Beginning to question my choices

[MissinTooth]

Hi all,

I don't know if I'm beginning to question my choice to undertake a Certificate in Child and Adolescent Mental Health because it is having an impact on my own mental health, or if I'm questioning it because my anxiety is sky high at the moment. 

Yesterday, I finished the final assignment of my first unit, but it's been hard going. I'm a teacher, trying to enjoy her school holidays and I have spent every day so far with my head in my computer studying, trying to catch up. Last week I moved into a new house and didn't touch study because I had too much going on, so I had to catch up on what I missed, as well as this week's work and a major assignment to be handed in Easter Sunday. 

I worked myself up so badly with this assignment, so much so, that I went into this hyper focus mode of anxiety and stress fueled by the need to get it done - but also to do well with it. I wasn't happy with the results of my last assignment - I got a pass. As a result, I didn't leave my desk, or do anything but work at it for three days. I even had a sleepless night because my brain couldn't shut off and let it go - I was trying to figure out the logistics of filming myself presenting a Power point and how to upload it when my laptop doesn't support the ap they recommended I use. 

But as I mentioned, I love learning and part of me would love to be able to finish the course. It's what I want to do in the future - work with children who have mental health concerns. As a teacher, I see so many children who need someone to trust, who need someone to have their back and to support them. 

But I don't know if I have it in me to finish this thing without it having a significant impact on my own mental health and well being. But I also don't know whether I'm doubting it because...well, to be honest, I'm finding things a little tough right now. 

[tyme]

Hey @MissinTooth ,

Thank you for sharing. I wonder if burnout is an element too? It sounds like you have limited down time so that when you have down time from school, you are busily working on assignments. And when you are working on assignments, you have limited time which means you have to ‘get it done’. 

What does your own ‘down time’ look like?

How much longer do you have of your studies? I guess the choice is, do you grin and bear it in the short and get a cert out of it? Or do you drop it now?

Thoughts?

[MissinTooth]

@tyme thank you for your reply. You're right. After work, I'm coming home to study, or look after my niece. On weekends, I'm catching up on study or assignments. 

I read...a lot, when I'm not reading I'm watching to or listening to podcasts. 

But other than that...

I don't really have down time...

And I see the problem on that now. The last time I had downtime was when I went to Fiji in September last year. Last school holidays, I worked and then drove from QLD back home. I got here at midnight the night before I started work and I haven't stopped since. 

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I also forgot to answer your questions re study...

I have three 7 week courses left to do. I've done one. I want to finish it, but I have to work out a better way to manage it. 

[tyme]

When I was studying and working, one thing I did was I went down to 0.8 time fraction. I had every Wednesday off to either study, get errands done or have me time @MissinTooth 

I know finances may be tough, so it may not be an option for you. But if it is, maybe it's worth a consideration?

In my own life also, I can totally relate to what you are saying. I do it too, and hence I can share what burnout looks like. For me, I have a few different jobs, I'm studying also and I look after my nieces and nephews on a daily basis. I also make very little time for me.

So what I do now is I make sure I take the dog out to go for walks everyday. I've nearly finished one course (will be finished in July) and I'm still in the middle of another one which I haven't touched but want to pursue. 

@MissinTooth 

Bottom line, schedule in your down time and make that protected time. Work will always be there, your health may not.

Take care

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I have a question - you don't have to answer it if you're not comfortable. 

What does burnout look like/feel like for you? 

I ask, because, even though I've experienced burn out in my teaching career - and it was horrible - I'm still learning how to recognise it. 

[tyme]

I'm not sure I can completely accept when I am burnt out. People have said it to me, but I honestly have never truly accepted it.

What people have noticed is that I'm less organised, I get grouchy, my head is messy, I struggle with sleep...

What do you think burn out looks like for you? @MissinTooth 

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I'm going to answer honestly, and I hope that it doesn't upset anyone who might be reading. Trigger Warning, I guess...

When I was burnt out...I was a mess.

I cried every day before work, because I just...I didn't want to go and I didn't want to put myself through it. But I didn't want anyone to know and so I over performed at work. I took on job after job after job. I struggled in the system - I felt like I wasn't supported and I didn't fit any more. I was full of self-doubt and over compensation.

I didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours a night. 

I had severe panic attacks close to three times a week, that would literally leave me curled up in a ball on the floor and afterwards, I felt utterly exhausted. And I became suicidal. I would go for days without talking to people, outside of my work space and environment, and then forget how to actually have a conversation. 

My physical health suffered too. I got sick and run down. I have psoriasis, and that flared up because it's linked with my anxiety and my mental health. 

But my burn out then was severe...

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities @MissinTooth 

I hear your burnt out is so real. At the same time, it's good to know that you recognise what burn out looks like for you so you hopefully it will help you to be proactive about slowing down a bit and scheduling in that protected time to just wind down. 

Your story sounds so similar to mine in that I did more and more work when I was less and less able. 

Work has its place, but so does wind down time. 

Perhaps this will be out challenge together?

I woke up on the wrong side of bed today. I was foul and cranky and even my niece said I'm like that because I've got too much work to do. I was making some things on my cricut machine today, and the machine was annoying me so much. I shoo'd all the kids away and told them to leave me alone. 

At this moment, I honest have A LOT to do. But yes, I will practice what I preach.

I'm not sure if I've shared, but I generally use the smiling mind app on my phone to practice mindulfulness. I find there are real brain changes when I do it for at least a month (you can track your mindfulness streak on the app). Check it out if you haven't already.

I never used to 'believe' in mindfulness until I watched The Mindfulness Experiment. It blew me away and that was when I was committed to give it a go - and it works!

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I know what severe burn out looks like for me and it's actually a little scary. I'm actually a little frightened of it. I now need to work on catching it before it gets to that stage. 

I like the idea of supporting each other through the challenge of figuring out how to prioritise wind down time. 

I've used Smiling Minds in the classroom with the kids, but haven't used it myself. I do incorporate meditation - even if it's only 5 minutes before work to try and calm the work anxiety. I find meditation hard though when my thoughts are whirling and my body won't be still. But...I also recognise the benefits and power of it and try to sit for at least 5 minutes every day.