, too. Then ask her to go to the movies with you on Xmas day and see a good comedy, or something like that.  

I personally have never liked Xmas, ever since I reached adulthood. I just think of it as a Summer Solstice celebration and feel glad that it only lasts one day. 

When I go to the shops and see all the Xmas decorations and all that rubbish I feel like I am in another world. A fake world. It's like an altered reality or something... but I don't feel like I can relate to it. I even find all that tinsel a bit creepy!!  lol.  Like you would need to drop acid to really enjoy that stuff! 

It's strange that my sister is the exact opposite to me and totally loves Xmas. She goes overboard on all the decorations. Her house becomes a weird temple to the Xmas gods (ie, to consumerism.)

[Change123]

@Sahara and everyone else.

I agree so much with what you said, I dont have kids just me and my partner and I just avoid the whole thing, stay home on the day and hide.  Like you I enjoy it for the weather and time off from work - I dont have any decorations either they just remind me too of this fake world we live in.  People seem to give such importance to keeping up appearances so to speak especially at this time of year and it is filled with such expectations (ie. you have to be happy, to have to think of others , you have to see friends, you have to buy presents etcetc).  

I'm not religious so the day doesnt mean anything but like you said its just about consumerism.

[Queenie]

I find Christmas time a major trigger for depression for me. Most Christmases I wind up in hospital because of this reason. However, having said that, I am being 'forced' into the festive season this year. My gf and her family do Christmas in a big big way and have already started their shopping and the lights on the outside of the house have been up since October. The tree went up last weekend and today the rest of the decorations went up. Her Mum read the Night Before Christmas and it put me in tears (luckily nobody noticed). I have tried to explain it's a major trigger because I think how my mother and brother are dead and I am ostracised from the rest of my family and never see them. In fact last Christmas I contemplated suicide many times, hence the hospital stay. However, I find it hard because they don't understand how Christmas could be difficult for me and say I "need to get into the spirit". My gf and her Mum play Christmas carols non-stop and right now they are watching a Christmas movie. I am not watching it because I don't feel much like crying right now and I know it'll create tears. I wish I could just skip December altogether because I am not even there yet and I am already feeling awful.

[Dark_Olena]

Hi Sahara,

Thankyou for taking the time to reply to my situation about christmas. I realise sons grow and make their own life. You make many good suggestions. I just thought that I meant alot more than that to them. To me its saying you mean alot to me and I will spend some of this day with you and with quality. Because his partner lives at home with mother and siblings, it feels like my son ejected from our homelife and into theirs. When I see him, its because his partner is working part time and my son needs to fill the day, so he comes home. I see the exhausted son, (I'm not complaining),  and they have the exciting parts of my son. I rarely see my son outside of the living room, when he turns up. Overseas trips, holidays etc picnics, theatre, ballet, concert, restaurants. I dont see my son in another location other than the main living room of our home, and then he is either passed out, from over work or busy running around looking like he is about to take off again. I should be happy he is even here, but then I feel when he does get his own place, how much will I see him, he still has a bed at home, be it 2 nights a week.

I appreciate your message though, Christmas isnt what it used to be.

I do have another son who has 2 small kids with a partner and they will pop in in the afternoon and my 19 year old daughter still loves christmas to bits. Simply I am not in the mood for christmas, when I see those ads, I even get panicky, like time is counting down and I had better put on that christmas happy face.

[Former-Member]

I spent the last two Christmases alone, broke my heart, just hide inside. Haven't put up decorations or tree since my youngest died. All my family of origin are too sick, too broke, too busy to bother coming here, it is about getting together. So I 'boycott' Christmas in my heart, do stock up on fruit and festive munchies not usually around, and maybe a gift or two, but really was just for the kids.

I think Christmas is more for boosting the spirits of those in Northern Hemisphere long snowy winters and and seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

[Ellu]

Dear Tawney,

I understand how you feel about Christmas. It is really a  family celebration, and if you don't have family around you it can be a heartbreaking experience, especially if you are not too well.

Can I offer you a radical suggestion? Why don't you get in touch with one of the big charities (the Salvation Army, St.Vincent de Paul etc). They all run programmes serving Christmas Dinner to homeless people or people who are severely disadvantaged in society. If you were to get involved with a project like that, firstly you wouldn't have to hide at home and secondly you will find it an immensely rewarding experience helping people in need. It gets back to the real meaning of Christmas, and you wouldn't have to do anything too complicated, just serve food. Why not give it a go?

I have bi-polar disorder but I manage to volunteer with several community projects, and apart from doing good it really lifts my spirits and makes me feel good about myself. 

Just a thought, but one you might like to consider.

Ellu

[Sahara]

@Ellu,

volunteering on Xmas day is a great idea and I would do it too if I weren't stuck at home cooking for 9 people. Having said all I have said about Xmas being fake and feeling inauthentic, I'm still going to do it... in my own way.

It's just a simple family celebration for us.... and I quite enjoy cooking as long as I get to do it all my way with no-one giving my advice over my shoulder!  

As for the gift-giving, I would rather shelve that completely if possible. What we do do is that all the adults in the family draw a name out of a hat and 'Kris Kringle" it.... each person olny buys one present and only gives one present. It keeps costs down. 

My friend is tying herself in knots because she is having troubles with her parents and even worse troubles with her only sibling and so Xmas is going to be very stressful for her. I advised her to book herself on a cruise over Xams so as she could escape!

She could just tell her family that she really wanted to go on a cruise and that the only possible availability left was over Xmas... a bit of a white lie, but why not? That is totally something I would do... i am a good escape artist. 

[Ellu]

Dear Sahara,

We, too, do a "Kris Kringel" for the adults in the family - it takes all the bother (and expense!) out of Christmas shopping. For those on a tight budget can I recommend giving something home made - some shortbread or biscuits attractively wrapped in cellophane. The other good place to find Christmas gifts on a budget is in op-shops. Some op-shops have very tasteful homewares and ornaments and the like. The last thing you need after Christmas is an enormous credit card bill!

Why is it we build up Christmas as something enormous in our lives? Let's keep it simple, as it can be a real stressor for those of us who are not feeling well.

Ellu

[Kurra]

Hi @Ellu
I've cooked for Anglicare Christmas dinners several times, the first time when I too was homeless. It's has been a truly wonderful way to give to others on Christmas Day.

The companionship, laughter, caring and sharing in the kitchen and hall is truly amazing. 💕🎶

[Dark_Olena]

Hi @Ellu,  thankyou for you support and suggestions. What you write sounds so freeing and liberating. My Christmases are changing and I'll adjust. I just got told today by middle son's partner they are not coming for dinner but rather, just stopping in. I just sat on the floor of my bedroom and balled for 30 or so minutes. I've cooked christmas dinner for 26 years.

So I feel like an obligation rather than someone to enjoy being with.

Today is a bad day.