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Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Hi @maddison 

 

How have you been?

 

Just came by the forum to share on a couple other threads - there has been some family drama recently, mostly because of my dad's behaviour. 

 

It's brought up a lot of old trauma. But I'm trying to focus on what's in my control and what's right for my mom's health. 

 

It's extremely hard right now to ignore others irrational behaviour and I wish I could react with kindness, understanding and patience but all I have is multiple thinking traps, stress, anger and impatience.

 

I'm trying hard to accept myself this way even though it's so far from my values. I'm trying to be compassionate and overcome others gaslighting by getting in touch with my inner child and reassuring her she's not what they're saying - it's hard to believe the words of self-compassion right now but I'm still trying.

 

I'm having to take a few really difficult decisions and I'm choosing to do what will give me peace of mind instead of accommodating others feelings, thoughts and behaviour and changing my original plan - I'm proud that I'm staying true to my needs and also the logical next step. 

 

It's hard to let irrational ppl be to stew in their own consequences and just move on, but I'm learning how to ignore irrational behaviour - I'm not very good at that but I can see why this lesson was presented to me. I need to learn how to observe behaviour and just let it be instead of going into shock + analysis mode to make sense of it - this is where lot of my unhelpful thoughts and feelings are coming from.

 

If I decide I'm going to do what's right for me, it is bringing some relief and empowerment back. 

 

It's the same ppl that have contributed to the original trauma, so it's really challenging coz everything is coming at me at once. I've set aside some worry time and trying to stay busy with my day at other times - it's very hard with the excessive ruminations right now... But I'm praying they will settle. Self love when faced with my dislike for my dad is extremely hard right now, but I haven't lost sight of it. 

 

I'm also doing some journalling and mindfulness 😞

 

Just wanted to share ❤️

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Hi @Shasan 

 

How are you? Thankyou for writing all that & sharing with me. I feel blessed that you would take the time & feel comfortable enough to share.

 

I can't write much now. I will reply properly soon. 

 

I have also been going through some 're-traumatizing' events. I wonder if it is similar to what you are experiencing? Wow, it's really hard to visit those times as an adult. The clarity is stark - it hurts. And then there is also the memories that come up & the emotional al pain that comes with them.

 

I wonder if this is also similar to what you are describing?

 

I will read your letter again properly tomorrow.

 

You have been in my thoughts from time to time.

 

I really like how you have described each hurt & obstacle within the frame of self love.

 

 

maddison xx 

 

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Hi @Shasan 

 

 

 

This is really tough. 

 

I have read your other posts, so that I could get clearer insight of what is going on with you.

 

 

 

I think I am getting a grasp on the many different angles you describe.

 

 

 

It's kind of a lot that the universe is asking of you right now. I can see how the many different aspects are causing some cognitive dissonance for you right now, despite the complex & amazing work you have done on yourself over the last few years. 

 

 

 

I think I could relate most when you mentioned, " if it was not for the care of your mother, your choice would be simple & you would cut them out (brother & dad)."

 

 

 

It seems they are poisonous. They affect your mental health negatively.

 

 

 

Is it curious that your mum & you have only recently made up? Is she asking for your help?

 

 

 

Personally, I think your summary of challenges in the letter you wrote me is MAGNIFICENT.

 

 

 

The strength & self awareness you are showing right now are Superhuman. I am getting some insight into my own abilities. I think our similar childhoods & innate core beings gave us strengths & awareness that many others do not possess. Ironically, I find it quite isolating!

 

 

 

I can see that you are outnumbered. It is 2 of them, 1 of you. They are there, you are not. It is easy for them to take the highground & dismiss your concerns, possibly the same way your mother was dismissed all her life. It would not surprise me if your kindness, & visible (to them) vulnerabilities are also being exploited to suit their own agenda.

 

 

 

I guess my input would be to remain true to yourself. It sounds like your foundation is strong. Much more so, than theirs. The self belief and self love you have is enough. I don't like the idea or phrase of ourselves being tested etc. I prefer to think in terms of having the opportunity to hone my already well established abilities.

 

 

 

Objectively, I am picking up on fear in your post. Maybe a fear that moving forward in the way you want with supporting your mum, will inevitably cause you damage, in the same way it has done in the past. 

 

 

 

My perception, from the way you write is that you have incredible self awareness & emotional intelligence. Is it possible that you have come further than you realise?

 

 

 

It sounds like you have an incredible amount of love to give. It sounds like this offer is underappreciated by some. I suspect that possibly, similar to me, you took on the mother role at a very early age.

 

 

 

I have love for my family.

 

 

 

I don't owe them anything.

 

 

 

I think we can take a scary & difficult path & be surprised that it is really easy!

 

I'm not feeling completely confident in my response to you. I guess I want to post  this to you so you can interpret the flaws, as well as anything you find helpful.

 

Thanks for being a great sis!

Maybe the best?!

 

maddison xo

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

@maddison I'm all washed up reading your response - I can't begin to tell you how reading it feels. I've read it at least 5 times!! 

 

Everything you say, to the letter, is accurate! Including the fear and conflict that I'm feeling of self-preservation vs taking responsibility for my mom once again..

 

But I ask myself, what next? What if I go there, leave my life here in Aus, she gets better and then I need to come back - what about the next time she stops taking her meds and it relapses? 

 

I'm also clueless where I'll stay with her coz I definitely don't want to stay around my brother,dad and their toxicity - may be a retreat for a few days. What then? 

 

Does she even need me? I wish she could say the word. I'm currently unwelcome there because they blame me for the relapse that occurred when I returned, when in contrary it was the happiest I've ever seen my mom in 35 years of my life.. 

 

Thank you for helping me reframe about lessons. I really like your format, it's more trauma sensitive and empowering and doesn't come from a place of lack. I'll borrow that and remember that I'm honing my skills.

 

It's a very real possibility that they're using the vulnerabilities, they have in the past and I was saved by some grace from making a massive irreversible decision that would have affected me in the long term. I never thought my dad would but he's definitely the same, if not as malicious as my brother.

 

He tried to guilt me, control and turn me against my mom - even when her condition is so bad. 

 

My realisation was similar - I had a few moments of clarity after talking about it here. I will do what feels logically correct for me about my mom's health. I will learn my rights in that country and will not be afraid to use it if required. 

 

I have to make some really tough decisions with extremely limited knowledge. I'm happy to take full responsibility for my mom but she'll have to move away from that house, her son and husband - I don't know if that's possible or safe for her. I can't bring her here full time either and can't move to

o my country full time either. 

 

So my options are:

- Check-in with the doctor and get updates about her health from him directly. 

- Drastically reduce access to my Dad unless he accepts counselling help and talks about my mom's progress - not only whinging, complaining about how it's affecting him!! 

- Visit my country for a few months and ensure she's back on meds and is able to decide what she wants to do logically. Live in a separate house to where she is right now too be away from the abuse.  She's 70 years old, it's hard for her to live on her own and age care isn't that great in that country. 

 

You're so right in highlighting the similarities in how my mom was treated and how I'm being treated now - they're uncanny!! Hence, my confusion around feeling attacked as well as triggered by old trauma.  

 

Thank you for believing in me and having faith in my abilities to cope with this. There's cognitive dissonance (thinking traps?) especially related to the anger and frustration about my family members, but I'm aware of them and have noted them down to heal from when I'm feeling better. 

 

Thank you so much!!! 

 

Hearing you say I'm a good sis means the world to me, especially when I'm feeling so lonely realising and grieving the loss of a family unit that I thought I had! ❤️ Thank you to you too - I feel the same way about you. 

 

Thank you for reading the other posts!! That's so over and beyond - I couldn't ask you any more than what you've already said, read and validated - May you be blessed!!!! 

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Hi @Shasan 

How are you going today?

 

Thanks so much for your reply. I am very grateful for your gratefulness!! 

Now you have made me feel all washed up. I haven't heard that phrase before. I think it means something similar to 'mushy'. A term my mother would use when I was young, to describe feelings of softness. 

 

My memories are confused if she was being authentic, or of it was used with an air of intended humiliation, when she would use it to describe how she thought I was feeling.

 

It is the trouble with difficult childhoods. It can be difficult to decipher what was real. Or it can be too painful to really accept.

 

Thus, why your words are fundamentally important to me. I can distinguish your authenticity. I can relate to your experiences. And I can believe & know what it feels like to be genuinely appreciated...... As I do you!! Having a sis is important to me too!!

 

 

I wasn't aware that you were in diff country to your family. 

Now I see, another layer. I have never experienced this. I can, in a very small way imagine, how the disconnecting & possible feelings of helplessness could be greatly amplified. Things could be further exacerbated, by being unsure of the other countries procedures, your legal rights etc. & how their level of health care may differ from Aus.

 

I can slightly imagine how you might be feeling in regards to wanting desperately to offer your support (& instinctively knowing how much you could help) & the horrible feeling of things being out of reach. It would be very hard. As, I said in previous post, my opinion is that you are handling everything in the best way possible. Self care, self love, self awareness.

 

Did you find your therapist helpful yesterday?

 

I really liked your bullet points. I find that it's a helpful way of expressing myself too. 

 

Phone calls to mumma bear are important point, I think. It's something you have total control over ( within context) aside from maybe having to speak with your Dad in the process. The connection & conversations between you & Mum cannot be ignored. It is a powerful tool you can 'exploit' (in a good way!) for yourself at the moment.

 

I'm glad you found my testing/honing suggestion helpful. Thanks for explaining how the origins differ. I can see now that testing implies lack. No I don't want to feel like that. Life is hard enough. I try to make everything as easy as possible for myself. The power of words is fantastic!

 

I am noticing lately, that I have been leaning in a direction that feels very easy. I have spent my entire life trying to prove myself & keep up. Putting unnecessary pressures on myself because I thought it was what I expected of myself. I always thought I needed to go beyond my capabilities to be content with myself.

 

I'm really liking the concept of things being easy.

 

I might update you soon on 'family progress??'

 

I can see my choices, I think. My clarity is improved. I'm not ready to make a choice & accept consequences yet. I need more time. I can't really say if I will ever be ready.

 

Your sis,

 

maddison xx 

 

 

 

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Your appreciation, gratefulness & kindness is one of the most lovely things I've ever read. Beautiful - in the true sense of the word. You are an amazing human! Thankyou for giving me your time & I believe you will navigate a clear path yourself. I know you are strong & intelligent...& I see that you lead with love! Thankyou for sharing your supreme positivity with me @Shasan. Blessings to you too!

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

I didn't know how to express how reading your words made me feel heard & that my voice was loud & important in my initial reply. I think I did, I didn't want it to get lost.

 

I have some feelings of sadness. Each time I encounter moments of validation or recognition, self worth it shows me, that what I believed all along, really is possible. It's sad that, who I knew I was as a child could not be nourished by the only people I had to depend upon.

 

{{You said something in another post about your inner child & that she could behave however she wants & do whatever she wants. My initial reaction was, 'no' - children have to behave a certain way. (Old tapes!) I like to think of my inner child free - certainly not the behaviour restrictions I understood. 

 

I have been considering the concept of boundaries with my inner child - similarly to the boundaries we use with others, that promote safety.}}

 

I understand that the past cannot be changed. 

 

Most importantly, the positivity I am fortunate enough to have found in my adult life empowers me & give me confidence to continue in the unfamiliar.

 

Thankyou xx

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Hi @Shasan 

It's 3 am & I can't sleep. I owe you a massive apology for my initial reply.

I remember now, I hated when my mother used that word. It didn't honour my feelings at all & was said as a means to inhibit or prevent my self worth & self identity.

 

I cannot fathom why it came into my head. I had not thought of it, before, that I can recall. I think maybe that our connection, triggers memories from my childhood that I had completely disconnected from.

 

I feel awful that I made that connection with you. Things must have become scattered in my mind & I was seeing memories through a disassociation with myself (best way I can describe it) I remember now - the person I am & the repulsion I feel at the cruelty endured.

 

I'm not sure if I had forgotten, or as an adult I needed to believe the lie that there was some hope. I was living with the foolish idea that perhaps as an adult, I would be more worthy of their love.

 

You are a kind, beautiful person. And I know you are going through your own very difficult time at the moment. You did not deserve that at all.

 

I feel very toxic at the moment. I am so sorry.

 

Again, I believe my mind was making connections, however they weren't the right ones.

 

I think tomorrow I am going to request the post be deleted. It does not deserve any place on this thread. I am sorry @Shasan You have every right to disengage with me & I would understand it.

 

I feel like my choice is very clear. I don't want any more of those poison people in my life. I do not hope for change. They are bad people. I won't ever have them in my life again.

 

I am very sorry. I feel like a horrible person & if not, I feel like I am psychologically unhealthy to engage with at the moment. I am going to step away for a few days, & see if I can trust my interactions actions again.

 

You are beautiful & kind. I'm sorry.

 

I do hope my mind remembers this time. It might take me a couple of days for my thoughts to adjust.

Re: Loving ourselves while healing from relationships

Hugs @maddison and @Shasan ,

 

You have both shared very deep and powerful viewpoints - both to be embraced 🙂

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