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Looking after ourselves

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

@Shaz51  thanks for the links, I will have a look later. 

My life is completely out of control. Usually I have the strength to cope with it when he's like this, but as I've said, this has been going on for months now instead of just a week at a time. This morning he woke me up at 5:30 wanking in the bed next to me and then delayed me 20 minutes leaving for work because he couldn't find his glasses. I can't leave, it's my house.

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Hi @SJT63 

I hear you. My now ex, has c-ptsd and adhd. He was also rapid cycling and sounds very similar to yours in behaviours. I basically collapsed and found my own psychologist who essentially told me that I wasn't protecting myself enough and that separation was necessary. 

I do not know what more you can do for your partner. What you describe is exactly how I lived for two years. I had to make the decision to put myself first. I had no alternative. You can't support anyone when you're that scared and exhausted. 

Here for you in any way I can be.

Rabbit.

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

@SJT63 

Can I suggest you contact 1800 respect, they have counseling staff who are qualified to help.

 

https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Hi @SJT63 I don't have the same situation as you, although my daughter can have similar behaviours when she is highly activated. I'm not sure, but is it worth seeking some professional guidance & advise from a DV support service? https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/Find-Help/Support-Services has listings for each State/Territory, theres Lifeline & the link to 1800Respect posted by @Former-Member (I think).

 

I just want you to know that you have support on this forum & even though it can be the hardest thing to do when it involves a loved one, taking some steps to care for yourself is so important. Feeling for you & sending strength xx

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

A question comes to mind @SJT63 - Does your partner take any responsibility for his health by going to any therapy? 

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

@FindingStrength 

oh yes, he sees a psych every three weeks - and takes his meds every day - she has referred him back to a counsellor he saw before I met him, but he hasn't been back yet.

 

I have known him 2 years. I'm told he had a really good doctor that bulk billed him (he is on disability for fibromyalgia) but she retired. The one he sees now isn't really supposed to counsel him, she is just there to administer an experimential drug he is taking (for SI) but she is a compassionate professional and the 10 minute allocated appointment tends to run for an hour.

 

I send her an email a day or two before each appointment so she knows where we're at but I think half the time he forgets what they've discussed. I'm going to ask him to make notes because he says she is varying his meds, but three days later he's forgotten what he should be taking and goes back to what he can remember. ECT has wrecked his short term memory, and didn't work.

 

The big problem with asking him to take responsibilty is that when confronted with what he has said and done in anger he becomes depressed and threatens self harm... he is consumed with guilt afterwards unless I "draw a line under it and move on" immediately. This isn't as easy for someone who doesn't suffer mood swings, like myself, it takes me half a day to get over the stress of a 2 hour tantrum while 15 minutes later he's normal again.

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Tantrums-01.png

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

@Former-Member 

How to tell the difference... 

This is what I always struggle with.

 

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

thanks @Former-Member  "tantrum" was a word I came up with to describe to others as best I could what he was like without knowing it was a proper, referenced term - but looking at the bubbles he is definitely in meltdown. One of his main triggers is not being able to find something but that often brings on an avalanch of past grievances that simmer away in the background all the time.

 

He particulary "will not bargain"  - will not accept help, suggestions or compromise. His demands are completely irrational and most times unachievable. He often doesn't remember what he has said and done once it's over.

 

But time limited? He has a lot more stamina for this than I do.

 

I want my boundary to be permission to walk away or disengage from the conversation once we get stuck in the meltdown loop. At this stage that just makes him angrier. Something we both need to work on.

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

@SJT63 

When he has been calm, has your partner been able to articulate what he feels would help when he is in meltdown?

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