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Looking after ourselves

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

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Love your hints, thank you @Former-Member 

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

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Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Hello @Former-Member & others who read this. This is about an event that happened with my daughter who has BPD & I'm going to mention some of her behaviours - just a heads up on that incase its upsetting. 

I invite some opinions on what follows & am aware that I need to make my position clear with my beloved Ms19, which I will do hopefully tomorrow if she is stable.

So, tonight she was activated by something her ex said & got elevated very quickly into screaming, head banging & demanding things. She demanded that I phone her ex to tell him he has to listen to her. (I've been advised not to get involved in these triangle situations) I said that would only be possible when she was calm, which she screamed at me that she would calm down when she could speak to him. So, my reply was that if she could calm down then, then she could calm down beforehand. (I'm just speaking to her, hopefully, in a calm, matter of fact manner. I'm getting rather desensitised now).

 

Basically, I said no & only once she was calm. So, the head banging & screaming went on for a bit & I am observing. We already have a boundary around when I will call Emergency services that has been used several times, so I know when I have to do that. The ex did phone her himself a few minutes later & they talked for a long time & she did calm down after a while - even stating that she knows she misinterpreted what he said & she is trying really hard not to over-react & get caught up in negative thoughts etc. (Which is true, she is trying really hard).

My instinct tells me that I should not give in to demands of that nature, especially when it is coming from the BPD behaviours in a very big upset state. Not rewarding inappropriate behaviours. But - theres always that bit of doubt in me, so I'm looking for some feedback please. 

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Not getting into triangle situations sounds like wise counsel @FindingStrength .

 

If she is not aware of this boundary, ensuring that it is clearly communicated so that she knows any such requests will be met with the same response would be the only thing I would add.

 

Yikes Finding Strength ... who would want their mother getting involved in their relationships with others,  BPD or not 😵😵😵 (and can see how it could easily turn into allegations of meddling).

 

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

My partner (Bipolar, PTSD, ASD) and I have had the boundary conversation. When he is himself he totally agrees with the idea, doesn't want to keep being so aggressive towards me, wants to do whatever we can do to preserve a loving relationship, understands how fragile I get when he is relentlessly controlling and unforgiving. Usually these times last a week or two but we have now been in full meltown /rapid cycling since June.

 

His episodes are all agressive. Aggressive depression and irritable highs. His short term memory is compromised from ECT and he also has fibromyalgia. 

 

Anyway. Speaking calmly and holding my ground makes him angrier when he wants to see submissive and in total agreement with him.

Trying to simply remove myself when he is ranting makes him angrier because "no one ever listens to me".

A few weeks ago his psychiatrist suggested we come up with a safe word that either  of us can use if we feel things are escalating too rapidly and we need to press the pause button.

 

I tried that on the weekend and I was told it wasn't relevant because he was not out of control and I should just do as I'm told. 

 

I am now getting symptoms of depression and anxiety. Any clues as to how I can make him stop, even if it's only for a few days, would be greatfully appreciated.

Re: Boundary setting: Hints and quotes

Ohhhhh hello @SJT63  thinking of you  lots today,  how Re you going 

@Former-Member , @FindingStrength , @Anastasia , @UprightRabbit 

Some links to click onto are Carers Hints and tips to Success 

8 dimensions of wellness 

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