Newbie supporting my partner

[Bonnie3]

Hi, new here,

I'm looking for ways to support my partner while he cares for his adult son who has been recently diagnosed with a psychosis. His son has started medication and has a review with his doctor soon.

In the meantime my partner is taking turns with his ex-wife to look after their adult son, who also has a daughter, that they are looking after as well.

I want to know what to do to support my partner through this stress and uncertainty.

I also need help to understand what it is like to be a carer for an adult child with a history of mental health challenges and addition. And what the carer of an adult child experiencing these things needs.

My partner said he is fed up but feels alot of guilt as well about moving on. He is stuck and just surviving. Both he and his ex-wife live in the family home with their son and grandaughter. My partner was planning on moving in with me but now he feels uncertain about his future, which I completely understand. They both work, so are taking time off to look after their son during this period of psychosis. They have no other support.

How do I support him? Has anyone been through this and have some advice they could share?

[Ru-bee]

Hello and welcome @Bonnie3 

What a difficult situation for all involved, I'm glad that you've found this space to be able to share and hopefully connect with some peers who have had similar experiences.

Would you feel able to speak to your partner and ask him what support would be most helpful for him? 

One thing that might be helpful, if he is receptive to it, might be to help him connect with some ongoing supports of his own. Often carers don't realise their own need for help and can wind up burnt out and unwell themselves. One free resource is the Carer Gateway which offers counselling, coaching, and peer support groups for carers and might be a good place to start. Is that something that he might be open to?

[Bonnie3]

Thanks @Ru-bee 

He says he feels supported by me but I feel like I did the wrong thing by talking to him about practical solutions, like him and his son and grandaughter moving into my house. He really shut down and said that he feels like just finding somewhere to live by himself with his son.

Last week before his son had a psychosis event, my partner and I had put together a cot for his grandaughter in a spare room I have with a double bed. The idea was that this would be a space for his son to use or for his granddaughter to have sleepovers so he could have a break. So my partner could keep supporting him and live here. He was planning on moving in in 2 weeks but all that has paused, which is understandable, but he's talking now about having to continue living with his ex-wife to support her in looking after their son and granddaughter.

I know my partner is now just surviving and can't think straight. But it seems a bit crazy to continue living in the family home with his ex-wife. 

I talked to him yesterday about carers support but he doesn't seem to think he is a carer. And his ex-wife won't live alone with their son unless he's well, but my partner won't move in here with his son because it's a new environment and he's frightened of futher setbacks. 

So I'm not sure how to support him because this situation seems a bit weird to me. He comes to my house regularly for comfort, but he's struggling physically and mentally and I'm concerned for his health.

[LondonCalling]

Hi Bonnie3. It could be that you're already providing exactly what your partner needs - a safe, quiet place of respite from the heavy demands of looking after a mentally unwell adult son. Keep doing that, and don't underestimate how valuable it can be.

Looking after a mentally ill adult family member is mentally and emotionally exhausting, and  carers can suffer from decision paralysis. The simplest things  - checking emails, deciding what to make for dinner, booking the dog in for a vaccination - can seem overwhelming.

If you're looking for some practical help you can offer, start small. Pick things that require little or no decision making or action by your partner. Run an errand for him. Give him a meal to be shared with everyone in the family home. If you have a relationship with his granddaughter, offer to take her regularly for some hours each week. 

Best wishes to you.