Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Audrey]

My partner of 15 years has an undiagnosed MI. He has undergone therapy and seen psychiatrists however he disagrees with all the diagnosis. I refuse to Label him as I am not qualified and I absolutely am not impartial. He however has no issue with calling me names and giving me his own diagnosis, from narcissist to gaslighter, stonewaller, hpd to name a few. I have been in therapy and have investigated every diagnosis he has labeled me which have been inaccurate per multiple therapists. I am really struggling at the moment. At Christmas last year I could no longer cope and I left - his behaviour was so unacceptable and scary. I returned home with the agreement he would go to therapy and we would go to couples therapy. He has continued to go therapy but refuses to go to coupes therapy as he believes I am manipulative and make people like me and take my side. This year has been so hard for me. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and a week ago I lost one of my beloved dogs which has broken my heart into a million pieces. I’m grieving and again - it’s all about him, how unfair everything is (including my needs and grief) on him. As a people pleaser I will always put everyone else first but right now I just can’t and I’m so tired of his selfish behaviour. This is more just a rant. Im tired of feeling angry and hurt and frustrated and alone. 

[wellwellwellnez]

Hey @Audrey . You matter. Your grief matters. Your well being matters. Sending you love.

I'm actually unusually pro-self-diagnosis. No-one has more data on our experience than ourselves. I would also say the real goods is a diagnosis that can be agreed upon with our collaborators. (Or if not a diagnosis then some kind of nurturing pro-social framework). Diagnosis is, at the end of the end, a way to communicate important things.

When it comes to people that reject mental health care, yet embrace diagnosing people, I have one question. Are they looking for solutions or looking for excuses?

One answer is a MH conversation. The other answer is an interpersonal abuse conversation. It really is one of those things that you can't have both ways.

I can relate to being misdiagnosed by influential people in my life. These days I have my own working diagnosis. It doesn't solve all my problems but it helps guide the conversation. So a part of thinks part of the answer is finding a MH framework that you can agree upon. If there's at least will to find that framework, then there's hope. Otherwise, I don't what would work.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Audrey,

I just finished reading your post and I wanted to reach out to you and see how you are getting on?

From what you have said you have gone through quite a lot between your partner, your mother's illness and the loss of your beloved dog - I really feel for you and hope that 2023 is a much kinder year for you.

As someone that is also a people pleaser I really understand how you put others before yourself, even if it is to the determent of yourself. As I got older I started to realise that some people will take advantage of this and I began to realise that if I didn't start prioritising myself no one else would. It's not that I'm still not a people pleaser to some extent but now I'm more about finding the balance between taking care of others alongside taking care of myself. 

I would really encourage you to be your own best friend. What I mean by this is what would you say to your best friend and if you knew they were being treated in such a way by their partner? I would also encourage you to think about how things are different to last Christmas when you left. Did anything improve between you and your partner. I read someone that past behaviour is a good predictor or future behaviour - from my experience with people this is a pretty true statement.

I think the way to really prioritise yourself is through self love, self reflection and self esteem. You need to recognise you also need to be loved, cared for, supported and you also have the right to feel safe. No one deserves to be someone else's emotional `punching bag' for whatever reason. 

Here are a few phone numbers you may like to contact if you ever feel unsafe and/or you would like to talk to someone:

- National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service: 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732)

- Relationships Australia - information on relationship support services for individuals, families and communities (1300 364 277)

- Each State or Territory has its own network of services that can help deal with domestic and family violence. Find you local service in your area at respect.gov.au/services/.

The Forums are also here for you 24/7 if you want to chat.

Please take care of yourself and prioritise yourself. You have every right to feel valued and supported too.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather