Partners who chose to stay for the long haul

[MissTreated]

Good morning @Shaz51. Yes I am interested. Thank you. I'm new and not fully familiar with what to do here. My main issue is that Mr D denies he has a MI and sees me as the enemy. I know I need self care. Please direct me.

I'm grateful to have find this forum.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi and welcome @MissTreated 

Acknowledging, firstly to ourselves, that someone is being abusive towards us is the first step to doing something about it ..... but that first step is reeeeeaaaally hard when that person is, or used to be, the live of our life ..... the person who swept us off our feet and made us feel so special, like we had found our soul-mate .......

I know that experience.

Finding a safe place to talk about it, cry about it, rage about it ..... in short, vent about it ..... is another important first step to stopping the abuse.

Then next one is probably boundaries - working out what our "deal-breakers" are.  We are generally astute enough to draw boundaries around the behaviour of obnoxious strangers, but what happens when our "soul-mate" slowly morphs into an abusive obnoxious stranger ?  It seriously messes with your head and heart.

This is where it is important to access counselling services and other forms of community support to help you work out how to self-protect, self-care, and find the pathway forward that seems to have been lost in the chaos and dysfunction .  The forums can help with that side of things too, when and as you're ready.

[MissTreated]

Thank you @Faiih-and Hope. I get so scared to upset him in case he suicides. He has told others that I'm the cause of his suicidality and I feel that is so unfair. I did a workshop with ASIST to learn how to do first aid with someone who is suicidal. That freaked me out too. He's either down or angry. I have suggested he see someone professional but he attacks me for trying to make him the problem when I'm his problem (ouch! Z that really broke me heart). So how do I help a loved one when he says there's no spark (because he truly believes I am the cause of his unhappiness, when his unhappiness and emptiness was present decades before we met)?
I only recently searched on the Internet on abuse and feeling misunderstood etc and accidently read about BPD and how partners feel, then the symptoms of bpd and oh my goodness... everything seem to fit!! That led to me looking more into bpd and I find this forum... but he still has not been diagnosed and I doubt he would ever. I am using this new knowledge to try to understand how NOT to trigger his angry outbursts (still not going to make him love me though - ouch!).
I guess it's a start. I'm going to try to find a psychologist this week for more help and support.
It feels so good to be able to finally tell somene who understands.
Thank you x

[MissTreated]

Going to see a counsellor today. I need to make sure I don't just vent but really try to learn about my own triggers and reactions in order to cope with my husband's random mood changes and threats. I get so nervous he might find me here and see this and thinks I'm trying to humiliate him or something. I'm sure he has joined a forum somewhere himself because for a while whenever we fought he'd say that he told his friends what I said (he perceived) and they're all disgusted and asked why he's still with me...I find this hurtful.
I saw a movie last night on a dad who had a bad childhood but started a new life with his young daughter after moving to a new town, then finds a single mum and they fall in love.. cliché but I miss being loved and in love...

[Shaz51]

Thinking of you lots today @MissTreated ❤❤

[MissTreated]

Thank you @Shaz51. I feel like I can breathe fresh air finally that I can tell others how I am feeling xx

[Emelia8]

@MissTreated 😄💖👍

[Faith-and-Hope]

I would advise treading very carefully and working with the counsellor around the suicidality in your husband @MissTreated, but people with NPD (if that is what the counsellor suggests he has) are known to use the threat of suicide as a controlling behaviour.  My soon2bx didn't follow that line of control, but if their "fuel" systems fail they can be prone to suicidal tesndencies.  I am glad you are seeking professional support for this ...... ❣️

[SJT63]

G'day all - and what a long haul it is.

We are at the peak (I hope) of our latest aggresive mania which has seen his sons' school block his number to avoid the daily abusive calls. Of course, he thinks he is being polite but assertive, offering constructive criticism and not backing down.

In reality he is trying to bully them into getting his own way. Deep down his aggressive response is guilt about his own failings and projecting the blame onto others, but we all know not to voice those sort of opinions out loud. He geniuinely has no idea how frightening he looks and sounds when he is being "politely assertive".

January wasn't too bad but February is shaping up as a doozy. Averages so far at 30%manic, 30%agro, 15%depressed which doesn't leave much room for "normal". I've spoken before about my graphs and spreadsheets and will try to post a screenshot so you can all see what a write off the second half of 2020 was. Incidentally, blue for "normal" doesn't necessarily mean particularly happy, it's just what's left over if it isn't overtly manic, agressive or depressed. 

The shot I'll add is a monthly but there are other week by week charts and lately I'm asking myself do I really want to spend the next 20 or 30 years only leading a normal life for 2 weeks at a time every 6 to 8 weeks?

Anyway, a bit "poor me" right now as I'm too busy for this shite. My application is in with the Attorney General's dept and I'm working on my marketing and website etc so that it's all ready to launch when my approvals come through.  What I'm realising now, is that I'm always going to have to travel to meet with clients as having someone come to my home is just too fraught with danger if Mr S is playing up at the time.

If I look at the weekly figures, there are have been 2 weeks in the last 18 months where there have been no hiccoughs. Two weeks of normal every day for a whole week. His longest stretch is 11 days, once in 2019.

If you define "having a normal life" as the manic/agressive episodes being at or below 10% then I have had 14 "normal" weeks in the last 78 weeks... just under 20%.

However, if you break it down further he is "normal" 70% of the time which doesn't sound so bad.. but then if you think about nearly 1/3 of every waking moment  I am either in trouble for something I've done (or not done) or listening to the elaborate grievances and revenge plots he comes up with against others... well... even conservatively 15 minutes per hour, every hour we are together, something is going wrong. If nothing is going wrong, chances are he's chasing me around the kitchen trying to get me to the bedroom.

No wonder I'm exhausted.

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @SJT63 ......