Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Teej]

Checking in @Faith-and-Hope . How are you? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Managing @Teej ...... thanks 💐💜

Treading water in between legal docs and action .....

Encountered The Smear Campaign at a legal level a couple of weeks ago.  That was interesting ...... none of it holds water though, which means at the end of the day it's primarily nuisance value.  He is very good at making himself a giant pain in the @¥$€.  And it's more stalling / sabotage / ink-cloud.  Hopefully any legal eagles worth their salt can see that this rubbish is only coming one way, and the return volley is only in defence, not attack.

Very tiring, but designed to wear me down ..... so I won't be !  Just returning balls over the net, one at a time, until the balls stop coming.

Piling on the self-care and busying myself with my studies when I am off-court.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @lola  👋💕

I haven't seen you for a while ....

[Determined]

@Faith-and-Hope   🙏

[Faith-and-Hope]

🤜🤛 @Determined 

[Teej]

@Faith-and-Hope , I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to get back here. 

Do you have a court date? I don't need to know but was just wondering for context. 

im so sorry you've had to endure the smear campaign. It's not fair at all. It speaks to his character though. I hope you find it a little comforting to know what set of character traits it belongs to so that it is less personal for you. 

My first time going through this my ex h would send all sorts of stuff to my lawyer to throw scanners in the works. She was so good at filtering them for me into things that were not important and nuisance issues, and those that we needed to act on. The second time I had a very different lawyer but she was very good at being proactive with things. 

Keep doing everything to not be worn down by him, I know you know this but it's all just a big bloody game of power. You will always win by staying true to you and fighting for what you deserve, and nothing less. It's been about six months now since my stuff finished and the financial stuff being sorted is a huge relief. I know you'll feel that too. I also know that you'll have to face him and his continuous power plays and being a :pile_of_poo: but having the heavy financial stuff over will free you up so much. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yeah, no court date yet @Teej ...... Ws2bxH has thrown so much :pile_of_poo: into the fan that we are nearly a year into our mire, without even a disclosured baseline in place yet.

The superficial nuisance mayhem goes with the NPD territory, so along with the emotionally abusive nature of his legal communications, this tiger is showing his stripes to the world at the moment - and you're right, it does help to make it feel less personal.  He just comes across as a spoilt brat who is not getting his own way and throwing a giant tanty.

The financial freedom to manage my own life and resources is something I am looking forward to, that's for sure.

I am so pleased all that is behind you now, and you don't have kids stuck in the middle.  That part I am trying not to think about for me ..... there is still so much ahead of me to get through yet.  Thank God for my studies.

I am a Nanna now, by the way ..... by remote, but mother and baby are both well ..... 💐💕

[Teej]

Oh that's fantastic news about being a nanna. Congratulations. So lovely to hear mum and bulbs doing well. I bet your hanging on that border reopening. 

I had suspected that the :pile_of_poo: would be trying everything possible to throw you off and not really deal with his decisions. It was his choice that he'll ultimately have to face at some point that there will be consequences. Wait for karma, that's what I was told by many. It comes in small but significant ways over time. The grass will never be greener on the other side for him, that reality check will come too I hope. You can't transfer one life to another like he has done without the grass being burnt off from not tending to it. Think I'm making :pile_of_poo:up as I go now too 🤦‍♀️😜.  But I do know that everyone thinks the grass will be greener moving from one relationship to another.....but there's a lot of personal work to be done before there's a new different kind of green grass again. It sounds like he's not even capable of that yet.......so long, story long, you stay strong and let him :pile_of_poo:in his own nest for a bit, because it sounds like he is. 

so so excited for your family news. Have you had lots of photos or is it fairly new news? 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Getting there with photos @Teej  😏, but still fairly new.  I am so pleased for them, but it's bittersweet - not only for the distance, but also the emotional roller coaster and financial mess across the whole family.

There is an NPD cycle in terms of relationships, and apparently it speeds up with successive partners  ...... he is following the NPD patterns with everything he is doing, and I mean everything, so closely that it's like he is ticking off a to-do list.   So I reckon he's begun the devaluation stage in his new nest, but still in the early stages when it's all subtle gaslighting and dissonance, providing him the next level of what is referred to as "supply".

As much as I am glad to have my studies, I am also glad he is involved in creating a new mess in another corner of his life, because it is helping to keep him in a conflict of interest, and will also show him up for what he is as the cycle repeats itself.  

Rather than the grass not being greener on the other side, it's more that he burns off the new grass, then goes off looking for some more somewhere else, only to burn it off again.  

And apparently they never do the inner work because they have no insight into themselves ..... and don't feel any need to change.  Life is purely transactional for them, but they will masquerade as anything they have to to achieve their objectives.  That is why it is so shocking and dramatic when they suddenly discard their former partner and whole way of life, and begin again as someone else, with someone else.  A whole new identity, dress code and all.

Thank you so much for being in my corner and sharing your experiences with me .... and you too @Zoe7.  Feeling the love ..... 

💜🌷

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope 😘🌹💕